A Bunch Without Alice

Guess We Let the Cat Out of the Bag

2009-06-25T15:48:00.000-07:00

Little Mommy(10) is playing soccer and I am so excited to do all the soccer-mom stuff I've been missing for the last couple of years. We went to the sporting goods store a few days ago and got her everything she is going to need. (Cleats, shin guards, socks, extra socks, ball, bag to carry her stuff, etc.) Then the other kids talked me into a bat, 3 baseballs, 1 rubber ball, and some other stuff. Husband knew we were getting shoes and shinguards but the rest was going to be a little bit of a tough sell once we got home. The kids and I have had a wonderful time playing through the last few days. I had asked LittleMommy(10) not to tell him about the extra stuff until I had the chance to tell him myself. Then I forgot so he got the news by seeing the stuff she had with her at Bubba's cubscout pack meeting last night. Oops. Guess the cat is out of the bag. He was only slightly annoyed with me so that was good.

Yesterday at Bubba's(8) cubscout Pack Meeting Little Mommy(10) found a kitty in a tree and she rescued it. This is great news outside of the fact that I am not only allergic to cats, but a dedicated hater of them as well. Husband joins me in my passionate dislike for all things feline. We just aren't cat people. When I saw LittleMommy(10) carrying that cat around I told her it was very cute but that she needed to put it down, go home, put her clothes straight into the washer, and take a shower so that I could go home eventually. She jumped up and started for home right away like the obedient child that she is. Oh- except for the part when she stuffed the cat into her brand-new soccer bag and smuggled it home with her. Once she reached home she realized the best thing to do would be to stow the kitty away in the garage so that she could love it and keep it and call it George or something. Under a plastic 5-gallon bucket. With a table set on top for good measure. (Wouldn't want the kitty to breathe or maybe grow opposable thumbs and then get away. It might starve in the event that the countryside runs out of mice or voles. And then what would we do? One less cat in the world.) Lucky for Skimbleshanks he mews VERY LOUDLY and Husband figured out what was going on about two minutes after the benevolent imprisonment commenced. Kitty was set free but not before he became permanently attached to the residence. This situation was not improved when ThePinkiest(6) got out one of my best dishes and gave the willing captive a drink on the porch. Mr.Buttons hung around for three or four more hours after that. I ended up having to leave the premises while my sweet babboo de-hair/de-dandered the house, kids, clothes, and brand-new soccer bag. Ahhhhh LittleMommy(10). Stinkin' Little Punk. : )

Literally. You smell like cat. : )

NOTICE: IF YOU ARE MISSING YOUR CUTE LITTLE FUZZY KITTY, WE DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT. OH- SORRY TOO.

A FFA He Is Not

2009-05-01T08:34:00.000-07:00

On Agriculture~

A WHILE BACK-

Mr.Yuke(5): Cows are in the milk group because they have milk in their tummies, huh mom? BUT, they're ALSO in the meat group cuz they're made out of meat. RIGHT?

THE NEXT DAY-

Mr.Yuke(5): Rabbits live on a farm cuz THEY give us carrots.

TODAY-

Mr.Yuke(5): How come we eat chickens? Cuz we just eat them AFTER they squeeze the eggs.

I'm thinking chickens may want to look into Hypnobirthing.

Spray Tans Never Looked So Good

2009-04-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

as they do on the Wolf Pack. Drool.

Have a nice day.

The Truth About Cupid

2009-04-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Mr. Yuke(5) came to us this year and asked us straight out, "Dad. I want to know. Now TELL ME THE TRUTH; DOES the Easter Bunny exist?"
Us: Well, what do you think?
Mr.Yuke(5): I think it's YOU GUYS.
Us: Hmmm.... Well-
Mr.Yuke(5): Yeah. I knew it. And Santa Claus is you too.
Me: Ok. Yes. You're very smart. (He's only a baby!!!) : ( But remember the fun you had all the years you were little and you believed they were real?
Mr.Yuke(5): Yeah.
Me: Well, wouldn't it be fun for MonsterTruck(3) and Kryptonite(2) to get to believe that when they're little too?
Mr.Yuke(5): Yeah...?
Me: So it really wouldn't be nice to tell them and take that fun away. WOULD IT?. So if you do, the Easter Bunny will not bring you ANYTHING.
Mr.Yuke(5): Ok.
He goes upstairs.
Approximately 27 seconds later-
ThePinkiest(6): MOM!!!! DAD!!!! IS IT TRUE THAT YOU GUYS ARE THE EASTER BUNNY CUZ THAT'S WHAT MR.YUKE(5) SAID!!!
Us: Well, what do you think?
ThePinkiest(6) deep in thought: Are you Santa Claus too?
Us: What do you think?
ThePinkiest(6): DOES THIS MEAN THERE IS NO CUPID?!!!!
Us: ??????

Don't worry, honey. You'll still fall in love one day. I promise.

My Triumphant Return to the Internet

2009-04-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

may not be so triumphant. Health problems (as usual). Testing being done. Details forthcoming. Suspense is killing me. Maybe other stuff too. More later, hopefully not MUCH later.

Her Morning Elegance

2009-04-23T15:05:00.000-07:00

My very gifted friend, PhotoGirlFromCanada posted this fun video on her blog a few months ago. I watch it all the time and thought you all should too. It's only about 3 mintues and so much fun to watch. Enjoy!

My Return to the Internet

2009-04-09T10:05:00.000-07:00

We are almost finished fixing our computer. I can FINALLY get online again!!! More to come soon....

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!: Cumpleanos Gigantes '09!

2009-01-28T00:11:00.000-08:00

This week was in.sane. What with all the commotion and full-term pregnancy and whatnot at the end of last year I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate LittleMommy's(10) and Mr.Yuke's(5) birthdays when things calmed down a little bit. They were good sports and agreed to this. Unfortunately, things calmed down all at the same time. I should win some kind of mommy award or something. Oh wait- I sort of did. Someone saw my MOPRAH contest entry on SeriouslySoBlessed and took pity on me, offering free baby pictures after reading my pathetic plea for stuff. Only now I feel really stupid. : ) That's ok though. I'm not going to let it stand between me and the free stuff. Anyway-

Thursday we had Mr.Yuke's(5) "birthday" party. He decided he wanted "a toaster waffle breakfast party." ("!!!!!") (He has the most interesting notions.) He invited 9 friends over to "eat toaster waffles and have a pinata and watch Speed Racer and pin the #5 on Mach 5". A good time was had by all and there was a minimum of syrup on the floor. Good thing since it was the first day of Cumpleanos Gigantes '09.

Friday we had Bubba's(8) party. He wanted to have a Jedi party again with 9 friends. I didn't think I could deal with 15 Jedis in my oh-so-tiny house, all whacking and flailing in true Jedi fashion. I discussed this with MyBeautiful. She suggested a pinata the boys could beat with their light sabers instead of each other. (I've mentioned before that she is amazing.) I settled on this idea and ordered a Darth Vader pinata. I convinced Bubba(8) that it would be REALLY FUN to have a "Jedi battle on the ice-planet Hoth" party. This would involve a battle to defeat the Empire OUTSIDE in the snow. Everyone could bring their sleds and hopefully no one would need stitches or anything. He agreed and so that's what we did. After sledding, the kids came in for hot chocolate and made their own personal pizzas. They opened presents while the pizzas baked, had dinner and then did the pinata. They watched Return of the Jedi for a while, had cake and ice cream and went home with glow stick "light sabers". It was a great party. (Thanks, MyBeautiful!)

Saturday we had LittleMommy's(10) party. She opted for a makeover night complete with teenybopper chick-flick ("Another Cinderella Story"~ a Disney channel original movie) and takeout Chinese food. We started with dinner served on china but eaten off of bee-yoo-tee-ful party plates and cups. After they had finished eating and had devoured two fortune cookies each, the 5 girls were each given a tub with towel, marbles, nail brush, water bottle, and nail buffing cube. While we watched the movie, we did foot soaks and then the girls got to choose between mani's and pedi's. I ended up doing fingers for three and toes for two. We did the works from sugar scrubs, hand soaks and cuticle treatments to footscrub that proved to be way too ticklish for little girls, and a soothing foot moisturizer. ; ) For the manicures I found this great cuticle oil that smells like cranberry. It was a huge hit. While I worked on hands and feet MyBeautiful did hair and makeup. She is an angel, that one. I had made arrangements with a professional beautician to come and do up-do's but she called me in the afternoon saying that she was sick in bed and would be unable to attend. MyBeautiful rescued me and saved the party, bringing all her stuff to do up the girls. (LOVE YOU!!!) After the movie/makeovers were finished, we had build-your-own ice cream sundaes- complete with the works including homemade hot fudge sauce and toasted coconut. It was a great party and LittleMommy's(10) friends had fun.

Sunday I recooperated and Monday I got the house ready to host my book group tonight. Tomorrow I think I'll shop for snow pants. After all, I've got my birthday ski trip planned for this weeked.... : ) Maybe in February I'll rest.

Need Some Ideas Here

2009-01-17T19:57:00.000-08:00

I'm lookin' for great ideas for Girls' Night. Keep in mind we're a buncha Mormon mommies needing some escape that DOESN'T include booze, gambling, or debauchery.

Food From the 70's

2009-01-15T21:11:00.000-08:00

Does anyone still actually eat sloppy joes? I remember when I was a kid living in a military brat location, my dad was gone for long periods of time. During these times we would spend most of our free moments with Mom's best friend and her kids. The kids were the same age as Brother and me and we had tons of fun together. During those long days of playing and fun, I remember three particular food items that we had fairly often. (Insert Mr. Burns-type shudder here.) They were: carrot and raisin coleslaw made with miracle whip, KFC from a KFC where they didn't understand how occasionally that oil in the fryers should be changed. I can still smell the air around that place. and (drumroll please) sloppy joes. (Insert second Mr. Burns-type shudder here.)

Brother and I never liked sloppy joes. I think it was about the time my father left us for good (when I was 5 or 6) that I put my foot down and informed my mother how we would not be eating them any more. Ever. (She must not have liked them either because we never ate them again. Not one single time in all the years I lived at home- no matter how tight the grocery budget got. I mean- there's just some things you DON'T DO.) I honestly grew up thinking that sloppy joes were one of those things like fruicake; it is generally accepted that nobody likes/wants them. So I was surprised to find them on the menu not once, but twice in the last two months of 2008 in varying circumstances.

The first time we were served them (in November), they caught my unsuspecting children by surprise. Because why would anyone actually on purpose serve something that tastes like/has the consistency of- sloppy joes? Hee hee. : ) Oh their faces! Priceless. I felt so bad for the sweet lady who was feeding us. She had volunteered to cook for our family as we were coming and going to/from the hospital. I am so grateful for her kind service and as we sat down to eat, I prayed that my children would be kind in their inevitable censure. She had cooked a pot of- what?- Slop? Sloppy?- large enough to feed a village in Africa for like- ten years, and she was expecting it all to go. Even if we were sloppy joe fans, I don't think we could have made a dent in the amount that was there. I started eating, feeling terrible for all the ways this sweet lady was about to get insulted. My children then surprised me by using the best manners possible. They politely tried to gag down some bites with almost no audible complaints. I was proud to be a momma that day. The lady was visibly distressed at the GALLONS- I am not making this up- of sloppy she had left over, but hey. I was picking my battles.

The second time sloppy joes graced our table, just a few short weeks later, the kids were wise to the situation. It was battlestations. The short people took their places around the table with set and determined faces and I was sure I must be reliving some scene that had played out between Brother, Mother, and me a few decades earlier. I took a deep breath, ready to begin fighting the onslought of complaints that was now so close it was palpably hanging in the air around us, when Mr. Yuke(5) straggled to the gathering. He took one look and the call to arms rang out of his mouth before he was even in his seat:

"Oh NO!!! NOT slobbery joes!!!!"

And there it was. The battle was over before it started. As we gagged down our few obligatory bites we all laughed hysterically and discussed how neither Husband or I had ever liked slobbery joes either. (Fortunately our benefactor for this second meal was not present for its consumption. Or lack thereof. Whatever.) It seems Mother-In-Law had stopped serving sloppy joes at Husband's house about the same time Mom did at ours.

So here's my question: Did your mother stop serving slobbery joes when Regan got elected too? Or did you actually have to eat them in the 80's as well? Was there some mass slop shortage that caused the disappearance of slobbery joes for three decades, only for them to reappear now? And how do we REPEAT that? I really want to know here people, so just throw up your answers on the poll in the sidebar (ha ha ha!!! That was an excellent but completely unintentional play on words. : ))

"Sloppy Joes and Cut Fruit" by Atardrac, found at Flickr.com

Where's My Alice? -In a Nutshell

2009-01-15T11:45:00.002-08:00

Sea-ing the World Around Us

2009-01-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

Santa always brings the kids their very own actual bottle of shampoo every year. Shampoo and toothpaste. These are great stocking stuffers if you have more than two kids (two or less are not so nearly impressed by the "having my OWN" concept). If you're going to give that stuff though, you have to start the tradition before they are old enough to realize how lame it is. This year, each child got a different color bottle of shampoo (so as to avoid the inevitable bloodbath that identical bottles would initiate. ("That's MINE!" "NO! IT'S MINE!" "NO IT'S NOT! IT'S HERS!!!" "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!" "BECAUSE I SAW MONSTER TRUCK(3) POUR YOURS INTO THE TOILET!" Me: "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?!" "I don't know"....)) Anyway, this year everyone got their own flavor in a bottle that is their favorite color. Last week the kids were all comparing scents on shower night. ("Mine smells like berries." "Mine smells like bananas." "Well MINE smells like watermelon.") Monster Truck(3), desperate to jump in and not be left out of the conversation, grabbed his bottle, quickly checked the cartoon picture on the outside, and reported, "Mine smells like dolphins! I love the smell of dolphins. It smells like dolphins, that's why it haves a dolphin. It smells good!" (Just to be clear, the shampoo smells like tangerines. Santa was so busy picking out different color shampoo bottles that Santa didn't notice this particular shampoo is for after SWIMMING- hence the dolphin. Oops.)

Mr.Yuke(5) informed me a couple months back (and several times since then as he's carefully tested his theory-) that the sun (and incidentally also the moon) follows him. Because everywhere he goes, the sun goes. I'm sorry for all of you people who apparently dwell in perpetual darkness because you are not where he is. Anyway, the other night we watched the full moon rise as we drove down the freeway. It was beautiful. (The moon was closer to the earth that night than it will be for the next 2 years.) A little while later when the moon was up higher in the sky, ThePinkiest(6) commented that it was now closer to us than it had been before. Try as I might, I could not convince her that the mo0n was the same distance away as it always is. She knew that I was wrong. Mr.Yuke(5) confirmed her suspicion, thus: "Yeah. It is closer. That's because it saw ME."

2008 was icky. Not just for me, but for a lot of people. In general, I try to be a glass-is-half-full type of person. I avoid activities that make me have a more negative outlook, such as watching the news or having any contact with my dad. It seems though that no matter how I look at it- overall, 2008 stunk. Not just for me. It was a pretty cruddy year for a lot of people. Last year I mentioned that I LOVE the new year- fresh start and all that. As I was pondering the approach of 2009 and cleaning out my closet, I discovered my gratitude journal. This is a book I started four years ago when I was trying really hard to "bloom where I was planted" in That Place I Used To Live, a place which I did not like. The concept of the gratitude journal is simple enough. At the end of the day I write a minimum of 3 things I'm grateful for that day. Some days here at Not Quite the Bradys finding THREE things can be quite challenging. On those days I have written things like- "I'm grateful I could make myself write in this stupid journal."- but I always write in it, no matter what and most days I have plenty to write about. Well, I did I should say. It appears that I sort of stopped writing in it when I lost Baby B, and with the loss of Baby A last January, I just forgot all about it. I had not thought of the gratitude journal once the whole year until I stumbled across the book while doing my get-ready-for-a-new-and-improved-year cleanout. As I was trying to remember the last time I wrote in it, I started thinking that although the events of 2008 were irrefutably bad, my experience probably would have been better had I focused on my blessings more. My New Year's Resolution then, is this: I will try to be more focused on the sweet things in life. I will try to remember the things that matter. Things like: even dolphins smell amazing through the nose of a three-year-old; Santa Claus is real even if he DOES bring toothpaste; and God loves me so much He made the sun follow me wherever I go.

It's going to be a good year. : )

Turtlenecks, PLEASE

2009-01-13T12:09:00.000-08:00

We sat down to dinner on Sunday night and Husband asked everyone to share with the family one thing they had learned at church, just like we always do. When we got to Mr.Yuke(5), he said, "I don't know."
Me: You don't remember? Well how were your new teachers?
Mr.Yuke(5): I don't remember. BUT! GUESS!WHAT!?"
Husband: What?
Mr.Yuke(5): My teacher wears shirts that show her boobs!
Husband and me trying to frown disapprovingly at this possibility while not saying anything in response so as not to turn "boobs" into a hot dinner topic for the next fortnight.
Me: Hmm.
Mr.Yuke(5): It comes all the way down to here and they just stick right out.
(I will say in the woman's defense that she had a baby two days after I had T.Tiny(1m) and she is nursing so this was probably not her fault. I'm sure she is a very modest woman.)
Me looking at LittleMommy(10): And THAT is why we dress modestly. When you don't, people NOTICE.

Happy Days Are Here Again

2008-12-18T09:18:00.003-08:00

Finally something nice to say!

Our sweet baby was born about two weeks ago, give or take, and she's beautiful! 6 lbs, 6 oz, 19 inches long, and a teeny tiny head, bless her. : )

Thank you all for your kind love/prayers/comments/thoughts. They have all been so appreciated. If I didn't publish your comments it's because you used my real actual name.

I am hoping to get back to blogging after the first of the year. Mr. Yuke(5) is still keeping us supplied with lots of good material. : )

In Loving Memory

2008-11-07T23:42:00.000-08:00

My Father-in-law passed away Thursday morning, about 12:15 am. His funeral will be held next Thursday in that place where he lived. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words of support through these trying times. I'm really beginning to look forward to this baby (4 more weeks and counting!), if only to have some GOOD news to share for a change.

UPDATE

2008-10-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

Grandad passed away night before last. He seems to have gone as peacefully as could be expected.

Father-in-law is in the ICU in critical but stable condition. He was supposed to see a specialist tomorrow about getting his gallbladder removed but I guess that will have to wait now. The procedure is high-risk because he has NASH syndrome and the possibility of knicking the liver during the surgery is highly dangerous.

He has severe dehydration, a urinary tract infection which has spread so that his blood is septic, liver failure, kidney failure, low blood pressure which is being medicinally raised, and he has been intebated due to a build-up of fluid in his lungs. Any prayers on behalf of our family would be appreciated.

One Nation Under GOD

2008-10-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word 'God' is mentioned....

Supposedly a 15 year old kid in Arizona wrote the following:

NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

Cake Wrecks

2008-09-25T10:32:00.001-07:00

TOO FUNNY! It's really short and worth the extra clicks.

http://eliandkara.blogspot.com/2008/09/were-infectious-but-laughing.html

MAYHEM

2008-09-25T08:30:00.000-07:00

I said I wouldn't blog about negative stuff but I'm not very good at finding the silver linings I guess so I have dropped off the face of the earth. Here is the laundry list. I keep thinking when I get a little distance/perspective I'm going to see so clearly how it was all for the best.

FLOOD (AND OTHER VARIOUS LANDLORD PROBLEMS. I QUOTE, "Well how much water is there?" ME: About three inches right now but it's still coming in really fast. "Oh, so it's not SIX inches. You don't need to call a plumber." NOT JOKING.)
FIRE (the vacuum)
STOLEN IDENTITY (when they say, "Illegal immigrants just want a better life.", ask them whose.) THE GUY BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH HUSBAND'S SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IN NOVEMBER
GRANDAD HAS PANCREATIC AND PROSTATE CANCER
DAD IS GETTING DIVORCED (NOT SURPRISING TO SOME OF YOU I KNOW BUT WHEN EVERYONE SAID HE'D CHANGED AND I SAID YEAH RIGHT, I REALLY WANTED TO BE WRONG.)
I HAVE BRONCHITIS
KIDS GOT FLU WHILE I WAS VISITING GRANDAD BEFORE MY OB PUTS THE BAN ON TRAVELING NEXT WEEK.

I'm hoping that things are going to settle down for a little while now and y'all will hear from me again.

To Save A Few Pennies

2008-08-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

You get what you pay for.

I've always said it and I've always believed it. I think if you don't want to spend twelve dollars every single year on a toaster you should probably just spring for the fifty dollar one to begin with and have it last a decade. (That is of course unless you have a two-year-old.) Don't get me wrong. I shop the sales. I use coupons. I seek to be thrifty. But when it comes down to it, I still believe- you get what you pay for.

Monday my three older children headed off for their first day of school. (Wow. Listen to that angelic choir sing. ) Anyway, as soon as they were dropped off I headed to the city to go to what us country bumpkins like to refer to as "the mall". I had a coupon for Gymboree. Their clothes are really sturdy but also very expensive so I go there when they put everything on clearance and I have a coupon. Then the prices are almost but not quite as good as Target's. AND, the clothes there are not exclusively made in China which is a plus. The mall is a good 30-40 minute drive away and I wanted to get there early. I did. By early I mean that the stores didn't open until 40 minutes after I arrived. This presented a problem. See, I don't have the LUXURY of a double-stroller at the moment; something I have clearly taken for granted the last six years. (The stroller was a casualty in what we are calling The Despereaux Incident.) So I had Krptonite(1), MonsterTruck(3), Mr.Yuke(4), and a whole bunch of senior citizen mall walkers whom I had to keep from hurting each other for the better part of an hour without anything for the kids to do.

And that's when it hit me. That thing I had been waiting for had finally arrived. For those of you who live in places that have a sales tax, you know what always happens to the change section of your wallet after not too long. It becomes completely filled with pennies. Even if you try to spend them any chance you get, eventually the pennies will make it impossible to close your wallet anymore and you will hope that it is December so that you can give them all to the Salvation Army guy in exchange for three minutes of no-bell-ringing. My wallet has been in such a state for almost a month. Several times I started to empty it into my piggy bank (yes, I have a piggy bank- a real piggy-) but every time something stopped me. Somehow I knew there was something I was going to need those pennies for. And here it was. I could take the kids down to the mall pond by Macy's department store and we could throw in pennies until the store opened for business. Genius! (Yes, I actually had 40 minutes-worth of pennies in my wallet. Ah, the joy of sales tax.)

So we're throwing pennies. The boys are having a great time. They can't believe how fortune has smiled on them and they are getting to throw SO MANY PENNIES for SO LONG into the fountain pond thing. Even Kryptonite(1) who was sitting on my lap was getting into it. She hasn't really mastered throwing yet so most of her pennies ended up on the floor in front of me where the boys would scramble to be the first one to scavenger them. Occasionally hers would bounce into the water though, and this made her extremely happy.

Aim notwithstanding, she had good form. Her windup would have rivaled Paul Byrd. She meant business. On one of her bigger throws, she whipped that penny back all the way to my face, and then- she accidentally hooked my glasses and hurled them with her penny onto the floor. Unfortunately, this was one of those throws that had enough force behind it to bounce into the pond after hitting the tile.

Fortunately, the glasses landed where I could reach them if I got on my hands and knees and pulled up my sleeve and reached really far and hoped that while my face was turned away from her for 1.3 seconds she would not fall into the pond and drown. Remember those mall-walkers I mentioned? Yeah. I got several disapproving looks from them as they passed by, clearly not impressed with the hugely pregnant woman taking money (I WAS NOT!!!) out of the fountain. They tutted and averted their eyes and shot me second glances and crusty looks. I fished my glasses out and thank goodness did not have to catch any children in the process. I smiled at my children and was explaining how we NEVER put our arms into the pond except to reach our glasses and we don't touch the water and get back from the water please stop that right now- when I put on my glasses only to discover-

Remember when I said that my glasses BOUNCED into the pond right after they hit the tile? Well apparently, that collision caused the right lens to pop out, cuz- it just wasn't there. I looked all around the ground near the bench and the offending tile and everywhere within twenty feet. It wasn't anywhere. I KNEW it had to have landed in the water. GREAT.

The lens was completely invisible. I got back on my hands and knees, felt all around and searched with one eye/hand, while the other eye/hand tried to play lifeguard to a by-now extremely curious set of toddler/preschoolers. MonsterTruck(3) of course wanted to be extremely helpful and within 2.1 seconds he was laying on his belly with both arms in the water. That's when he noticed it. "Hey! There's money in here!" Um, yeah?

I palpated the bottom of the fountain every place I could reach for fifteen minutes and then realized I was going to have to resort to more extreme (and embarrassing) measures. I walked over to the Hallmark store and called to the employee through the gate. She looked at me with an insipid expression that seemed to say, "Um, are you like- stupid or something? Cause see that gate thingy? Yeah, that means like- WE'RE CLOSED." I said, "Hi. : ) I know you're not open yet, but could you please call mall security for me? My baby accidentally threw my glasses into the fountain and the lens popped out. I can't find it and I was wondering if they could turn the lights on in there?" She glared at me but she did call the maintenance guys who deal with this sort of thing.

We sat down on the bench again and waited for Mr.FountainPondRepairandMaintenanceMan for ten minutes. When he finally came he looked extremely harrassed, as if he was thinking, "Every day it's the same thing. You come to work and next thing you know you're fishing in the mall pond. If I had a dollar for every right lens I fished out of this stupid fountain, I could quit this glamorous line of work and follow my real dream of becoming a world-class figure skater...." He looked me up and down once, sighed and said, "Where did they fall in?" I pointed out the spot very specifically and then Mr.F. proceeded to use his pool skimmer ("shovel", according to MonsterTruck(3)) to scrape the bottom of the entire pond. Every single inch of it. Except for the 2 foot space I had pointed out. I actually paused to wonder if he was doing it on purpose just to make me wait longer because he was put out about having to leave the clogged toilet situation he was previously dealing with. I pointed out the area for a second, and then a third time but it was sort of like he had a blind spot. It didn't matter how many times I pointed out the area, he was not going to actually scrape the bottom of the pond there where I couldn't reach and my lens most likely was. He sat down on another bench across from me for a moment, heaved a big sigh, and said, "Wellp. There's only one other way." His gaze turned to a scowl as he began removing his work boots and socks and rolling up his pants. Okay, so maybe he wasn't ignoring me on purpose. Maybe he is just really dense.

I felt guilty now because it was obvious that he was very displeased at the turn of events from the looks he kept shooting at me and my children. The boys' eyes grew wide as they watched Mr.F. STEP DOWN INTO THE FOUNTAIN. You could see the wheels turning and I knew that from that moment on, for the rest of the years those boys live with me, I am going to be having to repeat to them each and every time we pass a fountain, "STAY OUT OF THE FOUNTAIN!!!! YES, I KNOW THE MAN DID IT ONCE BUT HE WAS A WORKER AND HE WAS HELPING ME AND YOU MAY NOT GET IN THERE!!!!!". It is going to be a long 16 years. : ) ("I just cleaned this fountain YESTERDAY." Um, sorry? Is my lens dirtying up the water that much?)

Well, Mr.F. walked the entire pond, feeling around with his foot. I cringed when he got to the area that I thought my lens could actually be in because, what was he thinking? That stepping on my lens was a better solution than not having one at all? But I did appreciate that he was actually in the correct vicinity for the first time in half an hour and had some little hope that he would find it.

He didn't. He emerged from the fountain at about the same time that MonsterTruck(3) realized how to remove the money from the fountain so that he could throw it back in. (Hey, at least he was occupied.) Mr.F. had me write down my name and number and said they would call me if they found it. I did so, telling him I was mostly worried because I live WAY OUT in the country and that's a long way to drive without being able to see.

Right about that time Mr.MaintenanceMan#2 came on the scene to join Mr.F. They conferred for a minute and then decided that if the lens was plastic maybe it floated away under the bridge to a different part of the fountain. They decided to try turning the fountain on to see if that would float the lens over to one side. They opened up some panel in the floor and fiddled with a lot of different controls, raising the water pressure in first one place, then another. Mr.F. was by this time CONVINCED that my lens was not actually in the pond at all and that it had somehow just evaporated. Mr.M#2 began scanning the floor around me and Mr.F. took the skimmer thing and scraped the bottom of the pond right in front of me one more time (actually, right there it was the FIRST time). As he did this Mr.M#2, with his hands held out as if he were about to stop a major car accident, shouted, "WAIT!!! I SEE IT!!!" (The mall stores had actually been open for quite some time by this point and his hollering attracted the stares of many unsuspecting shoppers.) Sure enough, right where I had pointed those three times that Mr.F. had either ignored me or did not understand what I was conveying about the pretty water, was my lens. Mr.F.: Well I SURE didn't feel that when I STEPPED there.

(And you thought God doesn't answer prayers. ( : )

Mr.F. handed me my lens and said with not a little malice in his voice, "If you go down to the optical shop we have here in the the mall they can TIGHTEN THAT UP for you." Me: Ha ha! Okay, thanks! REALLY, thank you so much for helping me. : ) He was annoyed enough that a "You're welcome" was quite out of the question. I have some nerve.

So, we gathered up our stuff and headed (FINALLY!) to Gymboree. So much for getting there early. Luckily, they weren't busy and they had just moved everything to clearance the day before when they got their new inventory in so there was tons of good stuff 20 and 40% off. I picked through the racks and racks of clothes and finally had my choices narrowed down to a couple shirts each for the boys and a few outfits for Kryptonite(1). I got up to the checkout counter pleased that I was going to be able to get the things I wanted to get last week, only now instead of paying full price, I would be getting 40% off AND I had that additional 20% off coupon I'd been saving. I pulled the mailer from my bag to tear out the coupon and my face fell. THAT STUPID THING EXPIRED AT THE END OF JULY. I am so glad I drove all the way to THE MALL in the CITY so that I could waste 400 pennies and an hour of my time apparently trying to scoop lunch money out of the fountain, so that I could save an extra 20% off the clearance price JUST TO FIND OUT MY COUPON IS EXPIRED!!!!! I needed a moment. The salesgirl asked me if I had any coupons today and I said, well yes, I thought I did but I JUST discovered it has expired. She smiled at me and said in a professional voice that if I came in on Thursday, everything in the store would be an additional 30% off. My head was about to explode. Um, okay. Can you hold these for me until then? She did and we went home to wait with anticipation (and dread) for our return trip to the mall.

So to save a few pennies, I threw away hundreds more and half a tank of gas and very nearly my glasses, but- you get what you pay for.

I'm expecting great things from these clothes.

Nope, NOT Dead.

2008-08-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

Of the last four weeks, Husband was business trippin' for three of them and I had company for the other one. I survived the business trips. Barely. More on that later.

School is starting Monday. (Insert ecstatic shriek of joy here.) I survived the summer. Barely. : )

I'll get back to blogging soon.

Aussies Ain't Perverts

2008-07-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

AUSTRALIA, I LOVE YOU!!!

I check my stats. Obsessively. I find no end of entertainment in seeing where you live, when you come here, how long you stay, how you got here.... Which brings us to-

What is it with foreigners surfing for p*rn?!!! (Trying to avoid getting more googlers here.) I am not kidding. In the last six months I may have had three or four Americans end up here by googling something sick and twisted. But Italians? Asians? South Africans? I can't even count 'em. I've even had a few from Germany, although I have some actual readers there as well. Australia is the only country that has not had even ONE pervert come searching A Bunch Without Alice looking for who-knows-what. (Actually, I do know what because I read the google search queries on my stats.) But still!

I would like to thank you Australia. Would that more countries had people like you. If I could award Australia a prize on this blog I would. Hmm....

Family Time and Lord of the Flies- It's All PG-13

2008-07-15T03:58:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a crazy few weeks. We went to the every-other-year Brady family reunion at the end of June and had a great time. I always love hanging out with Husband's cousins and seeing the kids all hang out together. Altogether we're almost 100 people with half of those being kiddos. It's always really fun and somewhat exhausting.

HIGHLIGHTS:

Mr.Yuke(4) finding his BEST BUDDY Mr.J.T.(5) and spending every single minute together. Mr.J.T.(5) has a rule at his house that he can't visit friends/they can't visit him if his mom doesn't know their parents. He was shocked and then overjoyed to discover that I KNOW HIS MOM!!!!! so Mr.Yuke(4) can come over. !!!! I said, "Sure. SOMEtime. Not tomorrow. Not this year. But SOMEtime."
Mr.Yuke(4) didn't miss a beat: Yeah! I know! Like maybe when I'm PG-13 THEN I could go there!!!!!
They made plans to "be best buddies until [they] DIE. And after too."

CousinPA put together a funniest home videos night that had a special tribute to Husband's Grandma who you may remember left us the same week I lost the twins. It was really beautiful and had that "Let me go home" song on it that I love so much. Everyone was in tears. It was great. The woman lived a very full life. I told Husband later that I hope I live even half that full. (With this many kiddos that may be unavoidable. : ) )

They had a BIG GI-NORMOUS INFLATABLE WATERSLIDE on the first day. No, seriously. It was BIG.

We do a generations dinner one of the nights. I LOVE that. This year the grandparents all went out at 5:30 while us parents took our kids swimming in the hotel pool to get them tired, fed them fast food, and got them ready for bed so that the Grandparents could watch them at the hotel when they got back while we went out to dinner. We went to Chili's and had a great time. My favorite part of the evening was when SingerGirl told us an Emily Watts story. Essentially the story was about a trip Emily Watts took to Vegas and the intimidation she felt in hanging out in her bathing suit at the casino pool next to all the bronze hard-bodies. She ended up deciding that she would do them all the service of having someone to look better than in order for them to feel good about themselves. Charitable, no? Well at this point NotAFuddyDuddy says, "You know, I guess I always thought- it's not like people don't know what I look like. I'm not going to take off my clothes and they're going to go- 'OH MY GOSH!!! She's FAT!!!!! I had NO idea!' I thoroughly enjoyed that. Hopefully the humor wasn't just limited to her delivery of it.

The day after the reunion was over, we spent the day in one of our country's beautiful National Parks, just the eight of us. (Hee hee. That sounds funny.) Anyway, it was just us. It was really nice. We saw some beautiful scenery, hiked to a watertrickle, went to a museum, and drove THROUGH a mountain. MonsterTruck(3) got heat exhaustion and we didn't know the extent of it until that night as we were making the road trip back home when he started HALLUCINATING. I am not kidding. I'm talking FULL-ON acid-trip-style freak-out. Poor little kid. He just couldn't understand why we weren't DOING ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. (!!!!!!!!!!!) He screamed bloody murder for half an hour until we got home and got him in the shower. He never was convinced that what he was seeing was not there.

He had a fever the next day so I took him to the doctor. Turns out the heat exhaustion had combined with a virus we picked up at the reunion (The Pinkiest(5) got it too) and caused an extra-special side effect. Scary.

A couple days later I got said virus. Then I felt REALLY bad for the boy. It was HORR. I. BLE. It was some sort of infection of the spinal fluid that was localized in the neck and upper back. You know that feeling when water gets up your nose? Well it was like that only in your upper spine and the base of your head. It hurt A LOT and my arms got really weak like I couldn't lift them. Luckily the terrible pain and fever only lasted about a day and a half, but the recovery took almost a week of sleeping. The three of us slept a lot when we got back.

So I finally recovered from that fun (during which time the 4th of July came and went). [You know I was sick because the 4th is my MOST FAVORITEST holiday ever and I was so tired that all I was able to blog about it was the sentence I put down there about that stupid, terrible waste of $40 we spent at the movie theater that day. SO- happy 4th everyone! Freedom is a privilege that must be carefully guarded. : )] So anyway- I recovered. The next day I thought, oh good. I can finally get up and some stuff done. I got up. I showered. I put in a load of laundry. And I got a migraine. This pretty much only happens to me when I'm pregnant (migraines, that is). It was one of the really bad ones when you can't SEE. Sight is something that I depend on pretty heavily. Like toothpaste. And underwires. I NEED to see. I laid down in bed and sent the kids to every single neighbor within 5 houses in any direction in search of a caffeinated beverage. (That is DIVINE advice from my old OB.) Nobody had anything. I had no choice but to try to sleep it off, knowing full-well the Lord of the Flies scenario that would ensue. At one point during the day I vaguely remember hearing someone yell, "Kryptonite(1) ate the WHOLE jar of jelly!" I had visions of jelly stains on every surface of the first floor as I dozed. Fortune smiled on me in the form of the ProprietoroftheAllenCafe. She had loaned me a library book and she dropped by to get it so she could return it (hopefully before any overdue fines?). I'm a little hazy on the details but I know that upon seeing my children and the state they were in (I can only imagine, having spent my day gaining an appreciation for the blind,) she asked Little Mommy(9) if I was ok and did I need any help? LittleMommy(9) promptly replied that I had a migraine and what I needed was caffeine. TheProprietoroftheAllenCafe offered to get me something on her way back from the library and LittleMommy(9) sweetly informed her that it would need to be Dr. Pepper. (She's a good kid.) That angel of a woman brought me 2 liters of Dr. Pepper and took my jelly-slathered baby home with her. I picked Kryptonite(1) up about 4 hours later when the caffeine had kicked in and I could see again. I don't know what she looked like when she left but apparently it was bad enough to neccessitate a bath. THANK YOU ALLENCAFELADY!!! YOU ARE A LIFE-SAVER! (Unfortunately I think I probably mean that literally because who KNOWS what could have happened to her before Husband came home?)

Now I am trying to hang in there for a couple more weeks until FedEx brings my Twilight book. I re-re-read the three I have but there is still a couple weeks to go. Someone give me something to read, quick!!!

People are Lard-Sucking Killers of the Earth

2008-07-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

There. Now you don't have to waste any money seeing Wall*E.

NOT GOOSE!!!!!

2008-06-25T12:36:00.000-07:00

The hormones are a ragin' I tell you. Pregnancy is a funny thing. It's no wonder that just a century ago they were locking pregnant women up in asylums. That doesn't look like I spelled that right. Oh well. You know what I mean. The water works are just really primed and ready to go at any little thing. Like freedom. And fireworks. And Kryptonite(1) driving cars on my arm.

I read THE BEST book this week. For the official review you can look here, but suffice it to say, I broke up with Mr. Darcy over it. I loaned it to AmishAtHeart, but when she finishes it I am reading it again. I cried my eyes out at some parts so hard that my shirt was soaked. But that could be the hormones. Because I did the same thing last week when Maverick lost Goose. Again. : )

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know

2008-06-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine posted this on her blog and I felt like I knew her tons better after reading it. If you don't really care you can just skip this but for those of you who'd "come in and know me better, man", here are 200 things I have done (in red) and have not done (in blue).

1. loved someone unconditionally
2. ridden in a hot air balloon
3. gone hang gliding
4. shot a gun for target shooting and was good at it
5. gone scuba diving
6. visited England for Spring Break in high school
7. written a children's book
8. been to a tea party
9. backpacked through Europe
10. flown in an airplane on Christmas day to surprise my family by showing up
11. been a published author
12. driven a convertible
13. switched classrooms in grade school with my identical twin (don't have one)
14. earned a Masters Degree (not yet, anyway)
15. married the man of my dreams and the love of my life
16. swam with dolphins
17. gone camping with no flush toilets
18. sung a solo
19. had nightmares
20. run 5 miles
21. made brownies and then eaten the whole batter
22. been stung by a jellyfish
23. had a pedicure and manicure
24. regifted
25. lost a loved one
26. been in a movie (nope, but there is someone else in the movies I used to get mistaken for ALL THE TIME.)
27. taken a martial arts class
28. won a scrapbook contest
29. gone rock climbing
30. learned a second language (not fluently anyway)
31. been horse back riding
32. tried digital scrapbooking (I like the hands-on-ness of the old school way)
33. won money
34. danced on a table
35. ridden an elephant
36. been in a dance contest
37. been a worrier
38. flown in a helicopter
39. met someone famous
40. kissed under a waterfall
41. attended the Olympics
42. hiked the Grand Canyon
43. donated blood
44. ridden in a limousine
45. served in a soup kitchen
46. eaten fried green tomatoes
47. been on a blind date
48. seen a play
49. raked my carpet
50. double-dipped
51. toured the White House
52. owned a hybrid car
53. thrown money in a trash can by mistake
54. used my finger as a pacifier to calm a crying baby
55. exercised while on vacation
56. been on a cruise
57. had bon bons lying in bed
58. seen a crime take place
59. had a couples massage with my husband
60. been to Niagra Falls
61. water skiied on one ski
62. seen a penguin
63. collected ash from Mt. St. Helen's eruption
64. seen Old Faithful erupt
65. slept on a cot
66. killed a snake
67. become a reality show addict
68. won a costume contest
69. gone to a drive-in theatre
70. been snorkeling
71. had a privately guided tour
72. caught a fish and cooked it for dinner
73. been homesick
74. eaten hardshell crabs
75. been a nanny
76. been a room mom for my child's classroom
77. neglected my kids because I was reading a good book
78. come face-to-face with a shark [but it was in a tank : )]
79. read the Bible from cover to cover (ALMOST!)
80. been skydiving
81. ridden a roller coaster
82. watched a parade
83. ridden a tandum bike
84. walked holding hands with my husband on the beach
85. been to Lake Tahoe
86. owned a vacation place
87. been to a movie by myself
88. bought a brand new car
89. killed a black widow spider
90. found an arrowhead
91. been deep-sea fishing
92. hit a home run
93. put up a tent all by myself
94. bowled a turkey
95. cooked a turkey
96. hidden treats for husband and me
97. had a frozen drink at the side of a swimming pool
98. eaten in a restaurant by myself just so I could say that I did (that wasn't actually my reason though.)
99. been embarrased or ashamed by my behavior
100. read a chapter book with my son
101. played in a ping pong competition (does middle school lunchtime count?)
102. payed for a bag of candy with all change
103. been on a deserted island
104. enjoyed a romantic evening in front of the fireplace
105. run in a marathon
106. met a street beggar
107. ridden an unicycle
108. been able to fake an accent
109. taken a dance class in college
110. taken my children to the circus
111. slept on a trampoline
112. tried to change the oil in my car
113. climbed a tree
114. switched political parties
115. participated in a pagent
116. swam the English Channel
117. found a shark's tooth
118. freaked out on a Ferris Wheel
119. been on a safari
120. been afraid to say sorry
121. seen a bear on the side of the road
122. baked a pie from scratch
123. been blessed with a green thumb
124. always felt loved
125. climbed the stairs of the Statue of Liberty
126. always controlled my emotions
127. laughed uncontrollably during the most inopportune moment
128. danced in the rain
129. pet a baby lion
130. vacationed in Asia
131. been elected to a public office
132. wanted to be a rock star
133. been happy with my life
134. been to Coney Island
135. taken a bubble bath
136. been in a photo shoot
137. been President of a fan club
138. pulled "weeds" in a friend's garden only to find out they were wildflowers
139. been a financially high-maintenance wife (depends on who you ask!)
140. been an emotionally high-maintenance wife
141. touced an iceberg
142. taken voice lessons
143. roller skated in the last three decades
144. hugged my sister in a year
145. talked with her several times a week for the last year
146. played dumb to get my husband to help me with something
147. ever liked olives (until that fateful day....)
148. learned to like mushrooms because they are good for me
149. gotten a 100% on a test or exam
150. been on a news program
151. been the class clown
152. hiked on a glacier
153. milked a cow
154. taken in a stray cat or dog
155. entered a photo in a photography contest (someday I will)
156. never had a crush on a college professor
157. taken piano lessons
158. written my congressman a letter
159. had a lemonade stand
160. polished silverware
161. had a facial
162. paid the toll for the person behind me
163. had pnemonia
164. talked my way out of a speeding ticket (no, but I dreamed about it last night)
165. had to pull over from driving because of a rain storm
166. had a pet cat
167. broken a bone in my body
168. stuffed my bra
169. dated two guys with the same name
170. had all my children by c-section
171. had a sinus infection
172. joined a sorority my first year of college
173. been in combat
174. eaten sushi
175. met a set of triplets
176. learned to surf
177. gone spelunking
178. flown first-class
179. had tubes in my ears
180. suffered from allergies
181. worn a tutu
182. been athletic my whole life (athleticism has always sort of gone in spurts for me)
183. done a belly flop
184. had my portrait painted
185. sent a message in a bottle
186. participated in a book club
187. dated someone with the same name as my brother
188. been great at keeping in touch with old friends
189. seen a beautiful sunset
190. been controlling
191. read the ending of a muder mystery before reading the book
192. been to Africa
193. had a song dedicated to me on the radio
194. been white water rafting
195. been on a cruise
196. been stuck in an elevator
197. sat on a jury
198. had stitches
199. lied about my weight
200. been given 6.5 beautiful children to love

Interestingly enough, of the 86 or so have-nots, Husband has done 18 of them and MyBeautiful has done 18 others. I must be attracted to people who balance me out. : )

Virginity and Death: Despereaux Rides Again

2008-06-13T13:50:00.000-07:00

"When you have a family of eight, there necessarily needs be a system of rules to manage the inevitable chaos. Some of these rules are important. Some aren't."

Remember that? Remember when, a little less than a year ago I posted about Max and I gently poked fun at Husband's declaration that THERE IS NO EATING IN THE CAR?

Yes. I remember that.

"Max lost her virginity a long time ago. Max is my car." Recently Max has been defiled. I'll come back to that.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of meeting LindseyLonglegs, a blogger whom I read with some regularity and who, until very recently (when I sort of went under the radar with post-partum depression and then morning sickness), had a link to this site on her blog. (HINT HINT.) : ) Meeting Lindsey was really fun. Maybe some of you remember that a while back I offered a little prize to the first commentor on my 100th post. Well Lindsey was the lucky "alert reader" who won that distinction and in light of this post, I felt the only possible fitting prize would be one of every kind of cupcake from Flour Girls and Dough Boys because seriously? Can anything else compare? So I procured the cupcakes and drove the long way to meet her. The weather was gorgeous (it's about time!) and as long as you were in the sun it was "not even cold!" as ThePinkiest(5) put it. I was really excited, both to meet her and to present her with those beautiful cupcakes. I wish I had a picture of them but my phone got a VIRUS and I can no longer send pics. Very sad. I was going to steal the pics from Lindsey's blog but she can't find her cords to upload them. Let's just say that the cupcakes are a work of art and that nothing else I can say would do them justice. She was adequately impressed and said they received her highest recommendation yet. That place should really start putting me on their payroll. : ) (Just kidding, Carol! I DO wish you'd put a link to your menu on your blog though. It would make telling people about you SO much easier.)

Apparently, one of the benefits of living out in the country, is that when your kids leave the van door open for five minutes or so, you can have a mouse live in your car. So I get to the meeting place to find Lindsey, go to get the stroller out of the back of Max, and that is when I saw it. A cute, furry little butt scurrying its Hanta-virus-carrying self away from the stroller up to the front of the van- my beautiful, wonderful, just-completely-vacuumed-out-in-March van. THERE WAS A MOUSE. IN. MY. CAR. I did the only natural thing I could do: I screamed, threw the stroller on the ground to make sure the little vermin didn't have any friends, and slammed the car shut. I opened the stoller up (it was safe by the way), debated for a second, put the baby in it, and then opened the front door to see if I could locate the disgusting little creature. Nope. He was long gone. To his deluxe condo (which I pay over 5oo$ a month for) up under the dash. I decided there was not much I could do at that point and my kids were already heading off to see the sights without me so I just locked the car and tried to forget about it temporarily.

Ever try to forget there's something crawly pooping in your very own car? It doesn't really work. So although I enjoyed meeting Lindsey, my pregnancy brain was pretty much fixated on two things and I am sure I was not a sparkling conversationalist. (For example: Lindsey asked me what blogs I read. I couldn't think of any. I didn't even think to tell her about Pioneer Woman. I LOVE that blog. Nope. I had nothin'.) (Thanks for hanging out with me Linds, sorry I was not all there.) The two things I was fixating on were these- 1) Do we have Hanta virus in ThePlaceThatILive and 2) Is there a way to possibly take care of the whole entire mess without Husband actually finding out? The answer to #1 is sadly, yes. I confirmed that with the county health department today. Hopefully we won't all die in two weeks. The answer to #2 is HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I have children! The rodent fumes must have been interfering with my ability to think clearly because not even pregnancy brain would bring on an idea THAT ludicrous. I figured it would be about .2 seconds after Husband pulled up to the house before the kids had run out to his car and were knocking on his car window to tell him the wonderfully exciting news: THERE IS A MOUSE IN OUR CAR!!!!!!!!! So there was only one thing to do. I had to call him and confess the entire situation to him, admitting my own partial guilt in the situation for disregarding his Rule that THERE IS NO EATING IN THE CAR, thus creating an environment which would entice any half-sane, olfactorily challenged mouse into setting up residence there. Husband is very good and did not even get angry or gloat. I wish I was that good. I'm going to be. Someday.

Remember that post about Max from last year that I mentioned earlier? You may remember that in that same post I also blogged about our tradition of reading aloud. The book we are almost finished reading right now is The Tale of Despereaux. It is the story of a brave little mouse who fights against all odds to save the Princess he loves. It's a pretty ok story. Definitely not my favorite but the kids have really seemed to enjoy it. There are a lot of annoying asides to the reader that say stupid things like, "Now dear reader, you know of course...". The whole "dear reader" thing makes me kind of want to puke. The nice thing about readalouds it that you can leave that part out and then it's not annoying to anyone but the person who actually sees the page. Well anyway, Despereaux is a favorite around here.

Last night as Husband and I were systematically removing all the items from the van with our nitrile gloves on so we could get to the mouse STUFF to spray it down, to clean it up, to take the car to get it steam cleaned/detailed (aren't rodents FUN?), Bubba(7), who by nature is a very sensitive child, realized what was imminent. "Do you have to KILL the mouse?"
Me: Yes, honey.
Bubba(7): Why can't you just let it go?
Husband: Because it would just come back. Or try to live in our garage. Or our house.
Me: The mouse HAS TO DIE. Honey.
Bubba(7) tearing up: But why do you have to kill it?
He cried the rest of the evening and was still in tears as he went to bed, knowing full well that his evil parents were going to send poor little Despereaux to his untimely grave. I really AM that cruel. (Now right off, any mom is going to tell you that my priorities are exactly right on target. Of course "no food in the car" is WAY more important than reading "Charlotte's Web" before watching it- let's just get that straight right now.) And of course killing Despereaux is WAY more important than allowing a child's literary character to maintain residence in the family automobile. I didn't let Charlotte and her disgusting little egg sac live in my doorway and I'm not affording Despereaux any such luxury either. Some kids would tell me I'm wrong. That's why we're the moms. And why there is a mouse trap with a dead mouse in the garbage can right now.

Taste the Old El Paso

2008-06-12T10:20:00.000-07:00

I couldn't take it. The blog could not go on looking like a can of refried beans. Hope this is better. It still feels summer-y to me.

The F-Word

2008-06-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

So, if I take fresh potatoes, not even from a bag, just the loose ones in the produce section and I cut them up with the peels still on, and then I cook them in healthy oils (one part extra virgin olive oil: 2 parts canola)- can they be considered somewhat healthy? Or are they automatically junk food because they are fried?

Warming Up the Blog

2008-06-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

I realize the new color pallette is a little garish. It's not permanent, I assure you. But as I sit here with GOOSEBUMPS and blue feet, I had to do something to convince myself it's warm right now. I tell you, if I actually believed in all that stuff about fossil fuel emissions I would go outside right this very minute and leave my van idling in the driveway all day long to try to warm up the globe a little. But alas.... It wouldn't work. I guess I'll stick with the more effective method. Posting bright sunshiny colors on the internet. Later.

One Less Way to Die

2008-06-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Kids are dangerous. I think they should come with a warning label for their potential level of danger and mayhem. Maybe on the DEFCON scale or something. Some kids would just be at DEFCON-1. Those are the kids who may throw their bowl of applesauce off the high chair tray once or twice and maybe occasionally poop in the bathtub. (Yes, that happens.) I'm thinking of Valenzoo's children here, and you, Dharma. ThePinkiest(5) was once in this category but she was upgraded last year to DEFCON-4.

DEFCON-2 are your kids who don't get themselves into trouble but if left there, will continue to roll off the bed hoping that this time gravity will not exist, even though they have tested this theory 500 times to date and are old enough to retain the results of all their previous experiments. [LittleMommy(9)]

DEFCON-3 are the kids who think they are invincible or that they have super powers. I'm talking specifically about Mr.Yuke(4) here. Did I ever blog about the time he thought he actually WAS Superman? If I did, I apologize for repeating it here.

This is what happened. The boys all share a room. Bubba(7) has the top bunk, a twin. Mr.Yuke(4) has the bottom bunk, a double. Across the room a few feet is MonsterTruck's(3) bed, a toddler. Well, Mr.Yuke had on his new Superman jammies and he was sure that those pj's were all he needed to attain all the powers of Krypton. He decided the best way to test his power would be with flight. Specifically, he would fly from a standing position on MonsterTruck's(3) bed UP TO Bubba's(7) bed. Really, as far as SuperHero flight patterns go, this really was a small and easily attainable first attempt. Well, he made the leap, fell short of his goal (the top bunk), and SMACKED his head on the metal edge of the bottom bunk. Ever seen a headwound? Yeah, they're messy. So after slowing down the bleeding I ascertained that Mr.Yuke(4)-(then 3) was going to need several stitches. I took him to the emergency room- and here is the part where he warrants the DEFCON-3 rating as opposed to just the accident-prone DEFCON-2: As the doctor was stitching him up, asking him all those slightly insinuating/accusatory questions to make sure the parent didn't just make up a phony Superman story and actually bludgeon him with a blunt object, the doc says, "So you can't really fly, huh? (Then with confidence and somewhat in the tone of a gameshow host-) Well, you're not going to try that again are you?" Mr.Yuke's(4) answer? "Well, I fink it's because I didn't have my cape on. You need your cape to fly. I need to try it again WITH my cape." The doctor didn't even know what to say to that. He just gave me a look that said, "I pity you."

DEFCON-4: These are the kids who learn to open the child safety locks and pill bottles when they are 7 months old. They have advanced motor skills so many of them are also climbers and escape artists. MonsterTruck(3) falls into this category. I've mentioned before that we have called Poison Control more times for that kid than all the other kids put together. UPDATE: Since that post, we've called Poison Control four more times. He is just bent on killing himself, ok? DEFCON-4 kids are also the ones who are the evil genius masterminds behind all the naughtiness that takes place in a given household. This is where ThePinkiest(5) fits in. Last week when I posted the In A Word meme tag, it was because I needed a few days to find the humor in her latest scheme. It was still too fresh to be funny. Here is what happened.

I mentioned I'm clueless, right? Well, in spite of past experience, I left an open bag of flour in the kitchen overnight. [I guess that makes me a DEFCON-2 : )] ThePinkiest(5) and Mr.Yuke(4) discovered it the next day while I was upstairs laying down with Kryptonite(1). We were both just recovering from some sort of flu bug that was pretty nasty and we were plain dog tired. I heard the two of them downstairs laughing their maniacal laughter- and really, if I had been on top of my game instead of in a sick-induced stupor, I probably would have realized from the sound of that laughter that something insidious was taking place and would have put a stop to it before it escalated to where it did. But my pregnancy brain was not functioning at that Supermom level so I missed my cue for intervention. The first clue I got that something was not right was when MonsterTruck(3) came upstairs with white hair and said, "Mo-om. ThePinkiest(5) and Mr.Yuke(4) are pwaying wif duh fwower." I sent him to the shower and spent the next several minutes trying to work up the energy to go downstairs and see what the extent of the mess was. Now, the next part is unclear but from what I could gather it went like this: There had been a flour fight where handfulls of flour were thrown around (about 20 pounds worth, give or take). Then someone looked around and realized that they were going to be in BIG trouble so they decided they better clean it up. I think this must be the point when they added the water (about 2 gallons worth, all over the kitchen floor). At least I think they were using the water to clean it up with. I was a little too ballistic to gather accurate details at the time. You know what you get when you mix flour and water, right? Yep. They paper mache`d my entire kitchen floor. And then tried to sweep up the goo up with the broom. Oh- by the way, Lowe's has an excellent broom selection, just FYI. So I was exhausted, angry, still not feeling all that well, and was NOT under any circumstances going to get my pregnant self on my hands and knees to clean up that mess. I supplied the two of them with scrapers and later rags, and allowed them the joy of cleaning up their fun. ThePinkiest(5) actually said to me after about ten minutes of scraping, "It's NOT FAIR that WE have to clean up this mess." HA! MyBeautiful put it best when she said, "It's not fair. WE already spent FIFTEEN minutes making this mess. We shouldn't have to clean it up too." Things like this are why ThePinkiest(5) is permanently at DEFCON-4. That night I left the minute Husband came home and went to a movie with Smunchie and MyOtherMother. Husband is good like that. Sometimes it's necessary to leave your children for a short while in order to love them properly when you come back. We saw BabyMama. It was WAY better than the previews made it look.

DEFCON-5 is reserved for kids who bring drugs into the house and act violently against their family members. We don't have any of those. Knock on wood.

Kryptonite(1) has been a DEFCON-1 kid since she was born. I call that "the tender mercies of the Lord". She is easy and low-maintenance. She has only had two or three minor accidents in a year and she learned quickly from all of them. This week she learned two new things. She has expanded her vocabulary from "No" to "No" and "Hi!". And she learned to crawl down the stairs!!! (Insert angelic choir and applause here.) I am ecstatic. One less way to die. Now if I could just get her to stop playing in the potty every time someone forgets to close the bathroom door upon exiting the restroom, we'd be good. Because let's face it, the only thing worse than your baby drowning, is your baby drowning in pee-water from a toilet that was left unflushed by an older sibling. WHY can't they flush the toilet?! WHY? I just don't get it.

Clueless

2008-06-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

When Husband read my post about our movie date, his first question was, "Why didn't you put a link to Indiana Jones?" I cannot believe I made such a blunderous oversight. : ) [Here is a link to Indiana Jones.] Then he proceeded to tell me all the details I had gotten wrong because I am, as I said, clueless. Here is a printed correction:

The hat from the original Raiders milliner is from Canada, not Brazil.
The leather jacket is from Brazil. (I knew that.)
The sucker with the picture of Indy on the wrapper was not purchased in Disneyland. It was actually procured in Switzerland. That is cooler I think.

So there you go. I'm a clueless wife. : ) I say at least I knew he had all that stuff.

My cluelessness is not limited to the collection of Indiana Jones paraphenalia which sits in my house. When I am pregnant I get a SEVERE case of pregnancy brain. The kiddos keep doing all these funny things and I think, "Oh, I'll have to blog about that." Then I sit down four hours later and cannot for the life of me remember anything funny they have ever done in their entire lives. Mr.Yuke(4) has not ceased his antics but I can't seem to retain any of it for longer than two seconds.

The funny stories are not the only thing my brain has a hard time with when I'm pregnant. Day before yesterday, I got a call from the anesthesiologist's billing office. Apparently, we owe the balance after what the insurance covered and they would like to get paid. That is all fine. I was unaware that the insurance didn't cover all of it. No problem. But the conversation went something like this:

Caller: Hi. Is this Aberjaber?
Me: Yes.
Caller: This is Caller from SomeplaceorOtherAnesthesia.
Me Huh. Have I ever had that? When did I ever have that? Then looking at my hand comprehension dawns: Yes?
Caller: We show you have a balance with us of SomeAmountorOther for Anesthesiology.
Me: I have insurance. Don't they cover (what's that word? Dang. I can't think of it.) Anes...thesio...lo...gia? Anesthesio...? Anes...?
Caller: Which company is your provider?
Me: Anesthesia! InsuranceCompanyX
Caller: Yes. It appears that they paid the part they cover and you are now responsible for the balance.
Me: Oh. Ok.

Yes. This sort of thing happens to me several times a day. I go from a working vocabulary of 20,000 words before I'm pregnant, to barely communicating through a series of grunts and pointing for nine months every time I conceive. It's a little funny. And a lot frustrating. Even this post is taking me forever to write because I keep having to delete words and put the correct ones in their place.

The pregnancy is going well. I am now in my 14th week and feel like I can sit back and celebrate the fact that I'm pregnant without worrying anymore. I hope that's not naiive.

The child of my youth has been gone to visit her grandparents on an extended vacation. LittleMommy(9) left a week before school got out and we won't see her until the family reunion at the end of this month. I'm really missing her. I hate letting my kids grow up. It stinks. : ) She is having a good time but she misses her siblings and has found out ThatPlaceThatWeUsedToLive is not ShangriLa after all. I think that she will appreciate us more when she gets back. At least that's what I'm hoping.

MonsterTruck(3) is finally pooping in the potty. I sort of- through a series of unfortunate events which were largely out of my control- didn't ever potty train him. PianoGirl believes that kids will potty train themselves when they are ready and that formal potty training doesn't really work. I have hoped this to be true since I have been unable to potty train him for the last eight months. Having done it both ways now, I can say that for me- the frustration of two intense weeks is far less than the frustration of eight months of unnecessary diaper/pullup changing. But that's just me. I am SO THANKFUL he has finally decided to get on the band wagon.

You know who else is clueless? I'll give you a hint. It is June. Until yesterday it was 55 degrees outside. I'm just sayin' is all. Thank goodness it is beginning to warm up. Summer vacation should feel summer-y. That's all I have to say about that.

In A Word

2008-05-30T15:10:00.000-07:00

I liked this one, so here you go. Feel free to share your own answers.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Significant other? Yes
3. Worst bad habit? Procrastinating
4. Hair? Yup.
5. Favorite food? Italian
6. Your Favorite thing? Rain
7. Your dream last night? Forgot
8. Favorite drink? Agua
9. Dream/Goal? Graduate
10. Room you are in? Hall
11. Your ex? Pathetic
12. Your fear? Inability
13. Where do you want to be in six years? School
14. Where were you last night? Rejuvenating
15. What you're not? Pushover
16. Muffins? Yum
17. Wish list item? Alice
18. Where did you grow up? Northwest
19. Last thing you do? Sigh
20. What are you wearing? Red
21. Your TV? Off
22. Your pets? None
23. Your computer? Messy
24. Your life? Busy
25. Your mood? Relieved
26. Missing someone? Yes
27. Your car? Minivan
28. Something you are not wearing? Ring
29. Favorite store? Bookstore
30. Your summer? Starting
31. Love someone? Many
32. Last time you laughed? Yesterday
33. Last time you cried? Yesterday

Family: Isn't It About... MINE?

2008-05-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of the Toddler Rules of Acquisition? It's a paraody on (I cringe as I type this-) the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition. (Deep Space Nine. A moment of silence for my dignity.) Anyway, the Toddler Rules of Acquistion are as follows:

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

I've always liked that and found quite a lot of truth in it. I was reminded of The Rules recently when MonsterTruck(3) had his birthday. Husband asked him what he would like for a present and without hesitation he anwered, "A lightsaber that is MINE." Poor kid. In early childhood development they will tell you that the reason toddlers are so possessive is because their identity is tied to their belongings. Well, lucky for us he seems pretty well-adjusted because the boy has got nothin'. We have EVERY SINGLE TOY in that famous toy chain worth having at this house. This last Christmas there was nothing in that ENTIRE store that my kids wanted. We did three laps. I'm not kidding. But the problem is, the toys at our house all have owners. The children all share, of course, but when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, those toys belong to individuals. Of which MonsterTruck(3) is apparently not one.

We were more than happy to accomodate his wish for his own light saber. We threw in a Thomas train as well since those all belong to Bubba(7) and Mr.Yuke(4). MonsterTruck(3) was ECSTATIC. He has walked around with a light saber strapped to his underwear every day since then. (Don't ask me where his pants are. All I know is that I put them on him and then they are gone.) Incidentally, underwear doesn't really hold the weight of a light saber very efficiently....

So we got him presents. He was happy. Mr.Yuke(4) was not. Because trains are HIS, see? And so us giving one to MonsterTruck(3) is really quite unacceptable. And why doesn't MR.YUKE(3) have that particular engine? And it's not fair.

There are a lot of things in family life that belong to us. I have realized that although the idea that everything is mine starts in toddlerhood, it really stays with us our whole lives. There is the ever-so-trying period of life from 7-ish to I-don't-know-when that girls think everything in the house is part of their domain and therefore fair game. Like scissors and masking tape and lip gloss. (THOSE ARE MINE.) And computer paper. (HUSBAND'S) And brownie mixes. And....

It's not all possessiveness though. My children are sometimes very generous with their things. Like when I say clean up your room and they all say that those clothes on the floor belong to their beloved sister/brother who they share a room with. It is just really so kind they way they give up their stuff like that. Warms a mother's heart. Or temper- one of those. : )

They are also very generous with fault. Blame is something that is never anyone's "MINE". It is ALWAYS someone else's. The floor must truly bleed jelly. It is the only logical explanation.

We continue the compulsion to claim what is ours even into adulthood. Show me one woman in this country who has given birth who has not at some point or other felt compelled to tell all about their labor and delivery- in detail. I am telling you, she doesn't exist. We all want credit for what is OURS. Even if it's blood, sweat, and tears. Especially if.

We judge comments we hear from others based on our experience. "Yes, that's true with MINE." or "Not with MINE." I recently went to a class on holding effective Family Home Evenings where the teacher (whose lesson was great, by the way) made a comment to the effect of "Your kids idolize you. They want to be you. There is no one they admire more." Forgetting temporarily that her children are 2 and 7 months or something like that, all I could think was, "Are you INSANE? Not MINE." But she does not have a pre-pubescent daughter at the moment. She was teaching from HER perspective. And I was hearing from MINE.

Everywhere I go people are always asking me, "Are these all YOURS?" I have yet to come up with the perfect snarky comeback to that but really? If you had three or four kids, would you round up three MORE to do a little grocery shopping with? Yes. They are all mine- which brings me back to MonsterTruck(3).

A few days after his birthday, he was laying on my bed, looking up at the wall where all the family pictures are. He said, "There's Gwanny, and Gwamma, and Gwampa, and Daddy, and Mommy, and LittleMommy(9), and Bubba(7), and Mr. Yuke(4), and Kryptonite(1), and ThePinkiest(5), and MoneyBags, and Sumping.... Those is MY PEOPLE." Looks like he had something to identify himself with before the light saber after all.

Yeah. Those IS my people. That's who I am. And I'm so glad they're MINE.

This 'n That: Movie Edition

2008-05-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

Okay, first- Twilight. For those of you who went to Indiana Jones in the last couple of days, you've probably already seen this. For those of you who haven't, all I can say is my faith is restored in Cedric Diggory. A little.

Now, if that was too short a bite and you had to watch it a minimum of six times in a row, try this one on for size. It's a behind-the-scenes look at filming and it changed my almost-made-up-mind about skipping the movie. It looks pretty action-packed.

Getting excited? Maybe just a teence? (Yup. Just made that word up. Actually no, I didn't. Someone really annoying one of my pseudo-brothers used to date used that word. A lot. She was a psycho cleptomaniac. Okay, I take it back. I'm sorry. I take it back. What was I thinking?) I digress.

Where was I? Oh, right. Excited. Well, this- in a round about way- brings me to the aforementioned movie recommendation. If you have not seen Penelope, I highly recommend it. It is a sweet, poignant, beautifully/artistically rendered fairy tale starring Christina Ricci and James McEvoy. James McEvoy has as much... I don't even know what to call it- appeal?- as ever. (Which I don't get, by the way. How can he be so simultaneously unappealingly scrawny and to-die-for desireable at the same time? It makes no sense.) Yes, in this movie you just love him. Again. If you haven't seen it, you can rent it when it comes out on July 15th. What, you ask, does this have to do with Twilight? I will tell you. The video of Penelope is going to have never-before-seen footage of the Twilight movie on it. So, for all you diehard Stephenie Meyer fans, the good news seems to be that they will spare you a Twilight famine by periodically releasing tidbits until the movie comes out. All the way in December.

For the two of you who've not read the Twilight books yet, you have time to read the three in print approximately ten times at average reading speed before the next book comes out in August. : ) HA HA HA! They're all right. Brain candy. But yummy delicious goodness.

I went to Indiana Jones. Husband is a true fan. The kind that has all the stuff. Stuff like a real, honest-to-goodness fedora purchased from the same Brazilian millinery company that made Indy's actual hat in Raiders. And a whip. And a hand-made leather jacket. And a sucker purchased in Disneyland when Husband was like eleven years old with Indy's picture on the wrapper. And other stuff. Needless to say, he's been checking on the progress of Indy 4 periodically ever since the Holy Grail (3) came out. It is the thing he loves. He has read the books. He owns all the Young Indiana Jones chronicles (special edition with the extra documentaries) on DVD. (Those are really cool actually.) So, naturally when they announced the premiere of the fourth movie, I knew I was taking Husband to see it.

Have you ever tried to get a sitter for 6 kids? You know that sequence in Cheaper By the Dozen when Steve Martin is trying to get some domestic help for his 12 kids and everyone in the phone book hangs up on him? Let's just say that I did NOT find that funny. At all. I was worried how we were going to swing the babysitting thing. Well, Husband did a shocking and wonderful thing. He actually took the day off to do something for himself. Granted, taking time for oneself may not sound like a milestone to you- it certainly isn't for me, I'm a regular. (It keeps me sane.) But Husband on the other hand, does not do things for himself. He is a very self-sacrificing person. Almost to a fault. So I was flabbergasted/overjoyed when he announced that he would be staying home on Thursday. My next thought was that I would have to secretly arrange the babysitting and purchase the tickets and then just shanghai the man to the movie theater because otherwise he would spend Thursday cleaning up the basement or something. Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, he decided Wednesday night that he would like to see the movie on his day off. I jumped up Thursday morning and sat down with Fandango before I even went to the bathroom and purchased tickets before he could back out. Even as the receipt was printing I sensed he was balking as he asked doubtfully about the wisdom in purchasing tickets before we had sitters. But he was GOING, darn it! so I would make the babysitting thing work. I managed to farm out the kids to two friends and one entrepreneur (Thank you, StairstepMom and RanchWife!) and there we had it. A real-live date with no children, planned and paid for all before 9:00 am.

I knew that Husband probably wasn't going to indulge himself like this for another decade (or until the next Indy comes out- whichever happens first) once the guilt set in for doing something for himself this time, so I knew I had to make this one good. There is a new authentic "Virginia bbq" place in the town nearby where they have really good bbq pork that's not all saucy. After dropping Mr. Yuke off for his last day of preschool before summer, I headed right on down to the bbq and bought a pint of that delicious pig. Then I went to the local overpriced grocery store and got salt-and-vinegar Kettle Chips (I don't recommend this particular brand by the way. The original flavor is great, but those things are like the Altoids of salt-and-vinegar chips. Don't buy them! At least not if you value certain things like taste buds and intestines), because nothing goes better with bbq than salt and vinegar potato chips in my opinion. I also got Henry Weinhard's cream soda (Husband's favorite beverage, if not his favorite brand), and a medium bag of the Indiana Jones plain m&m's (Husband's favorite treat of all time. And the fact that they had pictures of hats and whips and relics on them, just made them near divinity). I took all that stuff back to the house and left it in the FREEZING COLD car (because TheWeatherPeople decided that summer vacation should start off in the mid-40's apparently) and sauntered casually into the house in order to ascertain if Husband was in the shower yet so I could pull off the suprise of the century. I walked in just in time to see MonsterTruck(2) jump back from a box of Cocoa Pebbles that he was about to swipe from the food storage with a look on his face of, "OH MAN!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT BOX OF CEREAL JUST ATTACK ME LIKE THAT?! RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE! BOY I'M GLAD YOU GOT HERE JUST NOW! RIGHT IN THE KNICK OF TIME LIKE THAT!!!!!" Heh heh. Nervous laugh. "Mommy! You skeer me!" Heh-heh heh-heh.
Me: What were you doing?
MonsterTruck(2) drops the cereal box behind him with a thud: Nuffing.
Me: Is Daddy in the shower?
MonsterTruck(2): No, he's out.
Me: Did he already take one?
MonsterTruck(2): No. He not inna show'r. He out it.
Me: Ooookayyyyy....
I gave him the stinkeye just for good measure and went upstairs to check on the hygiene status of Husband. He was just getting into the shower. Yay! Now for phase 2!

I have this bag. Well mine is black with hot pink polka dots, but it's the same bag. They come in a million colors. It is awesome. It is the greatest bag of all time. It's good for many things but my favorite use for it is sneaking food into movie theaters. It looks small, holds a ton of stuff, yet is stylish and not cumbersome. For Indiana Jones I packed into my bag:

2 bottles of cream soda
one full-size bag of potato chips (Okay, that barely fit- but it did.)
one pint of bbq meat
four whole wheat hamburger buns which did NOT get squished
two paper plates
two plastic forks
four napkins
4 little cups of special sauce and
a medium bag of m&ms

Buy the bag. You won't be sorry. I did all this, stowed the bag in the freezer-car, packed two diaper bags for different destinations, got MonsterTruck(2) ready to go, and hid all the evidence before Husband got out of the shower. He fixed sandwiches for The Pinkiest(5), Mr. Yuke(4) and MonsterTruck(2) to take to the sitters' and we were off. We dropped all the kids everywhere, and we headed for a during-school-hours matinee at the movie theater. Without children. Sorry, I just gotta type that one more time. Without children. Look! I've got goosebumps! : )

We got there, sat down, and like Mary Poppins I started pulling things out of my bag. Stuff just kept on coming. It was great. Husband was shocked. In a good way. The old lady sitting next to me did not seem too impressed however, but whatever. I'm pretty sure she thought the cream soda was beer. Oh well. It was a perfect date and thanks to my bag, a pretty good lunch too. The movie was all right, not the best one and not the worst either. I liked Shia LeBeouf, I don't care what all the diehard Indyfans online have to say about him.

It was a good day. I can't help lovin' that man of mine. Thank you Husband for doing something you enjoy!

Power: of Christ, of Women, of Music, of Faith

2008-05-24T18:12:00.000-07:00

More Highlights from BYU Women's Conference

Elder and Sister Merrill J. Bateman

[The Batemans spoke on the temple, but I think a lot of the things they said can apply to those who do not attend the temple as well.]

-Desire is the first step of learning about spiritual things.
-Spiritual things are not revealed to doubters.
-Ponder: The Holy Ghost speaks to the heart.

"If one wishes to find the Savior, the temple will be the most likely place."

-Baptism has the power to cleanse
-The Holy Ghost has the power to teach and purify
-The Priesthood has the power to bless and to serve

"I can think of no better way for children to come unto Christ than [for parents] to model their home after the House of the Lord."

In the temple:

-People speak in soft voices.
-Everyone is trained in their responsibilities. It is a house of order. First you teach the importance of a task, then you demonstrate the task; you have the child perform the task with assistance, and eventually you have them do it on their own.
-Begin and end with prayer.
-Everyone is treated with kindness. Kindness is the order of things.
-Begin the day early in the morning.

Also, for those of you who are LDS (and the curious among the rest of you), Elder Bateman shared the following scripture: Revelations 1:6.

Julie B. Beck

[Sister Beck spoke about the divinely apponted roles of men and women. Men are given the responsibilities of the Priesthood. Women are given the responsibilities of influence. As daughters of God, we all have this gift. Both parts are equally important and necessary in the Plan of Salvation. Whether we, as women, influence for good or for evil is the choice we have to make every day. I loved this talk so much.]

Each of us has a divinely appointed role to play. If we don't do our part, no one can do it for us.

"Influencing is ever so much more lasting than managing."

YOU have control over your mind- where you go and what you think about.

Home is a small fort. There you are safe.

Put the most effort in the area where you are weakest. [I have tested this principle this year. I truly know that the Lord will make weak things strong unto us if we put our trust in Him. I have always struggled reading my scriptures on a regular basis but this year I have put the most effort into that. The reward has been an outpouring of both the Spirit and personal revelation like I have never known before.]

Fortify and strengthen your child's school so they are safe. We always hear "They" will fix it. There is no "They", there is only You. YOU are "They".

Serve WITH your family.

Our Heavenly Father gave us half the responsibility [our brothers have the other half]. We cannot delegate it.

Dianne Bytheway: Fear Not: For They That Be with Us Are More Than They That Be with Them

[It is a dark time in the history of the world. The end is upon us. The signs of the times are all around us. We need not fear.]

Dearest children, God is near you,

Watching o’er you day and night,

And delights to own and bless you,

If you strive to do what’s right.

He will bless you, He will bless you,

If you put your trust in him."

~Hymns #96

Though deep’ning trials throng your way,

Press on, press on, ye Saints of God!

Ere long the resurrection day

Will spread its life and truth abroad,

Will spread its life and truth abroad.

~Hymns #122

Be thou humble in thy weakness,

and the Lord thy God shall lead thee,

Shall lead thee by the hand and

give thee answer to thy prayers.

Be thou humble in thy pleading,

and the Lord thy God shall bless thee,

Shall bless thee with a sweet and

calm assurance that he cares.

~ Hymns 130

"Faith and fear cannot coexist."

Quoting Elder James E. Faust from this excellent talk on hope, she said,

"Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope."

2 Kings 6:15-17

15 And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

16 And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

17 And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.

2 Timothy 1:7

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

"The Lord has confidence in us. We need to have trust in him."

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,

For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.

I’ll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,

Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,

Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

~ Hymns #85 (How Firm a Foundation)

John Bytheway: Fear Not: For They That Be With Us Are More Than They That Be With Them

"It's hard to have a negative attitude about things if your life is focused on the Prince of Peace."

"Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is a power to be reckoned with."~ M. Russell Ballard

"The only thing to fear is sin- and that is no matter for our Savior."

"Religion is not a crutch, it is a sword."

Saying, "Lord, Thy will be done."- that's where we get peace.

[He quoted Elder Boyd K. Packer, who, speaking about the 9/11 tradgedy said,] "This is a great time to live." (Things of the Soul, p. 195)

[He quoted President Gordon B. Hinckley who often said,] "Things will work out."

Doctrine & Covenants 6:36

36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

President Thomas S. Monson

"I plead with you not to let the important things in life pass you by. Find joy in the journey."

"Every day in your life is a special occasion."

"Try not to delay anything that will bring joy and laughter into our lives."

"There will be regrets. Try to keep the list as short as possible."

"Always express your thanks."

"Never let a problem to be solved seem more important than a person you love." [That one stung me a little. : )]

"Our mortal life was never meant to be easy."

"We become better, polished, and more beautiful with the things we overcome."

"No pain that we suffer is wasted."

"All that we endure, especially what we endure patiently builds up our character, purifies our hearts,..."

Remember, it is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)

Awake, Arise and Come Unto Christ

2008-05-24T15:12:00.000-07:00

Noteworthy Thoughts from BYU Women's Conference

Shari Dew

"Rally to the cause of Jesus Christ."

"We rarely understand how the Lord uses us."

"We are here to influence the world."

"If we would unleash the full influence of covenant-keeping women, the kingdom of God and the world would change overnight."

“The place of woman in the Church is to walk beside the man, not in front of him nor behind him. In the Church there is full equality between man and woman. The gospel, which is the only concern of the Church, was devised by the Lord for men and women alike” (Improvement Era, Mar. 1942, p. 161). "Much of the major growth... in the last days will... happen to the degree that the women of the Church reflect righteousness and articulateness in their lives and to the degree that the women of the Church are seen as distinct and different—in happy ways—from the women of the world. " ~ quoting President Spencer W. Kimball (Ensign, Nov. 1979, pp.103-104)

We should ask "Are we the women God needs us to be in the latter part of the latter days?" "Why has the Lord brought me here today?"

"Seek to have influence in as many ways as possible."- [One of her suggestions was to start a blog to share your testimony and thoughts about spiritual things. I was surprised by this. I have read an awful lot of blogs that are negative and contain all kinds of inappropriate content, comments, inuendo, and flirtation. I think we have to be just as careful to beware of the negative influence we have without even meaning to, as we are to spread our positive influence in the world.]

The time to awake, arise, and come unto Christ is NOW.

Romans 13:11-12

11 And that, knowing the time, that now it is high time to awake out of sleep: for now is our salvation nearer than when we believed.
12 The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light.

Pray about who the Lord needs us to be rather than living to impress one another.

"The Holy Ghost shows us all things what we should do."

"The power to influence comes when the Atonement changes our hearts."

Sue Egan- Cherish That Role That Is So Uniquely Yours: Parenting for Young Mothers

Galatians 5:22-23

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.

Ask, "How do my children feel when they are around me?" Ask the Lord, "What should I do to invite the Spirit?"

[One of her suggestions I liked for those of us constantly battling our way through Mount Maytag: As you fold laundry, think of a blessing that the child whose article of clothing you're folding brings to your home/family. For each article of clothing think of another one.]

"We mustn't wallow in our imperfections."

"What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else."~quoting Elder M. Russell Ballard

Nona L. Maxwell: Cherish That Role That Is So Uniquely Yours: Parenting for Young Mothers

"The essential things often take a backseat to nonessential things."

"Stop what I was doing, look at their face, listen to what they were saying. Make them feel like they are one of my priorities."

"Is what we're spending time on consistent with what we want?"

Remember children are a gift from God and our role is a sacred privilage.
Look to Christ "No career approaches in importance of that of a mother."

Jesus fed 5000; We feed our families.

He washed the disciples' feet; We wash hands and faces.

He healed the sick; We take care of the sick.

He taught the Beattitudes; We teach them too.

He gave His life; We give our lives.

He gave His time and talents; His Father's will was His priority. So should ours be also.

3. Be obedient.- Obedient mothers raise obedient children. [Hmmm....?]

"I'll be a Heavenly Mother in training."

More later....

Coming Soon to a Website Near You!

2008-05-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

Updates are on the horizon, I promise! I've got kid stories piling up like you wouldn't believe, conference highlights to share, new links for Twilight fans, a movie recommendation, and I'm behind 4 book reviews on the other site. Stay tuned!

Kidspeak

2008-04-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a while. I have been sleeping. On top of the morning sickness I have a bladder and kidney infection. I've been sleeping a lot. Also, when I have morning sickness, life becomes very UNfunny.

I'm going to Women's Conference this week so I won't be posting for a few days.

____________________________

Mr.Yuke(4): I have muscles. (flexes)
Me: Those are your bones; your ribs.
Mr.Yuke(4): BUT- I call them my biggest muscles in the entire world. ("flexes" his ribcage at me)

____________________________

ThePinkiest(5): Mommy, Antarctica is at the tippy bottom of the earth.

____________________________

Me noticing it has suddenly gotten quiet: What are you guys doing?
Silence.
Me: Mr.Yuke(4), MonsterTruck(2), Come in here.
Mr.Yuke(4): What?
Me: What were you guys doing?
Mr.Yuke(4): Ummmmm.... Just looking at this. (Holds up the arm of a Star Wars figure.)
Me dubious: That's all?
Mr.Yuke(4): Yeah.
MonsterTruck(2): We dis' hidin' our pwetzels.
Mr.Yuke(4): GROAN!!!! MonsterTruck(2), why did you do that?
Me: NO. PRETZELS.
Mr.Yuke(4): exasperated sigh.

___________________________

The next day-
Mr.Yuke(4): Daddy! Daddy! We got you birthday presents! Come in so you can open your presents of ties and chocolate!!!
TheRestofUs: Mr.Yuke(4), you're not supposed to tell what's in the presents!
Mr.Yuke(4): Oh. (Turns to dad-) I was just kidding. Open your presents and see what's in them.

Thicker Than Water

2008-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

I told you one of the reasons I hadn't posted in a while. Morning sickness. Well I didn't tell you the other, much more dreaded, reason: "Spring" Break. That's right. I said "Spring". I put those quotation marks there because I meant them. This is NOT Spring. This is a gross, second-verse-same-as-the-first repeat of winter. Only with more days of snow. Like today for example. The thick wet stuff has taken the last shreds of patience not consumed by my children and frozen it. Maybe someone will find it in like 50 billion years.

"Spring" Break was not the much anticipated end to our cabin fever, but 4 and a half days of mother nature mocking my pain. With all six kids. We had wonderful plans. We were going to go up the canyon and have a fire and roast hot dogs for lunch one day. We were going on a picnic to a really cool park another day. We were going to get donuts and go walk around ThatUniversityThatISometimesGoTo another day. It was going to be great. Instead, we stayed home. Inside. And tried to stay warm. How do you stay warm during a snowy spring break, you ask? Watch movies, of course.

We watched a lot of movies. I didn't even hold my kids to the normal rules about television usage. Normally, we have a very efficient system where the kids have to budget their media time. This is how it works: At the beginning of the week, usually during Family Home Evening, we give each of the kids 6 blue tickets with the date written on them. Each of these tickets represents 20 minutes of t.v./wii/computer/internet time. They may use them when their chores and homework are finished and can use them all at once or spread them out over the week. If more than one kid is watching a movie, the one who chooses the movie pays the tickets. At the end of the week the tickets expire. They can't be used the next week. That means if they didn't do their chores/homework, they might not get any t.v. time that week. They also have the opportunity to be awarded white tickets at any time. White tickets are given for any good/kind behavior that Husband or I observe. The kindness has to be done for the sake of being kind, not trying to "earn" a ticket. These tickets never expire. That means they can stockpile them and have a 6 hour wii fest if they want to. The white tickets have the kids names on them and we put all the spent white tickets into a jar. When the jar gets filled up we are going to do something really special as a family (trip, amusement park, etc.) and whichever child has the most tickets in the jar will also receive a treat (dinner and a movie, tea party, horseback riding, etc.) It all sounds very complicated but it's really quite simple. What it boils down to is that my kids don't spend a whole lot of their time on brain-rotting, and occasionally they feel slightly more inclined to do their chores and homework.

This is not our only system. We also have allowances and Saturday Fun. Allowances are simple: they are paid on a daily basis for completing their chores. Each day they get everything done, they get paid. Saturday Fun is an incentive program. Every Saturday, everybody who got all their work/homework done by dinnertime every day of that week gets to go to a super activity: Saturday Fun. This can be anything from a picnic/slumber party in the living room floor to Disney on Ice to Monster Trucks. It sort of depends on the budget. The vague idea behind it is "the family that works together plays together". All the family members who did their part in the overall work get to play. We have had some really good times, especially on those weeks when everybody gets Saturday fun. The thing I like about these two systems is that if you have a day when you don't do what you're supposed to and you have to miss Saturday Fun, you still get paid for all those other days.

So anyway, during "Spring" Break, I didn't require the kids to pay tickets for their t.v. usage.
After their normal after-school chores there was not much else to do for the rest of the day and I was feeling too sick to try to mediate art supplies or cookie ingredients for that many people. We watched A LOT of movies. Over and over. And over. One of the movies we watched several times is Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It's about Maggie Peyton, a girl who has just graduated from college and is on the verge of starting a new life outside of the stockcar racing world, much to the happiness of her father. Her family is a racing dynasty and more than anything, Maggie wants to be the next great Peyton. "Racing is in [her] blood." I think watching "Kirby" (as MonsterTruck(2) calls it) sleeping, and riding my kids to get their chores done were the only things I did the entire week. Oh, and a book report for MyOwnPersonalDharma (see my very brief review here).

Well, as it turned out, ThePinkiest(5) did not get her chores done. At all. The entire week. Because she didn't want to. And because kids- like wolves- can smell weakness and know when their mother is not going to fight too hard or too long. (My first trimester is always a disaster.) I'm pretty sure ThePinkiest(5) was sneaking in to watch "Kirby" every single time I dozed off. Well, the kids know exactly what to expect when Saturday rolls around if their chores aren't done and because of this, ThePinkiest(5) knew she had less chance of Saturday Fun that week than we had of a warm, sunny afternoon.

Husband was getting the kids together who were leaving to go have dinner and ice cream sundaes at a restaurant when it started. The drama. Screaming/Whining/Crying/Begging, "Daddy, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase let me have Saturday Fun! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase!!!!!!"

Husband: I'm sorry, but you didn't get your chores done. That was a decision you made. Maybe next time.
ThePinkiest(5): But Daddy!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaase! I NEED Saturday Fun.
Husband: No, sorry. Come on guys, let's get ready to go.
ThePinkiest(5) throwing herself at his feet: Yes I do!!! I NEEEEED IT!
Husband removing his feet from under her: Not this time.
Me: No one NEEEEEDS Saturday Fun.
ThePinkiest(5): I. Need. to have. Saturday. Fun. "It's in my blood."
Me: Is she quoting "Herbie"?
Husband snickers: Yeah.
ThePinkiest(5) as Husband and some kids go out the door: Saturday. Fun. is in. my. blood.!!!

My Conspiracy Theory: Credit Cards and Going Orange

2008-04-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, it's not my usual type of post, but I'm going to say it.

The economy is in a nose-dive the likes of which has not been seen in decades. The cost of a barrel of oil from our infidel-hating neighbors has gone up roughly 7o cents in a year. Our economic "independence" is all but non-existent. The rising generation has no concept of work, saving, or waiting for anything. The cause of ALL these problems? Credit cards.

Yes. Credit cards. Let me explain.

How is the price of anything determined?
Supply and demand. When the demand increases, the price increases.

Why has the price of oil increased? Demand has increased.

How? I thought Americans were driving less because we're getting raped at the gas pumps?
We have a competitive buyer for the oil of the middle east.

Who? China.

China? Why China?
China has become increasingly industrialized over the last 50 years. They are building new factories every day. My cousin owns a couple.

How does China sustain all this new production?
We buy what they make. Do you know what you need to run factory machinery and to ship products that are made in China? Oil. We have, through a lack of self-sufficiency, created our own competition for middle eastern oil.

What do you mean?
I mean that those factories in China are making products that are bought by us. How do Americans pay for things? Most often, on credit. We are not self-sufficient. We rely on lenders to provide us with our wants and needs. America is either using imaginary money that it has no intention of ever actually paying back (we just transfer balances don't we?), to buy products we can't really afford, or is shopping at Walmart and Target.

What's the problem with shopping at Walmart and Target?
They get most of their products from China. That is why they are so cheap. I'm not saying I don't shop there. I do. I could scarcely afford to go anywhere else with a family this size. But, when we shop at Walmart and Target, do you know what is happening? We are killing the competition. The higher-priced American-based businesses are closing. The non-chains are dying out. We are cementing our dependance on China's production for us. We are driving up our own oil prices.

What happens when our debts get called in?
There is too much imaginary money "circulating" in our economy. When the debts get called in, the great depression is going to look like a short little recession. Due to outsourced production, America will be in the same bondage to the countries which manufacture our goods as its citizens are currently in to financial lenders. Presently, credit card companies routinely up their interest rates to around 30% or more when the customer begins to pay down a balance or stops making new purchases on the card.

What can be done?
Buy American. Shop at smaller/independent stores when you can. We SHOULD NOT outsource all of our production to other countries just because it's a little cheaper. That's called "putting all your eggs in one basket." Stop putting animals before people. All you Gaia hypothesis-tree hugging-animals are people too-folks need to realize that although plants and animals are special, we HUMANS have as much right to this planet as they do. We should not be stopped from drilling for oil in Alaska because there are carribou there. We HAVE our own oil. We do not NEED to pay what our infidel-hating neighbors are charging for it.

But what about global warming?
Yes. What about global warming? I'm all for responsible stewardship of the earth God has given us. I agree that we should not wantonly waste anything. I do not agree that fossil fuels and the use of electricity are making the earth hot. Ever play Sardines at night? When is it warmer in the hiding place? When you're the only one in there, or when 40 people have packed in with you? I say body heat is just as good an explanation for rising temperatures as "global warming". Think that sounds stupid?

The University of Arkansas's Assistant Director of the Center for Microelectronics & Photonics joins his voice with 400 other prominent scientists, disputing the myth that is global warming. Read it (and his links).
http://depriest-mpu.blogspot.com/2008/04/iwo-jima-global-warming.html

What about the rising generation?
The rising generation has been raised in an era when everything they've seen purchased has been bought on credit. Even those of us who have the money, use credit for major purchases because we need it to help our credit score. The young people of this country have no concept of saving money for a future purchase. They feel a strong sense of entitlement to whatever they want as soon as they want it. WE taught them this and it is NOT good character development. Money problems (which often arise from the errant use of credit and overexpenditure) are a leading cause of divorce. Divorce leads to lack of quality parent-child interaction as well as lack of supervision by parents when children come home from school. This is "related to adolescent drug use. Moreover, a lack of supervision and guidance can lead youth to seek acceptance from their peers, often plunging them headlong into delinquent behavior. “Increasing numbers of lower- and middle-income children are growing up with little or no adult supervision… Without hope for the future and a stake in society, they often turn to peers for attention and guidance; to easily obtainable guns for protection, security, and status; and to sex and drugs for comfort, relief of boredom, and sometimes for subsistence” (Stephens 1998:197). " Credit cards are one of the reasons our kids are killing each other. There are many factors for this, including video games and violent television/movies (which are often purchased on credit....) but I believe that credit cards definitely play a role.

We are an impatient, entitled, consumer-driven nation with little but a failing economy and an ever-increasing dependence on countries that hate us, to show for it. Use of imaginary "money" is weakening our country and is taking away our soveignty little by little. There is only bondage ahead unless we change things, become more self-sufficient, and only buy the things we can trully pay for.

Fortune Smiles On Me Today

2008-04-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

Bubba(7): Mom, do you want to know a secret?
Me: Um, sure.
Bubba(7): [LittleMommy(9)] has 9 pots of gold.
Me: She does?
Bubba(7): Mm-hmm.
Me: Did she tell you that?
Bubba(7): She caught a leprachaun. An Arbor Day leprachaun.
Me: Do you mean a St. Patrick's Day leprachaun?
Bubba(7): No. There's Arbor Day ones too.

Pot O' Gold by "No Matter" Project

Papagaio

2008-04-21T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have a bad habit. Ok, fine. I have more than one. But there is one that is particularly problematic. I say a few bad words. Not any of the ones that get a movie an R-rating, mind you; more the type that are on evening television. Nonetheless, they are bad. I think it is wrong to say them. They never sound bad coming out of my own mouth. It's always when they make a debut appearance on the tongue of one of my children that I cringe and kick myself for ever having uttered that word. Case in point: SUCKS. This word is everywhere. I use it frequently. It barely crosses my mind that it is inappropriate. That is, it didn't, until Bubba(7) also started using it frequently. Only then did I realize how ugly that particular word sounds to the listener. I have tried suggesting to him that it may not be the nicest word to use but well, the boy has heard it a few too many times for that to make a difference. As sad as Bubba's(7) use of the word "suck" is to me though, it is LittleMommy's(9) language that has always been a source of embarrassment to me.

The first time was in Nursery. (Nursery at our church is the class for 18month-3 year-olds. They sing songs, have a short lesson and a snack, play toys, color, and blow bubbles. Oh, and cry. Usually.) So there is LittleMommy(20m) in Nursery and the leaders start singing the clean-up song. LittleMommy(20m) turns to the other toddlers in the room and says, "We need to cwean up dis cwap." Fortunately, the Nursery leaders thought it was funny and didn't shame me for it- too much. I wanted to die. I went home and prayed that day that the other kids didn't learn a new word to take home and demonstrate for their parents.

The next time I remember was at Sunday dinner with the in-laws. Sunday dinner at the in-laws' house is a proper, formal affair, complete with china, crystal, cloth napkins, and napkin rings. LittleMommy(3) came to the table, climbed up on her knees in her chair and peered into the serving bowl in front of her. Motherinlaw had made Stroganoff as she had many times- (one of the best things she makes. Mmmmm)- and the bowl in front of LittleMommy(3) was filled with noodles. After looking at them for a moment while everyone else seated themselves, LittleMommy(3) asked, "What the hell are these noodles?". Motherinlaw registered a look of something like horror. Fatherinlaw nearly had an aneurism stifling his laughter into his napkin. Husband and I both tried to keep straight faces while Motherinlaw chided LittleMommy(3). I thought I would die.

A couple of weeks later at yet another Sunday dinner, partway through the meal, LittleMommy(3), using her best manners, said sweetly, "Pass the damn beans." That time Husband and I were both stifling laughter while simultaneously getting the stinkeye from Motherinlaw. Fatherinlaw was unusually quiet. I think he got in trouble the time before. Moneybags jumped in and told LittleMommy(3) not to talk that way. I think I did die.

And so it went. Every few years at inopportune times LittleMommy would insert new and colorful vocabulary into her dialogue, always to my shame and horror. Then last week, her Primary teacher (Sunday School for kids) posted this story on her blog:

"This past Sunday we were teaching our 9 & 10 year old primary class all about Abinidi and evil King Noah. [A story from the Book of Mormon. Don't be hatin', just keep reading.~Aberjaber] Brett was giving some background info on King Noah's dad, King Zeniff. He told them that King Zeniff had been a good King but that his son did not follow in his foot steps. The kids wanted to know why King Zeniff had allowed Noah to be the next king since he was so evil. One of our sweet primary kids offered this suggestion.
"He was probably a kiss ass to his dad." "

Now, I happen to know that this particular term has been a favorite around this household for a month or two, thanks to "Night at the Museum". (No, they don't learn all the bad words from me, thank you very much.) In spite of my t.v. woes, and the fact that my kids aren't even allowed to watch PG-13 movies until they are 13, they still manage to pick up the choice phrases in our video collection. I confronted PrimaryTeacherFriend and she would not admit whether it was LittleMommy(9) or not. I'm afraid though, with her colorful history, there can be little doubt. : )

I am working on breaking this bad habit. Hopefully I'll have kicked it by the time Kryptonite(1) goes to Nursery. It's the advantage of having big families. Eventually, you're bound to stop messing the kids up. I hope. : )

P.S.- Sorry it's been so long since I've posted. I bet you're SICK of checking back here and finding nothing. I've been SICK too. Morning sick, that is. Wish me luck this time around.

No Longer In Progress

2008-04-14T16:21:00.000-07:00

I finished my painting! Actually, I did about a month and a half ago, but I keep forgetting to post the new pictures. The cell phone photos really don't do it justice but here is

"Amiable Companionship"

Detail: Sun on the grass

Detail: Lumen

Just So There's No Confusion

2008-04-11T21:34:00.000-07:00

I stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend who....
But honestly, I couldn't have put it any better myself. And I apologize if any/all of these photos are copyrighted. I got them at http://enjoyingthejourneytogether.blogspot.com/.

I have wondered how many people are confusing my church with the FLDS church plastered all over the news because of the raid in Texas.

Some Mormon women sing...

Some Mormon women dance...

Some Mormon women write scary stories...

Some Mormon women have a lot of money and really great hair...

I know hundreds of Mormon women. They do all kinds of different things and live all different kinds of lives.

This woman served as a leader in the Mormon church. She recently spoke to teenage girls worldwide. She encouraged them to stand up to peer pressure, strengthen their families and serve others. (Click here for more.)

None of the Mormon women I know look like this...

None of them are marrying off their teenage daughters and-- although some may joke about wanting a sister-wife (preferably one who is really fat & ugly, does bathrooms and changes diapers)--none of them really want to share their husband with anyone.Furthermore...

Some Mormon guys can throw a ball...

Some Mormon guys can make scary movies...

Some Mormon guys have a lot of money and really great hair...

I know hundreds of Mormon guys. They do all kinds of different things and live all kinds of different lives.

This is one of the leaders of the Mormon church. Last Sunday he spoke about honoring women, especially mothers, and gave advice to husbands and children about how to treat the women in their lives. (For the whole story, click here.)

None of the Mormon guys I know look like this...

The Mormon men I know are honest and hard-working. They don't cheat, smoke, drink or gamble. And TRUST ME....the last thing any of them want is another wife.

Max Gets Abused

2008-04-11T15:51:00.000-07:00

Last night it snowed (yet again) in This Place That I Live. In the midst of the snowstorm which had winds gusting at least 40mph (and I'd say it was more like double that from the sound of it), SOMEONE(S) came to my house and abused Max.

There were several LOUD CRASHES, but I first attributed these to the wind and then to the teenagers who frequently assail my kids' playground equipment in the night-time. I was wrong.

Y'all are lucky Husband was so absorbed in taxes. Any other night of the year you probably woulda turned around and had a gun in yo' face. Not that we can't take a joke. I'm just sayin' is all.

The question is- were the perpetrators the Notorious SMM (Soccer Mom Mafia)? Or just some pathetic wannabees? If you haven't gone through the rigorous initiation, don't be doin' our moves. (And if the SMM did this, why wasn't I invited? You think I'm above saran wrapping my own car?) : )

MonsterTruck(2): A Ba'Guy Tied "or" car up. Why a Ba'Guy tie up "or" car? It's dis' a ba'guy. Or Daddy. Jis' a Ba'Guy or Daddy. Iss dis' a Ba'Guy or Daddy. (then decisively:) Or Daddy.

Husband- Why are you tying up Max?

Modern Art

2008-04-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

Ode on a Monster Truck

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter"

Crash of the Monster Truck- The boy goes full-speed without ever stopping to rest until his body can't handle it anymore and then the MonsterTruck(2) crashes. Wherever he happens to be at the time. Like in front of the refrigerator.

"Ah, happy, happy boughs!"

Yes, MonsterTruck(2) is happy. For this is one of his recent art projects. I call it- The Boon of Easter-Sunday Parental Napping: A Study In Chocolate

"Who are these coming to the sacrifice?"

That would be me. This is another recent art project. I call it-

Fingerpaint: A Study In You-Don't-Want-to-Know

"O Attic shape! Fair attitude!"

What can I say? The boy is just special. : )

MonsterTruck(2) wearing nothin' but Bubba's(7) skate helmet while he sits at his computer munching some snacks.

Hey, I just discovered this is my 100th post! I think in honor of that occasion, the first person to leave a comment is going to win a prize. : )

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2008-04-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

First off-

a.k.a. Deaf Girl
Sorry, ArtisticallySpecificTastes. The video clip is of an amazing rendition of the National Anthem, hence all of the basketball players in the background. They sound like professional singers in their 30's and they're singing a lot of really tight harmonies. It sounds similar to that Christmas cd your sister MoneyBags likes so much. You know, the one with the family of girls singing, some of whom she knows? Only, these harmonies are more complicated and jazzish than that. Oh, and please tell your deaf friends not to send me those emails. Thank you.

Second-

I Forgot My Shirt
No, I'm not sitting here typing in the buff. I forgot my shirt last week. Let me back up.

Phone ringing yesterday.
Me: Hello?
Caller: Hi [Aberjaber], it's Angie.
Me yay! but weird, she's never called me before: Hi! How are you?
Angie: I'm fine. I'm calling because I was wondering if you know- Is the bus going to pick up the kids for the field trip tomorrow, and do you know what time?
Me Huh? Field trip? I didn't know she had a kindergartener. I thought her sons were either older or younger than that. Field trip! Crap! I forgot! I guess maybe the Two Dollars fiasco before had its advantages: Ummmmm. Field trip. Right. That's tomorrow. Yyyyyeah. Welllll, I don't know if the bus is coming or at what time if it is, but I'm actually going on that field trip. (Crap, I have to get a babysitter!) (Thank you Valenzoo!) If you want I could just take him with me when I go.
Angie: Are you sure you don't mind?
Me hey I could get my shirt back at the same time: No, it's fine. Also, I accidentally left my shirt in your car last week.
Angie: Your shirt?
Me: Yeah, the black commando one (I took with me when we were behaving like juvenille delinquents) that I never changed into...(?) I left it in the back of your car, I think...(?)
Angie: ???? My car?
Me understanding dawning: Wait, which Angie is this?
Angie: This is Angie _____.
Me: OHHHHH!!!! Yeah. Different Angie. Different car. You sounded like Angie _____. Um, I can still take your daughter to school if you want.
Angie: Ok. I was going to say, I don't think you've ever even seen my car.
Me: No, you're right. Sorry about that.

Ange- when you read this, I left my shirt in your car. Thank you.

There's Just Something About Field Trips

A few years back, LittleMommy's(4) preschool class attended a field trip at the fire station. I had attended the same field trip the previous year and knew I would be attending it again the following 2 years. Yep. The Bunch didn't overachieve when it came to spacing 'em out. So anyway, when I discovered that Husband was going to have the day of the field trip off from work, I asked if he would pretty please take the kids so I could have a little break. He agreed and so I set off on my little break. ArtisticallySpecificTastes and I were going to Target to spend my birthday giftcard and ooo and ahh over the jewellry. I love earrings. I think I'll say that again. I. LOVE. EARRINGS.

So I went and picked up my favorite AZ shopping partner. I hung out and ate her mom's Lucky Charms for a long time while she got ready to go. Just after we got into the store, a storm began as they only do in Arizona, and we discussed how lucky I was to NOT be on the field trip. I said it was a good thing the field trip was almost over. After about half an hour of "perusing the merchandise" (read it with a Brooklyn accent- threw that in there for you, Kretha)- there was a roll of thunder so loud that ArtisicallySpecificTastes asked me what it was. (Did I mention she is DEAF? Well she is. Completely, all the way, she-don't-hear-no-thunder-deaf.) I told her what it was and her eyes got really big. One of us- and I can't rightly say who it was now, but I think it was me- remarked, "I hope the lightning didn't hit anyone's house." (At certain times of the year, lightning is a pretty common starter of house fires in Arizona. I think it comes from the fact that they plant these stupid trees:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/84077434@N00/378102058/

All the photos I found of them were copyrighted so I couldn't embed them. If you were too lazy/in a hurry (and what mom isn't?) to click on the link, I'll sum it up in two words: lightning rod.)

So anyway, I felt bad for the inevitable catastrophe that some poor family was experiencing. We left the store about half an hour later and I went home. Imagine my dismay when I discovered that, sure enough. One of them dern trees was struck by lightning and started a fire. In my carport. And apparently the firetrucks had just left. The tree was burned and the roof on that side of the house was a little charred, but when all was said and done, the neighbors and Husband had all acted quickly, hosing down the house to keep it from igniting and everything was ok. (ish.) The firemen put out the fire, my carport was flooded with mystery foam which had come from their hoses, and my kids were shaken up, but thought it was cool to see the firefighters in action so up-close-and-personal just ten minutes after their trip to the fire station. After a little while, Husband proceeded to tell me how, when the children were permitted to walk through the firetruck, LittleBoyBlau(4) took off the emergency break and put that puppy into gear. The firetruck started rolling. In a crowd of twenty 4 year-olds and their parents and younger siblings. Husband acted fast and scooped up two kids who were inches away from getting squished under the big red truck. So many brushes with death, all before 11 am!

Today, The Pinkiest(5)'s kindergarten class had a field trip to both the grocery store AND the fire station. Apparently the school in This Place That I Live takes a one-stop shopping approach to field tripping. There were about 100 kids and roughly 1 adult for every 4 kids. There was also a teacher on each bus, and two buses went. (4 classes went on the field trip. We have half day K here.) One bus went to the fire station first, the other went to the store.

We went to the store first. We got there, the store took a group photo of all the kids to print out and give them at the end of their tour, and then they divided us into three groups. Each group was given a tour guide and sent to a different area of the store.

Now, before I go on, I would like to say I am well aware of what normally happens on these sorts of trips. MyOwnMother taught kindergarten and did this trip every year for almost ten years. Also, I worked in 2 different grocery stores for a period of three years. I've got the 411 on kindertrips to the grocery store. Normally, they show the kids the loading docks, the area where the produce is washed and banded before it is put out, the trash compacter, the area where the meat is processed, the fryers for the deli counter, and the area in the bakery where the ovens and proofers are. They give the kids a cookie, answer questions, and send you on your way.

Let me tell you how our tour went.

Our group was sent to the Pharmacy first. There, a store manager told the kids how they should NEVER take medicine that they find. Or take more than one vitamin. Or take their siblings' antibiotics. (All good info, but not quite sure why we had to come to the store to learn that.) Next, she walked us over to the section with all the cosmetics and showed the kids the c.c.t.v. cameras in the ceiling, and admonished the kids NOT TO STEAL MAKEUP AND STUFF THAT COSTS MORE THAN FOOD (Things less than food are fine?! Food is ok?!) because there are cameras all over the place in every store you ever go into and they will see you if you steal. See them? There they are? You can look at Walmart or Sears or anyplace you go and find the cameras that ARE WATCHING YOU. (I thought about how although I know those cameras are there, I still occasionally pick a wedgie if it's really bothering me and I'm in an aisle alone. I've got to stop doing that. THEY. ARE. WATCHING. YOU.) The lady was super cute and perky and good at talking to the kids. BUT- after her anti-suicide/theft speeches, she "turned [us] over to Carolyn" for the rest of the tour.

Carolyn was TheSurlyTourGuideWhoHatesChildren. She was mean to the kids and reminded me of the teacher on Pete's Dragon. Seriously. And when the little 5 year-olds didn't make 2 perfect lines in front of her, she clapped her hands real loud and looked at them like they were tomorrow's muggers and rapists. She took them into the refrigerator and the freezer and snapped at the kids, then explained to the adults which products were on sale. She took us to the seafood section. There BrianTheSeafoodGuy told us about how there are farms where they grow sea creatures so as not to deplete the ocean's resources and if we go home and search on the internet for "Aquaculture" we can learn all about it. (This was the interesting part of the tour. I thought I should tell you, since I doubted you'd figure it out on your own.) Then TheSurlyTourGuideWhoHatesChildren regaled the kids with the tale of how she had never had KingCrab before in her life until last year when she went up to Alaska on a fishing boat and they caught crabs (don't go there) and prepared them and ate them and EVERYTHING...! Then she got even grumpier because the expected reaction of awe and wonder was instead blank stares that said, "Whats a Laska?" and "My Uncle has a boat." and "I need to go potty." She stomped over to the bakery section where the baker guy was going to demonstrate to the kids how they decorate the cakes. He opened a mylar package, pulled out a pre-printed, thick, leathery-looking, sugar thing and plopped it on the cake. Then he did a real fancy job of putting a seashell border around two cakes in two minutes flat. And that is why I don't buy cakes at Said Grocery Store. They always appear to have been completed in two minutes. And that is not a good thing. (And how come you have to order your cake a week in advance? He did TWO cakes in two minutes. What are they doing for the other 604,798 minutes of that week? Just wondering.) BakerJose was actually very nice to the kids and talked to them on their level, but his demonstration was ruined somewhat by the constant peppering of comments from TheSurlyTourGuideWhoHatesChildren. Things such as, "DON'T TOUCH!" "STOP TOUCHING!" "BACK UP!" "YOU KIDS NEED TO BACK. UP.!" and my personal favorite, "YOU MAY NOT COUGH ON THE CAKE!!!!" After the cake decorating, came the highlight of the trip. TheSurlyTourGuideWhoHatesChildren took us to the produce section. And this is what she said:

SurlyTourGuide: These are fruits and vegetables. You need FIVE servings of fruit and vegetables each day. Right? Now. There are two kinds of food. Living food and DEAD food. DEAD food has been cooked. Living food has not. Living fruits and vegetables are good for you. I'll tell you- if you eat DEAD food all the time, you ARE GOING TO GET CANCER. If you eat LIVING food, you'll NEVER get cancer.

Kids: !!!! : O

Parents: !!!! : O

SurlyTourGuide: Green vegetables have chlorophyll. That means it's good for you, if you don't turn it into a DEAD food. This is cabbage. These are strawberries. You need yellow vegetables for your eyes. What color is this cantaloupe?

FiveKidsWhoAreStillSortOfListening: OR-ANGE!!!

SurlyTourGuide: Uh, right. So you need yellow vegetables for your eyes. And orange ones. (Walks over to the carrots, picks one up, breaks it in half.) You can always tell which part of your body something is good-for by what it looks like. See the end of that carrot? It looks like your eye.

Kids and Me: ? : o

SurlyTourGuide: See? Right here?

Kids squinting: ???

Me: I wonder which part of your body potatoes look like?

SurlyTourGuide: You want candy, eat peas. That's God's candy right there.

Me: Please let this end soon.

SurlyTourGuide: This is a red pepper. This is an orange pepper. Isn't that beautiful? This is a jalepeno pepper. It cleans your blood.

Kids: : O

SurlyTourGuide: Yup. Them Mexicans use this and cilantro. Cilantro has wonderful, wonderful properties. That's how they stay healthy.

Me: I wonder if she thinks no one in Mexico has cancer?

SurlyTourGuide: This is broccoli. What does broccoli have?

Kids afraid to answer her at this point: Leaves? Little bally thingies? Rubberbands?

SurlyTourGuide: Chlorophyll.! I TOLD YOU. disgusted sigh of exasperation See this orange? Is it cooked?

Kids meekly: Noooo.

SurlyTourGuide: That's right. It's not DEAD food. It's Living food. AND THAT MEANS it's good for you. You remember that.

As we left the store for the fire station, I wondered how many 5/6 year-olds were going to refuse to eat their vegies at dinner tonight. Certainly more than last night. Then I wondered what sort of craziness was going to take place during our fire station experience.

At the fire station we learned to STOP. DROP. AND ROLL. Then, Alex (a kid in ThePinkiest's (5) class), gave a ten minute dissertation on how to check your bedroom door to see if it's hot and then throw a fire ladder out your window and climb down- complete with miming. The fire safety instructor ended with how "houses in [this city we live in] almost never catch on fire because they are built so safely these days." On our way from the fire safety room to see the fire engine, they firemen got called out to a house fire. So much for "almost never catching fire". Luckily, they had double-scheduled firefighters today just in case this happened. I'm thinkin' maybe house fires aren't quite as unusual as he was letting on.

I watched the kids go through the cab of the firetruck, keeping an eye on them to see that nobody put it into gear. After we saw everything in the truck and got the explanation of why firefighters carry Costco-size buckets of kitty litter, we went to Corbin, the EMT. Fire Fighter Corbin showed the kids all the stuff in the ambulance and even took the pulse-ox. of every single kid there. By then we were freezing because, it is NOT balmy out today. And fire station garages make great wind tunnels.

When we finally got home (with Angie ____'s daughter, not Angie ____'s son), I got to see that the call they got for the house fire was NOT for my house. What a relief! I guess the trip to the fire station was uneventful this time. Thank goodness.

I don't know what else to say, other than I'm ready to swear off field trips forever.

Patience My Sweet

2008-04-02T19:56:00.000-07:00

After waiting what he deems an interminably amount of time to go with Husband to the store for a treat as a reward for doing a particularly nasty job in the backyard-

Mr. Yuke(4): Come. on. Dad.
Husband: I need you to just give me a little bit of patience.
Mr. Yuke(4): I already gave you all the payshens I have.
Husband: No, I need you not to stretch MY patience.
Mr. Yuke (4): Well I only stretched it a little.

Then as they're heading out the door-

Husband: Come on. I'm going to get you a girlfriend.
Mr. Yuke(4) thinking this over: Hmm. a GIRLfriend? Will she have GIRLscout cookies?

Makes Me Cry Every Time

2008-04-02T16:22:00.000-07:00

There are few songs that can elicit tears from me every time I hear them, but this is definitely one of them. I am sad they didn't include the other two verses for once, but hey- what can you do?

Adventures In Blogging, (cont.)

2008-04-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

So remember before, when I told you about the guy who googled comic loogies and ended up here at A Bunch Without Alice? Well, that's nothing. Someone today googled (and I still can't believe this even as I'm typing it-):

"Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in '08 including me if you care. "

and got to my site. (There were pages and pages of results by the way.) I don't know whether to laugh or to just feel bad that once the person got to the Guess What? post they were made fun of.

Sorry, you strange Googlers!

GOOD News!!!

2008-04-01T15:06:00.001-07:00

Guess what?
You're "IT". No, just kiddin'. For reals- guess what? Flour Girls & Dough Boys artisan bakery and cafe (my favoritest place in Utah-) sent out an email today to let subscribers know that they have newly extended hours. They are now open

Monday-Saturday until 8:00 p.m.!!!

Go there. You can thank me later. Or just bring me a "rustic country loaf" of bread. Mmmmm....

Guess What?

2008-04-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

You're it!

If you are unfamiliar with this game it is because you are lucky enough not to have gone to Disneyland with my Brother and Slugger Jr. and a bunch of other family members year before last. While we were there, Brother and Cute Sister took one of my bunch to and from the parks in their car each day, (because everyone knows that the only thing better than Disneyland is NOT riding there with your mom). Well apparently on these drives, Brother taught them all a little game I like to call "Next-Time-I-See-Him-I'm-Going-To-Hurt-Him". (My kids call it "Guess What?".)

Essentially it goes like this:

The Pinkiest(5): Hey Mommy!

Me: What?

The Pinkiest(5): You're-It!!!

Saying the word "what" has been all but banned from our household for the last year and a half because no one wants to be the dreaded "IT". My main problem with this game is that once Husband or I am "It", we are bombarded with little wannabe "Its" ALL trying to make us be "It" again, because we have stopped the game. Yesterday The Pinkiest(5) declared Husband "Quintuple IT!!!!". (Does explaining the vocabulary words like "quadruple" and "quintuple" qualify this as an educational game? Because if so, I should be on the payroll for the Board of Education in This Place That I Live. I'm pretty sure it's more than Bubba's(7) teacher is doing. Good thing he is really smart.) Anyway, there are many irritating things about this game, but the hands-down worst part is that everyone- even Monster Truck(2)- participates in this NottheBradys pasttime. And it. is. annoying.

In spite of my daily attempts to forget the whole thing exists, I thought of it ("IT!") today because- you guessed it.
I'm "IT!"
I've been tagged by This Guy. You should go to his blog at least this once. I normally don't care for cutesy animal pictures, but his pets will make you laugh out loud. Just scroll down to the cute doggies.

So back to annoying games of tag. I'm "IT". I don't know why anyone bothers to fill these things out in the first place. Does anyone actually read them? All right, I admit it. I skim them. But only if I REALLY like the person. In general though, if I see a meme posted I just move on to the next blog in my bookmarks. Why do people pass them on? I will tell you why. Because they, like some of my family members, don't have an inherent spam filter in their brains. I know that brain-inherent-spam-filter-deficiency is a problem because I know someone who forwards sappy-Christian-chain-emails. You know the emails I am talking about. Well actually, I hope you don't. Let me describe. They are the emails which curse you to remain outside the pearly gates and be selfish and not care about kids with leukemia and hate animals and small children and the person who so obviously loves you that they sent it to you if you don't immediately forward it to 15 people. Also, you should forward it back to the person who sent it to you as if they didn't actually read it before forwarding it to you. (This is entirely possible, come to think of it, because I think if they DID read it they would've done the same thing as the rest of us and deleted it when they saw the title:
"Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in '08 including me if you care. Try to collect 12, it's not easy!"
(I swear to you I did not make that up.) I receive these type of emails so often that at times in the past I have actually had to enter my own family members into my SPAMblocker. True story. And there you have it.

Well, I will fill this out. I am going to do my part for the earth (thus filling my go-green quota for the year) by NOT tagging anyone else. But I will fill it out- if only because I feel honored to have been tagged. And I think I have just stumbled onto the answer to my own question. People fill these out because IT IS AN HONOR.
Hee hee.

Without Further Ado-

4 Things

4 Jobs I've Had
1. Poop Patrol... I worked as a CNA in a nursing home for a couple of years. Funny how some people find their callings early in life. Excuse me while I go change [another] diaper.
2. Begging For Money... I worked as a fund-raiser for That College I Sometimes Go To, calling Alumni and continuously asking for donations until they finally caved and pledged something.
3. Grocery Store Checker
4. Executive Assistant/Customer Service Training Course Developer... because of my excellent people skills.

4 Movies I Watch Over and Over
1. Tommy Boy... "We're family! We're going to be doing lots of dumb stuff together."
2. Multiplicity... "Hi Thsteve! Come on up! I'm thspittin' on bugs."
3. Fools Rush In... Don't ask me why. I don't have a good answer. Mostly because I don't have to "watch" it to watch it. I get a lot done with that one on.
4. Elf... "And now I'm here...singing a song...to my dad...but you didn't know that I was born...but I'm here now...and I love youIloveyouILOVEYOOOUUUUU!"
"Call security."

4 Places I Have Lived
1. This Place That I Live In
2. That Place With That College I Sometimes Go To
3. Arizona (It's the armpit of the country. Really. Smell IT.)
4. Oregon (Do you hear the Heavenly Choir singing?)

4 TV Shows I Watch
1. I don't have T.V. cuz I live in what Technogeeks refer to as a "shadow". That means it is a sucky vortex of all signals of any kind except for one-spanish channel-kind-of-fuzzy-and-that's-only-if-you-have-bunny-ears. Not even AM radio makes it here. I do watch The Office on DVD with Brother whenever I go home. Good times.

4 Places I Have Been
1. Hawaii. LOVE.IT.
2. British Columbia, Canada... toured there. It's beautiful. I liked the ferry rides. Buchardt Gardens is awesome, all tacky billboards to the contrary.
3. Tombstone, Arizona... If you like the movie, don't go there.
Mr. Yuke(4) just said: Guess what mom?
Me (like an idiot that hasn't just been sitting here blogging about this): What?
Mr Yuke(4): You're IT!!! Miss Preschool Teacher said it's April Fools and we have to go home and play a joke on our moms and dads and that's a good joke. Smug smile of satisfaction.
4. Stuck in an elevator in the Tacoma Sheraton for 3 hours after it had dropped about 50 floors

4 People Who Email Me Regularly
1. My Own Personal Dharma... okay, well maybe not regularly. But really, I'm more of a phone person.
2. Blogger [New Comment on...]
3. Previously Mentioned Family Member
4. Father-in-law

4 Favorite Things to Eat
1. Anything with lots of cheese and garlic. Olive Garden is very good for this.
2. Bruschetta from La Vigna- SO.GOOD. Get some.
3. Stir-fry anything that won't kill me
4. Soft, chewy cookies

4 Places I'd Rather Be
1. Getting a massage at a spa
2. Accepting my winnings from a drawing for a million dollars
3. That College I Sometimes Go To
4. The Bookstore

4 Things I Look Forward to This Year
1. Camping. Actually, WARM WEATHER. THAT STAYS. Then Camping.
2. Husband's family reunion. I always enjoy that. He has roughly 63thousand cousins, all of whose company I enjoy immensely.
3. Losing the baby-baby-baby-baby weight before getting pregnant again. (Hey, I can dream, can't I?)
4. Teaching Steve how to count to four.

4 People to Tag
1. Not
2. Gonna
3. Do
4. It

If you actually read the entire thing, consider yourself tagged by default. Just leave 'em in the comments or else put a link to your own post there.

Hail The Conquering Hero

2008-03-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

Yep. Husband was out of town ALL LAST WEEK. And I survived. You can hail me now. Ha ha. I obviously didn't have time to get on the ol' blog seein' as how the rugrats were runnin' me ragged. I held Family Home Evening, got the house clean (mostly), hosted my book group, and dished out the consequences when they became necessary. But I did not have time to turn on the computer. Here are some of the things I would have blogged about:

A Walk To Remember
Kryptonite(11mo) decided to become a full-fledged person this week. She has not been interested in holding hands and walking, cruising around the furniture, or anything like that. Then Wednesday she was sitting in the kitchen on the floor looking around when she got a look on her face. She stood up without holding onto anything and just walked away. She crossed the entire room (about 10 feet) before she dropped down and started crawling again. She turned and gave us all a smug smile that said, "You guys think you're ALL THAT."
She's been walking ever since.

Brotherly Love
Mr. Yuke(4): Up there in the road! I one it-I two it-I three it-I four it-I five it-I six it-I seven it-I ATE IT!!!
Then, speaking to Monster Truck(2):
You one it-you two it-you three it-you four it-you five it-you six it-you seven it-YOU ATE IT!!!
You ate the cake and ice cream, and I ate a bowl of poop!!!!
Isn't that sweet? Is there a more selfless example of brotherly love?

Doin' It Like Fred Flintstone
I went bowling Friday night with some crazy muchachas. Their approach to bowling (since we all stink at it) is whoever gets the high score on the round gets to tell everyone how they have to bowl the next round. The Fred Flintstone twinkle toes manuever made an appearance, but my favorite was when they had us lay down on our backs and granny roll the ball from our heads. Mine guttered (that was my groove for the night) but a couple people got strikes and spares that way! I'm happy to report there were no serious bowlers there because I'm sure they would have felt we were unworthy to wear bowling shoes. And if you think it through for a second, that is really insulting.

The good news is that once again, we looked good enough to come home to. Husband came home, and like the conquering hero he is, gave me a two-day neck massage. (I had built up a wee bit of tension. : ) )
Welcome home, Lovey!

PG-13

2008-03-25T20:30:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I know I promised a PG-rating on this blog, but this one was just too good to pass up. Click on the link below. I'm pretty sure you won't be sorry you did.

http://kritterkrit.blogspot.com/2008/03/scissors-of-course.html

Easter

2008-03-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter! I hope you all enjoyed the day and remembered to remember the goodness and mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ. He took our sins upon him, he suffered for us in the Garden of Gethsemane, he prayed to the Father in our behalf, he descended lower than anyone ever has, and then he allowed himself to be lifted up on the cross and was crucified. What a joyful blessing the knowledge of the Redeemer's love is to us. I know that through the grace of Jesus Christ all mankind may be saved after all that we can do. I hope you know this too.

We spent the last couple weeks talking with the children about the true meaning of Easter. Starting on Palm Sunday, we discussed what the Savior was doing for the days leading up to his resurrection. I am happy to say that some of it sunk in.

On Saturday before Easter, we had the opportunity to attend the baptism of a family member who lives about an hour away. It was a wonderful afternoon and it was so nice to see our family in happier circumstances.

When we arrived, they were still filling up the baptismal font and my younger children were very interested in this. The baptismal fonts in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints are very large, tiled, usually sunk into the ground, and have steps that lead down into them. The fixtures where the water comes out resemble bathtub fixtures. Maria (the girl being baptized), was glowing. My children were all dressed in their Sunday best and (wonder of wonders-) sitting quietly and reverently (MOSTLY) on the back row.

Maria's aunt gave a talk on baptism. She was saying something about following Jesus' example by entering the waters of baptism. I guess (also wonder of wonders) that Monster Truck(2) was trying to pay attention to what she was saying because he stood up on his chair and SHOUT-whispered to me (I was sitting next to him), "JESUS COME ALIVE IN THAT BAFFTUB!" (So good to know he got something out of our family home evening discussion about the resurrection.) I chuckled and tried to get him to quiet down. Then the aunt said something about a prophet in the Book of Mormon named Alma, who baptized a large group of people in the wilderness at a place called The Waters of Mormon. He jumped up again and said, "NO!, THE WATER'S IN BAFFTUB!!!"

We talked a little afterward about how Jesus was baptized to set the example of perfect obedience to the commandments for us, even though he never sinned. We talked again about how Jesus knelt in the garden, was betrayed by one of his closest friends, taken by the soldiers, was beaten, mocked, humilated, and crucified. And he was resurrected. He lives still. "There.", I thought. "Confusion cleared up."

So we got to church Easter Sunday morning, and as we're going inside, Monster Truck(2) is bounding through the door and he looks up at me with shining eyes and faith in his heart and says, "WE GOING TO SEE JESUS!!!!". He was so happy about it, it was a little heart-wrenching to have to tell him that yes, Jesus is alive, but no, he won't be putting in a LIVE appearance at church today. At least not that I know of.

I guess we should all be looking to the day with the eyes of a two year-old. He IS coming. And Monster Truck(2) can hardly wait. : )

Adventures In Blogging

2008-03-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

Lots of interesting things.

First, if you come to a site that has a picture of a hot mermaid drinking evian, don't be fooled. There is no such thing as evian-drinking mermaids. I bet that was photoshopped. Because mermaids drink motor oil. Ask them. They'll tell you.

Second, my cyber-friend Kim at http://goodcleanreads.blogspot.com recently turned me onto sitemeter.com. I installed it on both my blogs that very day and ever since then I have had the enjoyment of discovering where my readers are located (and also how they ended up here in my little corner of cyberspace if they do not actually know me). I know for instance, that a lot of people come here from http://www.KellysBloggingStation.blogspot.com. Or maybe Kelly's just obsessed with me. I am rather stunning. I also know that I have readers in Minneapolis, New Jersey, Washington state, L.A., the University of New Mexico, the Northeastern states, Oregon, Idaho, Arizona, Utah, Ohio, Germany (!), and just recently, a reader in South Africa came to my book blog. Having access to this information totally entertains me. (And also scares the crap out of me, so Valenzoo, please don't leave your opinion on the implications of this, because I can already guess it and I totally agree with you. I may not have read that book, but I read the cliff notes when you were reading it.)

Well, the oddest things I find out are almost always how random internet surfers end up here through google searches. The other day, someone came here to the first Hocker Ooze page. They had used "comic loogie" as their search words on google. That is sad enough, but what I found mind-numbingly pitiable was that when I quickly skimmed through THE FIRST 50 PAGES of results under that search, A Bunch Without Alice/aberjaber.blogspot.com never came up. This means that-

Someone searched for loogies, and after sifting through a MINIMUM of 51 pages of results, clicked on a link to the Hocker Ooze page. I cannot imagine how many hours of searching through sites describing, depicting, and honoring loogies this would have taken. Just to scroll as fast as I could through the first 50 pages of results took me the better part of 15 minutes. (Yes, I AM pathetic. But at least I can rest assured that I'm not as pathetic as THAT guy. And I can also pretty safely assume none of you are either.)

Slots and That Dirty Slut: Mr. Yuke(4) Goes Vegas

2008-03-22T00:53:00.000-07:00

Slots:

A couple months ago, during our last round of dominoes, Mr. Yuke(4) called me to the bathroom.
"Mom, I slotted."
"What?!"
"I slotted. I tried to poop but lot of slot came out."
I have not looked at a slotted spoon the same ever since.

Now for the other:

In January our local grocery store parking lot became a quagmire of thick not-exactly-snow-more-like-soft-slush. It wouldn't go away and had become quite deep; deep enough to cover Mr. Yuke's(4) shoes in fact.

Husband took Mr. Yuke(4) to the store one night. When Mr. Yuke(4) jumped out of Max, his feet were instantly immersed in ice-cold mush.
Mr. Yuke(4): Ughh! I hate that dirty slut!
Husband: WHAT?!
Mr. Yuke(4): That slut- (points)- I hate it.
Husband trying not to laugh: Oh. Slushhhhhhhhhhhh.
Mr. Yuke unable to hear properly due to wind: Don't shush me! I HATE THAT DIRTY SLUT!!!
Man Walking By: sputter choke gasp guffaw

Learning Through Repetition

2008-03-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

Muhloo(11mo) learned her first word yesterday. She has of course been saying da-da when she's happy and ma-ma when she's upset for quite some time now. (Isn't that the way?) Yesterday however, Muhloo(11mo) said her first bona fide word.

Before I get to that though, I have to get something off my chest. Grocery shopping with a bunch of kids is a hideous experience. Each and every time. Even when my children are such sweethearts that they give the illusion of being proper and dignified little adults who always say please and thank you and help one another reach things on the high shelves, the snooty looks we receive from our fellow patrons are almost always somewhere in the withering-glare/disdain-for-the-scene-just-witnessed spectrum. After casting dispersions on me and my children either facially or vocally as if I'm not standing RIGHT THERE. NEXT TO THEM.- the inevitable comment from every single person I've ever encountered in public is, "You've got YOUR hands full." I am not kidding. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. I hear this so often that for a while I actually had "handsfull" as my password on the websites I frequent- as a rebellion against public condemnation. Where was I? Oh, right. Even when my children are little angels. And let's face it. No child is one of those at all times. Especially not if "all times" happens to occur in the grocery store.

Let me run you through a typical visit to the local grocery store for me.

Find a parking space in teensy-tiny stalls that would render it impossible to open car doors even if you were parked next to a Geo (DARE to dream!)- forget about the roughly 5000 Suburbans parked at this particular grocery store around the clock. Get everyone out of the car. (Usually at this point, though not this week- we cleaned the van out!- we then chase down whatever has unwantedly exited the car with us.) Find a cart. Try to keep an eye on The Pinkiest(7) at all times because you know what she does in situations like this. Put Muhloo's(11mo) carseat in the cart. Argue with Monster Truck(2) about whether or not he is also going to ride in it.
"I WALK." "No, you ride." "I WALK." "[Monster Truck(2)], please come here so I can get you in the cart." "NO. I WALKING." "If you walk YOU HAVE TO STAY BY MOMMY." "I stay by mommy." "All right, fine. Come here. Don't run in the parking lot! Guys! Stay by mom. HEY! CARS CAN'T SEE YOU!!!- Sorry!" (GLARE from disgruntled motorist.) Get into the store.
Little Mommy(9): Mom, can we get one of these carts?
"No."
The Pinkiest(5): Can we get one of these carts?
"I just said 'No'."
Bubba(7): Hey, mom? Can we get a car cart?
"NO!"
(Bubba: Geez. What's her problem?)
Enter the Produce section.
(Now, it's important to understand that one of THE RULES is:

The answer to any and all requests which take place in the grocery store is "NO." unless said request takes place in the Produce section.

-------------ADDENDUM 1-

Unless it is January and the request is for watermelon.

-------------ADDENDUM 2-

Or blueberries. Or raspberries. Or strawberries.

The Pinkiest(5): Hey guys! They have fruit roll-ups over here!

Curse the produce man for selling those things individually! As if I'm going to pay 65 cents per fruit roll-up. I just noticed these new-fangled keyboards don't have the cent sign. I must not have EVER typed that word before.
Everyone: Mom can we have fruit roll-ups?/I ha' fooot woe-wup!/Can I get one?/I want one!/Hey! That's the one I wanted! MO-OM! "No. Nobody is getting fruit roll-ups."

Little Mommy(9): But YOU SAID we could always have anything in the produce department!

Bubba(7): IT'S NOT FAIR.

------------ADDENDUM 3-

Does not include fruit roll-ups. Or any other "froot"-related item.

"HEY! Mr. Yuke(4)! Close the door to the donuts!"

The Pinkiest: Can we get donuts?

"No."

The Pinkiest: Why not?

"Because they're not good for you."

Little Mommy(9): Daddy lets us get donuts.

"No he doesn't."

Little Mommy(9): Well you have before.

"Not today."

Mr. Yuke(4): Pleeeeease.

"No."

Mr. Yuke(4): Why not?

"Because I said 'NO'."

Bubba(7): Hmmph! It's not. FAIR.!!!

Monster Truck(2) just catching on to the exchange that is taking place: I yike donuts! I yike donuts! I have donuts?

"No."

Little Mommy(9): Mommy, can we get some cheese breadsticks for dinner?

"No."

Bubba(7): You never let us have ANYTHING.

"Why don't you go pick out an apple or a pear?- [Monster Truck(2)]! [Monster Truck(2)]! COME. HERE. I told you to stay by mommy."

Bubba(7): I don't WANT pears.

Monster Truck(2), eyes wide: No! No! I don't want ride! I walk by mommy!

At this point we pass the bakery and head for the most unpredictable part of the trip. The meat department. "Guys, stay by mom please." "[Monster Truck(2)]- that's it. You're riding."

Monster Truck(2): NOOOO! NOOOO! I. DON'T. WANT. RIDE!!!!!!!!

"Sorry."
Little Mommy(9): Can we get steak?
"No."
Little Mommy(9): Why not?
"It's too expensive this week."
Little Mommy(9) whines: But I don't like chicken.
"Yes you do, and you know it."
Little Mommy(9): But I want. Steak.
The Pinkiest(5): Here, Mommy. I got some bacon for you.
"Oh. Thank you very much honey, but I don't need any bacon."
Bubba(7): Please can we get bacon?
"No."
Little Mommy(9): But WHHHYYYYYY?
"Because we already have bacon in the freezer and we only eat it like 6 times a year."
Little Mommy(9): Yeah. That's because you never buy it.
"[Monster Truck(2)]! Don't stick your fingers inside of the package of meat!" Ewwwwww. Gross.

And so it goes. "Can we have little cheeses?" "No." "Can we get that spiderman cake?" "No." "Can we buy a lifetime supply of nacho ingredients and ice cream and soda pop?" "No. No. No. No." "Will you give me $15.00 in quarters so I can try to get that Buzz Lightyear Doll out of the Claw machine?" "NO!" (Throw in the inevitable [but gentle] cart collision into an unsuspecting shopper perpetrated by any one of the family while I have turned slightly away from the cart for .2 seconds to reach for an item off the shelf, and you pretty much have our shopping experiences in a nutshell. Oh, and the sickening moment when the checker hits total. Feeding a crew like this is an undertaking and a half, I tell you. I don't know WHAT I will do when I have teenage boys in the house.)

So if you figure that Muhloo(11mo) has been on roughly 1 trip to the grocery store every week since she was 3 weeks old and has heard the word approximately 100 times on each and every one of these adventures into consumership, throw in the very rare occasion that I have to deny someone something unreasonable at home- (sorry, I think I just shot milk out my nose,) is it any wonder that Muhloo's first word is "No."?

She can pronounce it several ways. She experimented with her range on this particular word for an entire day. There's "No.", "NO.", "NO!", and "Newwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"- her personal favorite (and Husband's and mine too). Fortunately she has not (I think) assigned meaning to the word yet. As soon as she does, it will cease to be so cute that we have no power against her (I think I am renaming her Kryptonite(11mo) right here on the spot). At that point I will be thrown into yet another toddler phase that I have to wait out before the child starts saying adorably cute things again. SIGH. They grow up. : (

SIGH! They grow up!!! : )

ISMs

2008-03-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted for a while because my children are still being posessed and I am at a loss for what to say about that. I have a post that is an unfinished work in progress which I can hopefully soon publish. In the meantime, here are some isms of late.

Mr. Yuke(4): I have erasers between my toes.
Me: Erasers?
Mr Yuke(4): Yes. Look. It's like erasers. (Shows me toe-jam.)

Monster Truck(2), removing wet pull-up: Yookit dis. Dis is wet. SMELL IT. (Only boys, I swear.)

Bubba(7) whose last doctor appointment was several months ago, CRYING: I don't WANT to get a shot!
Me: What are you talking about?
Bubba(7): I don't WANT to get a shot?
Me: You're not going to get a shot. You don't have an appointment.
Bubba(7): I know. But SOMEDAY.

My girls have not been very funny. Little Mommy(9) I think, has (sadly) grown out of the funny stage and has not yet grown into her teen-angst-driven-humor years. I await that with eager anticipation. And dread. More dread I think. Here is one of her greatest hits though:

Little Mommy(3): What's that? Are we having soup?
Me: No, it's stew.
Little Mommy(3): What's stew?
Me: It's kind of like soup, but thicker.
DogMom: Oh, good! Brochen!
Grampa: Hey! Brochen!
ArtisticallySpecificTastes: We're having brochen? I love brochen!
Little Mommy(3) indignant that all these grown-ups are so stupid: It's not BUTT-CHOSEN! It's STEWP!

Cleansing Fast

2008-03-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

Ok. I admit it. I'm completely dependant on the internet. I didn't realize the gravity of this truth in my life until this week when something happened with our phone line and we had no dialtone for 6 days straight. Yes, as I mentioned before, we are awaiting the total extinction of landlines before we switch to wireless internet service. Well, we were. Until this week. I can't be so isolated again. When I get online I feel like I am going somewhere- and that keeps me sane. I am so glad to be here again.

Eight Is Enough

2008-03-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

Sometime-Commentor, Regan, informs us that our current solar system only has eight planets, since Ceres, Eris, and Pluto are considered dwarf planets and do not count. I'm learning more everyday. Thanks, Regan. Anyone else have pearls of wisdom for me?

Also, I always thought I wanted 8 kids. Ever since I can remember, it was 8. But then what will I do about my cutesy blog title/cyber identity?

Nominated for a Blogger's Choice Award!

2008-03-05T17:50:00.000-08:00

Oh My Gosh!!! I have no idea who nominated me (I swear I didn't do it myself!) but thank you! And everyone else, please vote for me! I don't think I stand a chance of winning, but the ego-boost would sure be great in the throes of postpartum depression after losing the twins. Here's the link:

http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/42721

Home Schoolin'

2008-03-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

I recently had an epiphany in which I realized that I should be a librarian when I grow up. I was ecstatic. The long years I've spent narrowing down what I want to do with my life, finally at an end. Now, a path. That starting place, a jumping off point, a direction to a determinded destination. I called That College I Sometimes Go To, to inquire about which classes I could take online while I am waiting for Muhloo(10mo) to go to school. I discovered that Library Science is actually a Masters program. One which, incidentally, is not offered at Said College.

Deep breath. "Okay, well do you have any idea what sort of Undergraduate degree I should pursue with that Masters in mind?"

"Oh, pretty much anything. Of course something with English or Literature is always good, but really any field that interests you would work."

So much for narrowing down what I want to do with my life.

So I go in and meet with an Advisor. She tells me that I can choose between Comparative Literature ( YES!) which she is advising me against (NO!) and English, which she thinks would be my best bet. Why would English be better I ask? Well the Comparative Lit. degree doesn't have any major classes available online. English on the other hand has tons.

"Explain to me the difference between the two."

"Well, Comparative Literature would be studying and comparing literature (oh, really?), while (and this next part came in hushed and reverential tones-) English would be studying the intracacies of the English Language. (Enter the choir of heavenly angels now). Hmmm. I wonder which classes SHE teaches?

The intracacies of the English language. Hmmm. Semicolon 101? I don't think so. Thanks, but I get all the English Language learnin' I need reading the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. Ok, Comparative Lit it is. And actually I still have some G.E.'s to get out of the way so I can do those online while I wait for Muhloo(10mo) to grow.

Thinking about the general education I am soon to receive at home got me thinking about the general education I have already received there.

Since we're already on English, let's just start there:

Pronunciation of Consonants (PrCn160)-
Me: Wwwww-ipes
Monster Truck(2): Yyyyyyipes.
Me: Wwwwwipes
Monster Truck(2): Yyyyyyipes.
Me: Wwwwwwwww
Monster Truck(2): Wwwww
Me: Good! Do it again!
Monster Truck(2): Wwwwww!
Me: Now say, wwwwwipes.
Monster Truck(2): WwwwwwYipes.

Try to say that. It's really hard.
(Note: Monster Truck(2) graduated this week from wwwwYipes to Lipes. Also, I think speaking toddlerese 6 times earns me a Minor in Foreign Language.)

Zoology 100 (ZooL100)-
Little Mommy(9) informed me today that she is pretty sure she broke her toe at school because she dropped something heavy on it and then just kept "slumping around" all day.

Mr. Yuke(4) popped his knuckle night before last while wrestling with his dad.
Mr Yuke(4): OH NO! I broke my ANKLE BUTTON! It WASN'T WORTH IT!!!!
[I actually think I should get double credit for this one in Drama 120 (Dra120)]

Economics For Small Business (Econ160)-
Me: No one in this family is allowed to charge for breakfast or lunch at school under any circumstances whatsoever. Do you understand me? (Collective nodding of heads.) Charging is not a good practice to get into and we do not have the money for that. I have already talked with the lunch lady. Her computer says you guys can't charge. Okay? (Nodding again.) We have perfectly good food at home you can eat for breakfast and take for lunch. There is no reason ever to charge. Got it? (More nodding.)

-----

Me: What do you mean you owe $10.45 to the school and they're kicking you out in January if you haven't paid it yet?! What have you been doing with ALL THOSE LUNCHES you took to school?! ... Uh huh. ... I see. Well you are paying those charges with the money from your own piggy bank. ... Yes, it is fair. ... No, I provided you with food the first time around when you chose to throw it away. You owe money too?!!! How much do YOU owe? $6.80? How can you owe $6.80? Lunch prices don't even add up to that! (STUPID LUNCH LADY!) You TELL that lunch lady that I want an itemized receipt for that. ... It means a list of all the charges. ... Yes, she can. ... If you can't remember "itemized" then just say 'my mom wants a receipt.'. ...WHAT?!!!! YOU aren't even AT school for lunch time!!! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HAVE CHARGES AT SCHOOL?!!! ... Breakfast? You eat breakfast at home. ... I don't CARE if you like french toast better than cheerios, you're not allowed to eat at school without taking money!

I should get an honorary degree in Social Science for that one just on the grounds that no one got maimed. : )

Psychology 210 (Psy210)-
One of Husband's roommates was a Psych major. Not my favorite person come to think of it. The reason for that was that he was constantly doing/saying/encouraging things solely to elicit a reaction and then to analyze all the people involved. The world was his laboratory, the human race his lab rats. In honor of the roommate I'll call Dozen Roses, my psych experiment:

Monster Truck(2): You're taking a BAFF?!!! (Read: Have you LOST YOUR MIND?)
Me: Yep.
Monster Truck(2): Why aye you taking a baff?
Me: Because my back hurts (stupid cheap Walmart junk...).
Monster Truck(2): Because yo-ee back hurts? You takinga baff because yo-ee back hurts?
Me: Mmhm.
Monster Truck(2): Hmm. Nice and Yarm.

I'm also pretty sure I've already earned at least a minor in Children's Literature and probably Early Childhood Development as well. I can offhandedly quote Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, e.e. cummings, and Mem Fox. Sad, but true.

I've learned how to fix baby beds, action figures, boo-boos and dinners. I've written journals and blogposts and permission slips and excuse notes. I've made costumes and messes and excuses and FHE lessons; done homework and housework and yardwork and God's work. I've made babies and a family. I've made a home.

I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to comtemplate what I wanted to do with my life. In taking the time to contemplate it, I did it.

Donuts Are Evil (And Other Things You Need To Know)

2008-03-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the following link, I discovered that our solar system has 11, not 9, planets. I don't watch/listen to/read the news because I think it is controlled by a few people with a lot of money and also because I find it monumentally depressing. Because of this, I didn't know that they have discovered some new planets called Ceres and Eris. So there you go. I don't know where she got her info, but I thought you should know. (Or am I the only one who was unaware?)

Next thing: I feel that I somehow have not done a good enough job promoting the Twilight books to the world. Four people who voted on my last poll still didn't know what Twilight is. See? -> Twilight is a book. It has two sequels. It is on about the same reading level as Harry Potter but the subject matter is a little more adult. The books are complete brain candy but totally enjoyable and I highly recommend them. They are New York Times bestsellers and a big item in pop culture right now. Read them, you won't be sorry. Oh, two more things: 1) they are kind of chick books so I don't know if guys like them or not and 2)they have vampires. Don't let that put you off. I'm not a Buffy/Angel/whatever other shows/horror movies fan, but I really liked these books.

Next thing: A single crumb donut has 5 weight watchers points. A WHOLE MEAL. Stupid donuts. For perspective, that is the same as 1 egg and 1 egg white scrambled with 2 slices of canadian bacon, and a piece of toast. I don't know about you, but suddenly that evil donut doesn't look quite so good.

Next thing: Some of you already know, but don't separate frozen cinnamon rolls with a knife. You can accomplish separating them by whacking them on the counter. Apparently. Some of you may feel like I'm beating a dead cinnamon roll here with this but I just think don't think I can stress this enough.

Next thing: Just because your kids SAY they did their homework doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. Try to find out for sure BEFORE you go to parent/teacher conferences. It'll save you a lot of embarrassment.

Next thing: The aerobics step you can buy at WalMart that is "two height adjustable", made from plastic, and is called "STEP" is a total waste of money. Don't even bother. On a related note: most chiropracters do excellent work.

Last thing: If you ever decide that laundering your thumb drive is a good idea, don't worry. They still work if you let them dry out.

Flour Girls and Dough Boys: Update and Pics

2008-03-05T13:48:00.000-08:00

Someone emailed me cell phone pictures of the bakery. I added them to my other post.

Also, I forgot to mention some important things before.

They have free Wi-Fi
The employees are all absolutely wonderful. The customer service is first-rate (as are the samples!) and they remember you.
I get nothing from that place for telling you how great they are. It is totally in self-interest. I love going there and I want them to stay open, ergo- I'm telling you it's worth your time. : )

One Day Cure For My Cabin Fever: Flour Girls and Dough Boys

2008-03-02T14:58:00.001-08:00

One day was all I got. Sigh. Snow, snow, and more snow. I am so over it. Now for the cure: Anyone want to have a girls' night? Chocolate, chick flicks, chocolate. More chocolate.

OOOO!!! Speaking of chocolate- I just remembered! I found the most divine place ever! On a recent trip to a place called American Fork I found a bakery that I INSTANTLY fell in love with. (Kelly- SO MUCH BETTER than our bakery on Main Street.) Anyway, it's called Flour Girls and Dough Boys Artisan Bakery and it's located about half a block off of Main Street American Fork near the Towne Cinemas. 35 N. Barratt Ave. (150 West)

I walked in and was hit by the overwhelminly delicious smells of fresh baked Artisan rustic breads including Sourdough, Asiago Cheese (20% cheese!), Homemade Foccacia, Baguettes, and more! I looked up to their menu to discover some of the other wonderful smells surrounding me were coming from their made-from-scratch-every-day soups and paninis. Yes indeedy! It's a bakery AND A CAFE! I turned to look at the seating and discovered a quaint little setting with around half a dozen small tables in front of a hugh window. The paint on the walls was reminiscent of a Tiffany's Co. jewellry box. Over the table were hung antique crystal chandeliers and the whole place was shiny and said come here every day for the rest of your life! Sadly, I discovered the bakery the same weekend I realized I am close to my first goal of losing 10% of my body weight [GO Weight Watchers!] but hey- what can you do? I guess the name "Dough Boys" should have tipped me off but now that I know about that place I must return. Many, many times.) The place was immaculately clean, which I appreciated, having worked in a bakery once upon a time. It seems like a lot of good hole-in-the-wall bakeries are filthy and constantly covered in a thin layer of flour dust. Not Flour Girls and Dough Boys. The brass was shiny, the glass was fingerprint-free, and there was no dust anywhere. Next time one of us passes through that region, we'll be sure to take pictures of it for you.

Now, the food. Oh, YUM! They had every sort of pastry you could think of (except donuts and really, I think donuts are far beneath them. Donuts are not even in their league). Everything is made with real butter (no margerine) and unbleached, unbromated flour. I tried a few bites of a huge gooey cinnamon roll purchased for Husband, sampled the soups (I've been craving the house specialty- Tuscan Sausage and Bean- ever since), and bought a loaf of the sourdough which I thought surpassed anything I have ever gotten in San Francisco. My favorite thing I had that day was the Coconut Oatmeal Raisin cookies. THERE. ARE. NO. WORDS. And I'm not even a raisin person! They have three kinds of brownies, chocolate-filled homemade croissants, and every other good thing you can imagine.

The new snowstorm could have totally ruined my day, but thanks to this place and their delightful name which captured my attention the first time I saw it, I didn't even miss the sun.If you pass through Utah, as I do on occasion, FIND THIS PLACE AND GO EAT THERE!
35 N. Barratt Ave. (150 West), American Fork
763-9232
Monday to Friday 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Saturday 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. (<- Note that, it'll save you some disappointment when you get there on a Saturday evening.)

Dirty Words

2008-02-26T01:30:00.000-08:00

Human anatomy has become a favorite topic with the pygmies around here lately. Apparently certain body parts are the pinnacle of funny and I was just unaware. Not cute little words like "Bum" and "Knickers McFanny" (thank you Nanny McPhee). No, I'm talking the real whoppers that Brother has a hard time with. I have no idea how to handle that. It seems like it's only more gratifying to them if I react to it and remind them ever-so-gently that it's best not to say those words in the middle of the grocery store AT THE TOPS OF THEIR LUNGS! Oh, yes. That brings on gales of laughter. On a related note- does anyone know what a pee-nit is?
Kids-4, Mom-0

There are some other dirty words I've been contending with lately. Closely related to the human anatomy issue is the ever-dreaded potty training. Now, in the name of good personal hygiene, I have always had the child who has an accident take a quick shower. None of my other kids thought much of this. Well, it turns out that Monster Truck(2) really likes the shower. A LOT. He is quite joyful when he announces that he has peed/pooped himself AGAIN so "I need a shower!". The enthusiasm with which he delivers that sentence just can't be captured in the written word. Suffice it to say, he could just as easily be saying, "I'm going to Knotts Berry Farm! With Santa Claus!!!" Anyway, I don't really know what to do. As long as he keeps getting to get clean after an accident he's not going to try to stop having them. Do I let him walk around smelling like a port-a-potty?
Kids-5, Mom-0

Mucous is another dirty word I've been contending with. There seems to be a surplus of it in the world. Sadly, my children got my genes and therefore will most likely not learn to blow their noses until they go to college. (True story. I just couldn't do it.) They try. Several of them blow out their mouths into a tissue expecting to expectorate the junk in their noses. That's kind of funny, actually. I will continue to wipe their noses I guess. For the next 12 years.

Chores. SIGH. What can I even say about that? Ah. I know. To quote a (cyber) friend:

"Frickin' farker frickafrack!!! Scream."

Yep. That about covers it. Bubba's(7) friend came over the other day to get Bubba(7) so they could go play at the friend's house. Bubba(7) had not quite finished his chores and he had to finish before they could leave. His friend stood there and watched with disdain while Bubba(7) unloaded the dishwasher. After a few minutes the friend said, "I don't have to do any chores." Bubba(7) shot me the stinkyeye and said, "That's because your mom is nice." (Slam the bowl down.) Me: (No, that's because your mom doesn't think you can do anything yourself you big baby.) Ok. So I admit it. That wasn't a nice thought. But really, do you have to come into my house and make my slaves start having thoughts about the injustices of their lives? I have already been dealing with a near-revolutionary uprising the past few months, no thanks to my next dirty word: Cabin Fever.
Kids-6, Mom-0

Ah, cabin fever. The current bane of my existence. I don't know who has it worse- me or the kids. No one wants to do any chores. No one wants to listen to the parents. No one wants to stay in this house for ten more seconds. I'm just sayin' is all. You know the other problem with being cooped up all winter long? Dirt.

Yes, Dirt. That is my last dirty word for this post. I never realized that Cabin Fever is the reason for Spring cleaning. I always had a vague impression that spring was just some arbitrary time someone picked because the weather is neither too cold nor too hot. WRONG. The reason spring cleaning is in the spring is because with a bunch of kids and no Alice in the house for almost 5 months straight, the house is dirtier than the garden. There are mystery handprints on the walls that have no explanation other than that their origins could not possibly have been any one of my children. ("It wasn't ME!") My children have managed to get crumbs in corners that no human (or vacuum) could ever fit into (behind the bunkbed, under the bookshelf, etc.) The kitchen floor hasn't been scrubbed in I'm-not-going-to-say-how-long (in part because of my feelings about mopping but also) because the kids haven't been able to be outside long enough for it to dry, so what's the point? Yesterday spring finally got here. I hope beyond hope it stays. The weather in This Place That I Live is a little unpredictable this time of year. I remember one June that it was 95 degrees one day and THE VERY NEXT DAY IT SNOWED. I am not making this up. Anyway, if the weather holds out at least for the weekend I'm going to get the dirt (and the dirty kids!) out of the house. Ooooo! It's going to be so great!

Multiple Personality Disorder?

2008-02-23T21:44:00.000-08:00

My other blog got this:

Movie Reviews

Good thing I'm not shooting jumpshots. I'm too inconsistent!

Demotion

2008-02-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

Remember my shame? And then my subsequent promotion? Well apparently it's been rescinded.

TV Reviews

I guess I just need to accept it and move on. In honor of the "honor", I have officially launched the book review blog previously promised. Allow me to direct you to Something More Substantial. Enjoy!

"Supernatural Beauty", Anyone?

2008-02-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

SIGH. Nope.

While 42% of my voting readers will apparently in no way appreciate this...

On a related note, they picked the Cullens. So sad, really. Kelly's picks were SO MUCH BETTER. Especially her Carlisle.

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. We moved on from flu to strep. Apparently it's been going around. Yay.

Six Quirky Things

2008-02-14T00:27:00.001-08:00

I got tagged. Here they are:

I can't sleep with pants on- or anything that might wrap around my legs, actually. Pajamas are the enemy. I had some sort of recurring nightmare when I was a kid that something was holding my legs and wouldn't let go. My paralyzing fear of fire notwithstanding, I sleep in my underwear every night. Hopefully if there ever IS a fire, it won't be in the middle of a blizzard.
I drink bottled water because the water in This Place tastes like poison. Laced with dirt. That's not the quirky part. I can't drink a partially drunk bottle of water. If I drink the water at one sitting, fine- but if that water is still in there the next day.... I will take the dehydration, thank you.
I absolutely DETEST- I mean really hate here people- the feeling of brushed stainless steel. You know, the kind that is in the kitchen sink and the mixing bowls and anything else that is especially useful? Ugh-h-h-h-h!!!! It makes my skin crawl and my teeth zing just to think about it. This is really not so handy when it comes to washing dishes. In fact, a lot of the time, I just leave the wash-by-hand ones in the sink until Husband comes to my rescue and magics them clean. The same reaction applies to the SOUND of styrofoam. I just shuddered as I typed that and then got goosebumps. ICK. Styrofoam.
I am a human popsicle all my waking hours. Even if I am deathly ill with some massive raging infection, I remain a cool 95 degrees while I'm awake. I'm serious. Even more weird than that, is that three minutes after I fall asleep, my body temperature shoots up to surface-of-the-sun-type heat and stays there until about five minutes after I wake up again. Poor Husband. He needs to sleep in HIS underwear just to avoid getting heat stroke.
I can't stand when dishrags get left in the sink. If they are left there by someone else and they are not rinsed and spread out to dry on a clean surface, I pick them up by one tiny corner with the smallest bit of finger possible and throw them straight in the trash as soon as that person leaves my house. It doesn't seem to bother me if I leave them there though. (That's probably only because I would never leave one longer than 5 minutes.)
When I was a kid I used to eat bowls full of E.L. Fudge cookies like cereal with melted vanilla ice cream on them instead of milk. I probably shouldn't tell you that it's really good.

So there you are. Six quirky things about me that you never knew. Not as exciting as Kristy's, but that's only because you guys already know all my "freakadoos". It's not like I keep any of them a secret.

Ok- The six people I tag are: Kelly, Amber, Cam and/or Kay, Lindsey, Jaycey, and Rebecca. Anyone else is welcome to share as well. Consider yourself tagged if you've read this. Just stick 'em in the comments if you don't want to post one of these doodads on your own blog.

Idol and ITunes

2008-02-14T00:22:00.000-08:00

THIS GUY has brought up some important and compelling questions in his last two posts. It would behoove us all to read them.

Twilight Links Update

2008-02-12T13:47:00.001-08:00

The links to the interview with Kristen Stewart are up on this post now.

What's Really Important

2008-02-11T23:39:00.000-08:00

So we sailed through the extreme cinnamon rolls without incident. We somehow coped when all the laundry in the entire house was dirty (until Husband valiantly saved the day and washed most of it). We got by when I was puking my face off. We survived pulling out of school early, throwing stuff in a backpack and driving ten minutes later to the other end of the state to see our Grandma on her deathbed. We hung on through the loss of our babies, the D&C, and Grandma's funeral. And then, I did it. The stupidest thing I could ever have done. I said- OUT LOUD- that the kids had handled everything remarkably well. And then I SHOULD HAVE called an exorcist, because ever since that day, they have been decompressing (read: posessed) to an extreme degree. I have been in tears more than once and have sat seething in anger a few times too. Seriously, it's been all I can do to remind myself that families are the most important thing on earth and that I love those kids more than anything else in this world. Mostly, I've just wanted to hang a cardboard sign around their necks and stick them out on the curb.
"FREE. TAKE ONE."

I guess I'm grateful for a perspective which helps me at times like this to remember what it is I love and what's really important.

Tonight, I took dinner to a friend who is sick. She's the sort of person who is CONSTANTLY helping other people but doesn't let anyone help her. I insisted on bringing the food in spite of her polite refusals because- who doesn't need homemade chicken noodle soup? I'm not even sick and I want some. Anyway, I made the soup, some homemade buttermilk biscuits (something that I am somehow very good at in spite of the baking-challenged environment I was raised in), homemade whipped honey butter, and my famous chocolate chip cookies. (Yes, they are famous. No, you can't have the recipe. It's my very own and I can count the number of people I've disclosed it to on one hand- and they've all been SWORN to secrecy. I developed the cookies because I was feeling competitive with my friend Piano Girl who was always bragging about how great her cookies are. Someday I'll have to make her some of them.) Anyway, my kids were totally excited about the cookies they just happened to notice baking in the kitchen. I told them that I was taking some to The Nicest Lady I Know and that they could have some later during Family Home Evening. I got the food all ready to go, pulled the hot biscuits out of the oven and arranged them on a tray, and carried everything to the car. Immediately, Monster Truck(2) started crying. He began potty training today so I thought maybe he was stressed about me leaving him to tend to his bathroom needs by himself for four minutes. Or maybe he wanted to come too, but I didn't have time to look for his shoes. ALWAYS the shoes. He has a little toddler crush on me right now so his big huge tears just melted my heart. He just loves me so much. It almost made all the psycho-children moments this week seem worth it because he so obviously wanted to be with me. I called up the stairs to Little Mommy(9) to watch the little boys while Bubba(7!) and I delivered the food to our friend a block and a half away. Then I quick-shut the door and locked the deadbolt with my key so Monster Truck(2) couldn't get out. We got into the car, started to back out of the driveway, and I see Monster Truck(2) standing in the open doorway, wailing out into the night, "MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!" "Oh, poor [Monster Truck(2)]", I said to Bubba(7). We delivered the food as fast as we could and returned in 4 or 5 minutes. When I came home Little Mommy(9) was sweetly distracting Monster Truck(2) from my absence. I walked in and his little face lit up- "MOMMY!". I rushed to him and gave him a hug saying, "See? I came back. I wouldn't leave you." Then he looked up into my face with anger and resentment burning behind his eyes and said, "YOU TAKED THE TOOKIES buh-bye." The little booger never wanted ME at all! Like I said, I'm glad I know what I love and what's really important. And so does Monster Truck(2), apparently.
Score: Kids-3, Mom-0

Could It Be Jacob?

2008-02-09T18:52:00.000-08:00

Photo of the newest Twilight cast member

Made My Day and Other Random Stuff

2008-02-07T12:17:00.001-08:00

Made My Day
My favorite commentor on The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks is Jeff. Jeff is a published columnist and (apparently) a successful frelance writer- and he thinks I'M funny! Yay! If a journalist/graduate student finds things I write entertaining, maybe there's hope that I really COULD write that book someday.

Other Stuff

Hmmm. If only I had some scissors to open the package...

WHO invented those stupid packages anyway?

Another Funny Mother I Don't Know who I found on the "Blog" of "Un...", posted some VERY useful information on her blog today. Go check it out.

Twilight News

The movie which is coming out in December is in production right now. I was excited about this news at first but the more I think about it, the more I think they're probably going to slaughter the story. I don't like their casting decisions, especially for Bella. In an interview with MTV's movie blog, the actress sounded like she hadn't even read the book.

That is so wrong.

I was going to link to the interview but today is the announcement for the next book and about 10 zillion breathless women are trying to get on stepheniemeyer.com right now, making this impossible. I'll try to put up the link later.

The official release date for the fourth book "Breaking Dawn", is August 2, 2008. (Insert SQUEAL OF EXCITEMENT here.) It is now available for preorder on Amazon, and Barnes and Noble dot coms.

Silver Lining

2008-02-06T17:57:00.000-08:00

They have almost forgiven me. I offended them deeply, again, but forgiveness (almost) always comes. I spend a lot of time making it up to them. I take good care and let them know how much I love them. Yes. My plants have almost forgiven me (for getting pregnant, of course).

Every time I get pregnant it's the same scenario (the variable being how many people live in the house). Roughly 35 seconds after conception I start throwing up like a cancer patient. Shortly thereafter, I stop talking to all my neighbors and most of my friends. All non-essential life support systems are shut down. This includes things like watering plants, answering the phone, showering every single day, and writing notes to the school to excuse absences. (If you're wondering how I manage that, it's like this:

To Whom It May Concern,

Please excuse all of the [Aberjaber] children from any and all absences between (fill in the month) and (fill in the month). I assure you, if they were allowed to stay home during this time period, it was only because they were deathly ill. If you have a problem with this you may call me.

Thank you,

Aberjaber

I have yet to receive a call.)

So usually the first nonessential things to go are the plants. They put on a good show, trying to stay perky for as long as possible; but in the end they always either die or are mortally damaged before some other member of the family takes pity on them. I am not proud of this. I feel as bad about this as you might feel about neglecting to feed a family pet- but, there it is.

Please don't misunderstand. I am not one of those black thumb people. Thank goodness, no. Plants can be mostly content coexisting with me. That said, I don't have a green thumb either. I acquire plants most often from My Beautiful. My Beautiful is one of those green thumb people. That is probably understating it. If the truth be told, she is sort of like the Layla character on "Sky High". Her MANY plants really know when she is home and they are all constantly vieing for her attention. "Look at me, I'm so big and full!" "No! Look at me! See how all my leaves are the deepest shade of green and I am so perfect and shiny I don't even look real?" "I have all these flowers I bloomed especially for you!" My Beautiful can grow anything. Indoors, outdoors, garden, pot, or planter box- the plants grow for her as if she is the sun and the rain. She really is that wonderful. When you think about it, you can't really blame the plants.

So my plant acquisition always goes something like this:

My Beautiful: I was thinning some of my gorgeous plants because they are so thick and luxurious they can't possibly continue in one pot. (I may be paraphrasing here a little.) I have a whole bunch of starts. I already potted most of them but I have a few left. Would you like to have one?

Me: Yes! Of course!

My Beautiful: You'll need to get a pot. This (fill in the blank) likes a lot of (this type of fertilizer). You'll need to give it...

...

and then...

....

Be sure to...

....

I think I have some (whatever kind of fertilizer/soil conditioner) if you want me to bring it over next time I come. (Then, seeing the glazed over look on my face and the expression of complete bewilderment as I say-)

Me: Sooooo... I water it then. How often...?

This is when she realizes that the poor little start doesn't really stand a chance with me. Then the next time she sees me she brings an already-potted and fertilized start that has been nursed along a bit and is doing quite well. This is the main reason my plants always look so nice and are healthy for years at a time- they are still basking in My Beautiful's care of them. Then, one of two things happens:

I get pregnant and they die.
I get pregnant and they become only "mostly dead". Again with the Princess Bride- must be time to watch that again.

(Note that NOT getting pregnant never happens. Ever.)

So then I do one of two things:

I throw the plants away and wait until I am deemed capable of plant stewardship again, or
I pull off all the dead leaves and water them twice a day and hope that if I do this a lot, they will not end up bald like Aphrodite. (Aphrodite was an aptly named, huge golden pothos with tendrils 5 feet long and was our college apartment mascot- yes I know what a mascot is-. She thrived for 3 years until she was turned over to my care when I got married. Aphrodite lived happily with me- until I got pregnant. Poor Aphrodite. She was never the same. A moment of silence.)

I think my plants are going to come out of this pregnancy unscathed. And that is the silver lining.

Issue On the Brain

2008-02-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

HA HA HA HA!!!! Husband got all Princess Bride on me yesterday and pointed out a teensy little error in my post from the other day.

"I do not think that word means what you think it means." (If you did not read that with a spanish accent, go back and do it again.)

People should COMport themselves properly. Deporting themselves is another issue entirely. Actually, now that I think of it, some people should do that too.

Typo fixed. Thank you, Husband for helping me not deliver an otherwise intelligent speech with an accidental slip of the tongue. We've all seen what taunting awaits people who do that.

One of Many Reasons

2008-02-05T17:09:00.000-08:00

I blog-stalk. Here is one exceptional example of why. It is a tale of a man trying to begin his day at the temple and how that day went slightly wrong. Enjoy! (Brother- go read this. I think you'll find it very funny.)

This I Know

2008-02-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

I got my morning chuckle when I read a snide remark today about liberals blaming AIDS on a lack of federal funding. Outside of that one snark, I didn't find the site it was on enjoyable and I won't be returning. I did, however, get a kick out of that.

I bring up the subject of liberals, because it has come to my attention that I have not sufficiently explained my position on political "correctness" on this blog. It boils down to this: I don't think anyone in this country should be so easily offended that politically "incorrect" statements give rise to the behavior which they do. (Lobbying, protesting, whining, regulating, etc....) This came up because a cherished old friend of mine (who, after some deliberation about Anne Shirley and her bosom friend Dianna, I've decided instead to call My Own Personal Dharma) recently emailed me a book recommendation- a book she enjoyed and which, based on her memory of our history together, she thought I might also enjoy. With the description of the book was a note in which she expressed that she was hesitant to send the book, afraid it might offend me. She thought this (no thanks I'm sure to my review of that other book) because some of the reviews on Amazon.com said the book was received by some readers as feminist and anti-Christian. (It is important to note that the book is set in medieval times. A time period that was, by nature, anti-Christian. It was called the "dark ages" for a reason.) As far as the feminism goes, I am not afraid of feminists nor so easily offended. Do I think the world has a very distorted view of women's strengths, abilities, and roles? YES. Am I going to curl up in a ball and cry about it? No. For the same reason I spurn political "correctness" so vehemently- that people need to get a backbone and not let the fact that someone somewhere might be saying something out loud about God, bother them- I am not. (My Own Personal Dharma is one of those, my friends who stand far to the left of me and Dr. Laura and for some reason still seem to like me anyway. And I like her.) No, rather than getting fetal and letting the tears flow, I will instead, continue to stand for what is right without shame and I will not get offended if people don't believe me. I hope they will afford me the same courtesy.

To that end, I would like to tell you what it is that I believe, so there's not all this weirdness between us. I hope that when all of you know where I stand, we can go forward as friends and without fear.

I believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost. I believe that they live and that they are three separate and distinct beings. I believe that God hears and answers prayers if we have faith and are willing to hear his answers. Sometimes they are not the answers we want or expect. I believe that we are the literal and beloved spirit children of our Father in Heaven and that we lived with him before we came to this earth, and that we have both a divine nature and destiny. I believe our bodies are a sacred gift from God and that we should do all in our power to take care of them, from exercising and eating right to avoiding addictive substances. I don't drink or smoke. I believe people will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam's transgression. I believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel. I believe that we are saved through the grace of Christ after all that we can do. I believe God would not have gone to all the trouble to tell the prophets and apostles so much about how people should comport themselves if He did not care about it.

I believe that a man must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those in authority, to preach the gospel and administer the ordinances thereof.

I believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator's plan for the eternal destiny of His children. I believe that sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples enable family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. I believe that gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose. I believe that sexual relations should be kept within the bounds of marriage between a husband and wife who have been legally and lawfully wedded. I believe in the sanctity of life and it's importance in God's plan. I am against abortion. I believe parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. I believe that raising children in this way is the path to our greatest happiness and the most noble endeavor a couple can undertake. I also believe that husbands and wives will be held accountable before God for how they execute this greatest of responsibilities. I believe children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. I believe successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. I believe that with the sacred endowment of gender come certain responsibilities. Fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. I realize many times circumstances arise when there is only one parent. I am not saying these people cannot be successful. I am saying that the responsibility has been divinely divided in this way, and that God has given each of us inherent gifts specific to our genders, to assist us in our respective stewardships. A single parent can do a wonderful job and raise wonderful children, but as a child from a broken home, I feel that I can say- that parent will have more difficulty doing so than two parents who love each other would together. I believe that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

I believe the Bible to be the word of God, as far as it is translated correctly. I also believe the Book of Mormon to be the word of God. I believe there is a living prophet on the earth today and that the restoration of the priesthood and revelation foretold of in the scriptures has come. I believe we live in the last days and that Jesus Christ will come again.

I claim the privilege of worshipping Almighty God according to the dictates of my own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, worship how, when, or what they may. I believe in the freedom of speech, without which I could not be writing this blog. I also believe in being respectful to those around you and using freedom of speech in a manner that is considerate of others' rights to not hear what it is you might have to say. (As long as I'm on the respect issue- I believe that P.[ublic] D.[isplays of] A.[ffection] are rude and inconsiderate, no matter who they are between.) I believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, and in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law. I believe that any law-abiding person is welcome to come to this country and better their circumstances. I believe that a high percentage of illegal immigrants do not sustain the law. If they were law-abiding people they would not be here, they'd be waiting for their visas like everyone else. I believe that people have a sacred responsibility to vote if they live in a country where this right is afforded to them. I believe that voting for Hillary is wrong. (Ha Ha) I believe in upholding the Constitution of the United States and that, in spite of America's flaws, ours is still the best system of government in the world. I believe in our sovereignty as a nation and that we should stay away from the U.N..

I believe that we should all be honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and that we should be doing good to all men in whatever ways we can. I believe and try to follow the admonition of Paul- I believe all things, I hope all things, my people have endured many things and we hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report of praiseworthy, I strive to seek after these things.

I believe in love. I believe in chocolate and femininity and keeping a journal. I believe that the beauties of this earth are a testament of the Creator

and a gift from Him to help us remember just how much we are loved. I believe that God has given man the charge to take care of the earth and that wastefulness of any thing is always abhorrant, but also that the earth's resources are here for us to use. I love the seasons and bad weather and the opportunities they are to be reminded that storms pass and that the sun always shines again. (Some places more than others.)

I believe that every single person on this earth has something positive to offer it (and I try to remember that when I am dealing with them. : ) ) I believe that it's never too late to start over, that the adage "an old dog can't learn new tricks" is a lie, and that every single day is a gift which we can use to stand a little taller and do a little more. I believe we should all try to do so.

I realized as I was just reading over what I wrote up there, that I misspoke. I said these are the things I believe. I should have said these are the things I know, because I do know them. I realize there are going to be people- maybe lots of people- who don't agree with me. Some may even become angry at my conviction. They will accuse me of hating people who are different from me (which I do not), of being narrow-minded (which I am not) and of not thinking for myself (which is not now nor has it ever been the case- since I was eight months old). I do not pass judgement on people who disagree with me. I believe most of those people have not gained their own testimony of these things. I think most people in this world are just trying to do their best and be good people. That is what I would like to believe, anyway- that people do the best they can with the knowledge and emotional scars they have.

I love My Own Personal Dharma- I always have- and many others who stand with her, a little further to the left than I. This is who I am. I am not afraid of other opinions- I am not so easily offended. I hope none of you are either. I had a teacher once who said, "I've found that with people who are easily offended, it is almost always because they have too much pride." I don't know if this is universally true, but I do tend to believe it in the case of political "correctness".

Oh- one more thing. I believe that anyone can know the truthfulness of these things if they exercise enough faith to ask God, believing that they will receive an answer. I know the words of the prophets are true which said: "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him." (James 1:5)

"...and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, having real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." (Mor. 10:4-5)

Comments

2008-02-04T12:08:00.001-08:00

Hey friends in the blogosphere! I just wanted to let y'all know that if you have left me a comment and it's not published, it was probably because you used Husband's real actual name. I appreciate all your notes but if you want them on here (and some of them are really good), don't put in anything personal. I do go to a lot of trouble to maintain a certain level of anonymity around here. The names have been changed to protect the innocent- and I mean that in the most serious sense of the words. Thanks to everyone for reading here and giving me an audience to practice writing to. :) Love to you all-
Aberjaber

Love Walked In

2008-02-03T11:44:00.000-08:00

If only to restore balance to the force, I am writing a review for a book I read this week that I LOVED. After this I will start a separate blog for book reviews. The book is called "Love Walked In" by Marisa de los Santos. She is an award-winning poet with a PhD in Literature and Creative Writing. This was her first novel and it may as well be her last as far as I'm concerned because she has already achieved perfection and there is nowhere left to go but down.

Among other things, the book is an homage to classic American cinema. You know the movies I'm talking about. The beautiful romances between debonair actors like Cary Grant or Clark Gable and fabulous leading women who always look a little soft around the edges in their closeups, as if their sheer radiance was too much for the old-time cameras to photograph properly- all photographed on black and white film. Those movies that people are still watching 80 years later because they are such great romances. If you don't like those movies, maybe this book isn't for you- although the language is so deliciously, exactly, wonderfully wonderful that any well-read person is sure to appreciate it.

In addition to the numerous references to the silver screen, the book is also a nod to countless characters from works of great literature. Sara Crewe, Jo and Beth March, Anne Shirley, Jen Pringle, Mary Lennox, Scout and Jem, Uriah Heap, Miss Havisham, Lear and Cordelia, Voldemort, and Snape are just a handful of the characters I remember being referenced in the book- each a little golden nugget tucked into the pages of a delightful story about family, love, loss, being lost, being found, finding love again, and finding what it is that we love.

Keeping true to the homage, the author takes a classic movie approach to the sex in this book. The main character describes a date with her dream-come-true saying,

"I'm a fan of suggestion, obliquity, discretion, the cut to the morning after, the camera's eye turning upward, outward-to the sky, to the cuckoo clock over the bed, to the rushing river, away. Forget those slick bodies tangled on the floor or grappling on kitchen tables. Sexy is Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed talking into the same telephone receiver, their anger tipping reluctantly over into desire, the desire as much in the distance separating their two mouths as in their proximity to each other. What I'm saying is, you're not getting details-not detailed details anyway. If you're anything like I am and, like most people, I assume most people are like I am, this is just fine with you."

Refreshing and romantic and yet you feel every minute of the time they're together. Don't get me wrong, it's not all Amish level action. There is a scene with one of the antagonists that is less subtle, but it is not the focus and is tastefully handled by the author.

To quote the book, "it is definitely on the list of perfect things. You know what I mean, the list that includes the starry sky over the desert, grilled cheese sandwiches, The Great Gatsby, the Chrysler building, Ella Fitzgerald singing, "It Don't Mean a Thing (If You Ain't Got That Swing)," white peonies, and those little sketches of hands by Leondardo da Vinci." Would that we all would take author Sarah Ban Breathnach's advice and "excavate our authentic selves". What is on your list of perfect things?

(I suppose to be fair to that other book, I should include here that this book does have some obscenity in it as well. I think I counted the f-word seven times and the misuse of the names of God and the Savior a number of times. Although I think obscenity is never appropriate, I found it considerably less offensive in this book because the characters who were using it were usually incensed about something, as opposed to just casually slipping it in, accomplishing nothing but the muddying of the English language and it's accepted vernacular.)

I would recommend this book to the well-read and the lover of romances. I think it is my new favorite book of all time. I am re-reading it now at a slower pace to be sure that is an accurate statement. Even if it turns out not to be, it is DEFINITELY up there. I don't think it is a book that will ever be a best-seller and I noticed that it only had an average rating on Goodreads of 3.87 or something close to that but I believe this is because the vocabulary and the literary references are too advanced to appeal to the masses.

The one and only problem I had with the book was that I truly had to suspend reality when it came to the character Clare, an 11 year-old girl with a working vocabulary- and at times an intellect- superior to anyone I met at college. I was able to overlook Clare because, to me, Cornelia (the adult in the book) is the most real person I have ever read on the page.

Read this book. Or don't- but if you don't I think you're missing out.

All On His Own

2008-01-30T07:33:00.000-08:00

Teaching our kids self reliance has always been very important to us. Probably because we are both first-borns, doing stuff for ourselves is something that we both put a high value on. With the exception of letting the babies feed themselves in the high chair, I encourage our children to do anything for themselves that they can. (Once I got past 2 kids I just couldn't stand the high chair/floor/wall/kid mess every meal. Especially with Monster Truck(2) as he truly believed for almost a full year that the reason God put hair on his head was so he'd have a nice abrasive surface to clean off his hands with. I could be standing there with a washcloth wiping one hand and he would still be carefully cleaning the other hand on the top of his head.)

The results of our children's independence are sometimes funny, (Mr. Yuke(4) putting his jeans on backwards so he's walking around with a fly on his bum all day long) and sometimes scary. (The Pinkiest(5) recently "learned" to put her own ponytails in her hair and is now refusing help. The knots around her rubber bands make me cringe when I see them but she is so proud of herself she won't even consider letting me adjust them.) Most of the time they do great. Our kids make their own lunches (the three older ones), make their own beds (some of you may not think this is a big deal, but I can't tell you how many moms I know who make their kids' beds every day), and sort their own laundry. They also each help make dinner one night a week. I have to admit that this is the one that I find the most challenging. Anyway, all this self-reliance gives them a lot of confidence. They all feel very capable no matter what the situation. Such was the case the other day.

Monster Truck(2) decided he was hungry and would like a snack. Without mentioning anything about it to me, he went down to the kitchen, pulled a chair over to the pantry, got down the Kix cereal and proceeded to fix himself a bowl. See that white stuff? It's not milk.

Did I mention he REALLY likes sugar?

Eating Crow

2008-01-28T20:58:00.001-08:00

Well, good. I'm glad that the hometown rag covered that story. I must say I am very surprised. That publication has come up the tiniest bit in my esteem. Not all the way out of loathing, but up a little nonetheless.

What You Didn't Hear About

2008-01-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

I can't stand it anymore. It needs to be said. The news is worthless. And not just that ridiculous newspaper in Tracktown either.

Two weeks ago, a U.S. Border Patrol Agent was killed while on the job. You did not hear about this. Even the local news where it happened refused to cover the story. Here is what happened. Border Agents were pursuing illegal aliens who are known drug runners south. There was an extensive high speed chase. When an agent further south finally got out of his car to throw down the spike strips (used to stop a car in a high speed chase-) the agent was run over by the illegal aliens. IN A HUMMER. And they didn't even swerve. The bad guys got away. And you didn't hear a word about it.

Last week, a U.S. Border Patrol agent shot an illegal alien. Headlines all screamed out against him and the terrible tragedy of it all. If anyone bothered to read all the fine print, he had made a vehicle stop and was standing on the side of the truck when the illegal aliens took off. He was caught on the truck and was dragged for 20 feet before firing a single shot into the driver's leg, obviously NOT trying to kill him. This was highly publicized.

Does anyone else see the glaring one-sidedness and injustice here?

I Have A Dream

2008-01-25T10:29:00.000-08:00

At the start of every new year, our family spends one of our family home evenings reviewing and making goals. We go over our family long term goals, assess how we did the previous year on our family short term goals, and set new short term family goals for the current year depending on what we need to work on. (e.g.- prepare for church on Saturday, etc. Have you ever tried to get six kids dressed and out the door? It takes at least 48 hours.) We put all of the long- and short-term goals on a poster that we put up on the dining room wall where everyone can see it. We then are able to review our progress every few weeks. Those of you who knew me from way back when- aren't you impressed? Who new I had a left half to my brain? Anyway, after discussing the family goals, each member of the family also chooses one personal goal to work on for the year. We hope that it will be something geared toward self-improvement (e.g.- The Pinkiest chose getting up on time in the morning for this year), but sometimes it is a skill we would like to acquire. (Potty-training, shoe-tying, etc.)

This year, Little Mommy(9) chose learning to ice skate as her personal goal which I felt was a stretch and I suspect is just a ploy to get some recreational time without having to earn it by getting her chores done. We let it go because we want to be supportive and not discourage the kids from setting goals for themselves- in spite of the nature of her choice.

We went down the line asking each child what their goal would be for this year. When we got to Mr. Yuke(4), he didn't have one in mind. Husband suggested learning to ride a bike without training wheels. Mr. Yuke(4) jumped up and said breathlessly and with reverence, "Ok. But when I grow up, I want to be-

a baker of chicken burritos."

The Jane Austen Book Club

2008-01-23T10:37:00.000-08:00

by Karen Joy Fowler. Maybe you've heard of it? It was just released as a major motion picture. Those of you who've been reading the blog for a while know my stance on screen adaptations so I read the book this weekend. I have not DISLIKED a book so much since 6th grade when Mr. Percy ruined by spring break by forcing me to wade through 300 pages of politcally motivated talking bunnies. There is not enough I can say about how much I did not enjoy this book, but here is a start.

A Little to the Left
If I were in a ballroom filled with hundreds of people and this author, I feel almost certain I would not meet another person who so totally disagrees with my personal view of the world. This book is extremely politically "correct". The characters are a smattering of mid-20's to mid-60's women, only one of whom needs a man- and this is passed off as acceptable because she and her husband are a mixed latina-caucasian marriage. One woman is homosexual and the author states that this is due to "a genetic code" as if this is a proven fact. The only main character who is a man is made pc by the emasculinization of him in a flashback to his childhood in which he is for the hundredth time helpless and he comes to the realization that he will rely on his big sisters to rescue him in any situation for the rest of his life. The author ends the account with the statement that, "no one who'd known Grigg since infancy could have doubted he was born to be a heroine." (Italics added.) This leaves the question of his sexual orientation dubious until the end of the book when he hooks up with one of the women.

Of the other two men who appear in the book, one is the evil-husband-who-leaves, and the other is the perfect husband who is not really wanted or needed but is a nice thing to have. Yuck. To think there are all these men in this country who experienced such a serious lapse in judgement and had the audacity to be born white, masculine men. The nerve. Let's punish them.

Also, the author is preachy about other leftist issues including such things as the environment. I quote, "A few shells were washed over at the water's edge, small and perfect, but everyone was too ecologically well behaved to pick these up." (Italics added.) Would someone please mind telling me when it became bad for the environment to pick up seashells at the beach?

Literally Speaking
For those of you my friends who stand far to the left of me and Dr. Laura, I want to explain why this book is still garbage even if you share the author's political opinions. First of all, there is almost no plot. None.

Second of all, the women are snotty, pretentious, and clearly think they are superior to men. There is a scene in the book in which the characters openly mock a published author at a fundraiser dinner after he comments that, "I don't read much women's stuff. I like a good plot." This is written as a blunder of conversation and the women very unlikeably and condescendingly make him pay for it for the rest of the evening. (It reminded me of Lady Catherine in Pride and Prejudice when she begins criticizing Elizabeth Bennet's performance at the pianoforte by saying, "I never learned to play the pianoforte, but if I had learnt, I should be a true proficient.")

It is possible that the author may have written the nearly plotless book as a nod to Jane Austen. Many critics contend that nothing happens in her books. I believe this shows great ignorance. So much happens in them that when made into a good movie it has to be six hours long. Not only that, but even holding to the argument that Austen's characters move about very little in their humdrum lives, you still care about them deeply. The author of The Jane Austen Book Club did not achieve this in spite of the enormous effort she put into writing them each a tragic backstory. There is not enough of a now-story for you to care or not care. Their background stories- which take up 3/4 of the book, are for the most part, those moments in our lives that each of us are most ashamed of and which, if given a chance, we would go back and change. They are not very likeable people and as I was reading, I kept hoping that all the unpleasant histories of these people would somehow either be overcome or that they would be better people in the end because of their experiences with the books or each other. Not so. While one or two may have found minimal happiness in spite of their previous experiences, the attention the author gives this is so miniscule in comparison to the long drawn out accounts of misery, that it affords the reader almost no satisfaction at all. The compensation for wading through all their personal garbage is too little to make it worth it. I think the author must be aware of this on some level because at the end of the book one of her characters thinks to herself, "What if you had a happy ending and didn't notice? Sylvia made a mental note. Don't miss the happy ending." It's that obscure.

A couple of the characters use the f-word a lot. (I stopped counting at 11 times.) I suspect that the author was trying to make this a literary device to denote the demarcation between the younger and older generations, but this distinction was unnecessary, distracting, and added nothing to their already established personalities. It was extraneous and offensive.

You all know I am the queen of throwing out random quotations and movie references mid-conversation. And yet, when the author unashamedly steals phrases from Jane Austen, speaking of her characters without giving the credit to Austen by the use of quotation marks or in any other way (e.g.- "It put her in mind of something...", and a hundred other turns of phrase that are period-derived syntax) I found it very grating. I think she did this intentionally to illustrate how much the books permeated the characters' lives, but it came off as contrived and pompous. (Look at me! Look at me! I'm writing like Jane Austen!)

The hands-down most irritating thing about the writing in The Jane Austen Book Club was the perspective it was written from. It is third person omniscient so the narrator knows what everyone is thinking, yet it is written in the first person so the narrator is repeatedly saying, "WE" did this and "WE" thought that. The narrator is never identified as any one of the characters and in the end the best the reader can do is to assume the narrator is some nebulous collective psyche. The other alternative is that the narrator is Jane Austen herself, since she is the only other "person" there who is not one of the main characters- but if that was the intention, it was unclear and presumptuous.

Reviews
Patricia T O'Connor of The New York Times Book Review said of this book,
"This exquisite novel is bigger and more ambitious than it appears... Fowler's shrewdest, funniest fiction yet, a novel about how we engage with a novel. You don't have to be a student of Jane Austen to enjoy it, either...Lovers of Austen will relish this book, but I envy any reader who comes to it unfamiliar with her. There's no better introduction."

Wow. I don't even know where to start. What a load of crap. Sorry. But it's true. If this not-funny-at-all book is her funniest, pity the reader who's read any of her other work. I am a lover of Jane Austen books and I did not enjoy this at all. The book discussions were minimal and they assumed you have a working knowledge and memory of every single one of the books. Not only that, but the people trail in and out of points they're making as if you, the reader, are expected to be able to finish their thoughts on your own, they are so obvious to the author. Anyone who has not read at least some of the books will be lost during every book discussion the club has. To say "there's no better introduction" to Jane Austen is tantamount to saying, "Hey. I found some old rotton produce at the bottom of the vegetable bin. Let's serve that as the appetizer to all our guests. Then when we bring out the main course they will be REALLY excited to dig in." Please. I hope that nobody anywhere reads this before reading Austen's own works. I would hate to think that they would forever have this book associated with her books. In short, I would not recommend this book to anyone. At all. Ever.

Eclipses

2008-01-22T05:34:00.000-08:00

Well, the D&C went fine. No complications. It was a bizarre experience. HOURS of waiting to get in and then in a second it was over and I was waking up. Anesthesia is very strange. If you've had it, you know what I'm talking about. If not, you'll just have to take my word for it.

My little happy pills seem to be kicking in. That is a very good thing. I have felt like getting up and getting dressed the last couple days. I started feeling yesterday like I wanted to clean the house so I'm planning to actually do something today. I feel a little less numb all the time.

The funeral for Grandma went well. It was nice and we made it there and back without weather trouble on the road. Any grief I might have felt at the loss of this good woman who lived a very full life was completely overshadowed by my grief over the loss of my baby. I had a weird sensation of just sort of floating through the motions while we were there.

Father-in-Law is now in the hospital in That Place They Took Her To Be Buried. Turns out that in addition to the blood clots he has a major infection and has to have his galbladder removed. There is some additional risk with the procedure due to another condition he has. Husband is really worried, and I'm worried for him. I sat wondering yesterday just how much more could happen this month.

"Thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but for a small moment, and if thou endure it well..."

Happy day. All is well.

The Verdict Is Out

2008-01-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for your kind words, thoughts, and prayers. Your encouragement and support are greatly appreciated. We went for our first official prenatal appointment today when they give you all the papers about what to do if such-and-such happens, and a gift bag full of useless crap and coupons, etc. When the doctor went to listen for a heartbeat she couldn't find one. She sent us down to ultrasound where we discovered that baby A's heart has stopped beating. I am going to the hospital tomorrow morning for a D&C and hopefully will recover soon. My heart will certainly take much longer to heal than my reproductive system. Such a roller coaster ride to think- they're not fine, they are fine, one is not fine, the other is doing great, the other has died. I am exhausted. Thank goodness for anti-depressants which I am starting immediately after my surgery. Keep us in your prayers. We'll probably need them for the next little while.

Love to you all.

Verdict Is In

2008-01-08T09:32:00.000-08:00

We will be having just one baby. That's all I have to say about that at this time.

Husband's grandmother may be leaving this world to be reunited with her husband. I am leaving right now to pick my kids up from school to drive down to where she is in the hospital to say goodbye. Road conditions are safe at the moment but a big storm is coming in tonight and your prayers for our safe return would be appreciated.

Which candidate do you agree with?

2008-01-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

Here is a really cool link that I think is totally worth the three minutes of your time it will take. It is a short survey on current issues and your opinion on how important the issues are. When you finish taking the quiz (it's REALLY short), it compares your answers with all of the presidential candidates and lists all of them in order of how much they agree with you. I thought it was extremely interesting and I hadn't even heard of one of these guys. The site is legit- it's a t.v. news station's page. Go check it out!
http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460

The Donzerlee Light

2008-01-01T12:46:00.000-08:00

I love New Year. It is one of my favorite holidays. This is for two reasons:

I get to have a big party with lots of food which is not obligatory (read: Thanksgiving). Planning parties is my favorite.
It's a good chance to start out fresh. For example: I have said my morning prayer every day this entire year. Sounds encouraging, doesn't it? Try one.

Our party last night was so much fun. Brother, Cute Sister, and Slugger Jr.(3) sent us a movie kit for Christmas. It had a whole bunch of boxes of movie candy, mini microwave popcorn bags, tickets which read "admit one to [Aberjaber] family movie night", and the DVD of "Surf's Up". So last night we brought the t.v., dvd player, and the wii down from the playroom to the living room. We moved the furniture around and we watched the movie. After it was over, we ate a ton of other party food and played the wii for almost two hours. We had a great time. Mostly.

It used to be our policy that just the older kids got to stay up until midnight. We would send the younger kids to bed around 9:00 when they felt like they'd stayed up really late and were super tired anyway. This was a good plan. Unfortunately, nobody informed the little kids of the details. See, we'd send them to bed and they would get up. Every ten minutes. All night long. They would sneak ever so subtlely (like a stampeding herd of buffalo) to some vantage point where they could witness the goings on of the party until they were sent back to bed. Again. So this year, we decided to just extend them an official invitation to the party rather than deal with Bedtime Tourette's all night long. Mr. Yuke(4) was particularly thrilled about this. All day he kept talking about how he was going to stay up UNTIL TOMORROW!!! I kept telling him that it would still be dark and that he would have to go bed as soon as the party was over. He looked a little confused by this the seventeen times we had this conversation but he always agreed with me. At midnight we did crackers, toasted the new year, and exchanged hugs- then I promptly banished them all to bed so Husband and I could play some serious wii. The other children went right away, happy to have stayed up so late and have so much fun. Mr. Yuke(4), however, was LIVID.

Mr. Yuke(4): "YOU SAID I COULD STAY UP TIL TOMORROW!!! YOU SAID I COULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! I WANT TO WATCH SUPERMAN!!!"

Me: "Honey, it is tomorrow. It's the new year. It's after midnight. Remember when I said it would still be dark?"

Mr. Yuke(4): "BUT IT IS NOT MORNING!!!"

Me: "You need to go to bed. I love you. Goodnight."

Husband: "Goodnight, [Mr. Yuke(4)]. I love you."

Mr. Yuke(4): LOUDLY under his breath- "This is NOT what I signed up for."

I don't know where he gets that stuff from. So funny! Anyway, in spite of Mr. Yuke(4) melting down as only he can, and Monster Truck(2) throwing up at about 10:30, we had a really good time. I hope you all rang in the new year as cheerfully. Good luck with your resolutions!