Guess We Let the Cat Out of the Bag

Little Mommy(10) is playing soccer and I am so excited to do all the soccer-mom stuff I've been missing for the last couple of years. We went to the sporting goods store a few days ago and got her everything she is going to need. (Cleats, shin guards, socks, extra socks, ball, bag to carry her stuff, etc.) Then the other kids talked me into a bat, 3 baseballs, 1 rubber ball, and some other stuff. Husband knew we were getting shoes and shinguards but the rest was going to be a little bit of a tough sell once we got home. The kids and I have had a wonderful time playing through the last few days. I had asked LittleMommy(10) not to tell him about the extra stuff until I had the chance to tell him myself. Then I forgot so he got the news by seeing the stuff she had with her at Bubba's cubscout pack meeting last night. Oops. Guess the cat is out of the bag. He was only slightly annoyed with me so that was good.

Yesterday at Bubba's(8) cubscout Pack Meeting Little Mommy(10) found a kitty in a tree and she rescued it. This is great news outside of the fact that I am not only allergic to cats, but a dedicated hater of them as well. Husband joins me in my passionate dislike for all things feline. We just aren't cat people. When I saw LittleMommy(10) carrying that cat around I told her it was very cute but that she needed to put it down, go home, put her clothes straight into the washer, and take a shower so that I could go home eventually. She jumped up and started for home right away like the obedient child that she is. Oh- except for the part when she stuffed the cat into her brand-new soccer bag and smuggled it home with her. Once she reached home she realized the best thing to do would be to stow the kitty away in the garage so that she could love it and keep it and call it George or something. Under a plastic 5-gallon bucket. With a table set on top for good measure. (Wouldn't want the kitty to breathe or maybe grow opposable thumbs and then get away. It might starve in the event that the countryside runs out of mice or voles. And then what would we do? One less cat in the world.) Lucky for Skimbleshanks he mews VERY LOUDLY and Husband figured out what was going on about two minutes after the benevolent imprisonment commenced. Kitty was set free but not before he became permanently attached to the residence. This situation was not improved when ThePinkiest(6) got out one of my best dishes and gave the willing captive a drink on the porch. Mr.Buttons hung around for three or four more hours after that. I ended up having to leave the premises while my sweet babboo de-hair/de-dandered the house, kids, clothes, and brand-new soccer bag. Ahhhhh LittleMommy(10). Stinkin' Little Punk. : )

Literally. You smell like cat. : )

NOTICE: IF YOU ARE MISSING YOUR CUTE LITTLE FUZZY KITTY, WE DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT. OH- SORRY TOO.

A FFA He Is Not

On Agriculture~

A WHILE BACK-

Mr.Yuke(5): Cows are in the milk group because they have milk in their tummies, huh mom? BUT, they're ALSO in the meat group cuz they're made out of meat. RIGHT?


THE NEXT DAY-

Mr.Yuke(5): Rabbits live on a farm cuz THEY give us carrots.


TODAY-

Mr.Yuke(5): How come we eat chickens? Cuz we just eat them AFTER they squeeze the eggs.


I'm thinking chickens may want to look into Hypnobirthing.

Spray Tans Never Looked So Good

as they do on the Wolf Pack. Drool.




Have a nice day.

The Truth About Cupid

Mr. Yuke(5) came to us this year and asked us straight out, "Dad. I want to know. Now TELL ME THE TRUTH; DOES the Easter Bunny exist?"
Us: Well, what do you think?
Mr.Yuke(5): I think it's YOU GUYS.
Us: Hmmm.... Well-
Mr.Yuke(5): Yeah. I knew it. And Santa Claus is you too.
Me: Ok. Yes. You're very smart. (He's only a baby!!!) : ( But remember the fun you had all the years you were little and you believed they were real?
Mr.Yuke(5): Yeah.
Me: Well, wouldn't it be fun for MonsterTruck(3) and Kryptonite(2) to get to believe that when they're little too?
Mr.Yuke(5): Yeah...?
Me: So it really wouldn't be nice to tell them and take that fun away. WOULD IT?. So if you do, the Easter Bunny will not bring you ANYTHING.
Mr.Yuke(5): Ok.
He goes upstairs.
Approximately 27 seconds later-
ThePinkiest(6): MOM!!!! DAD!!!! IS IT TRUE THAT YOU GUYS ARE THE EASTER BUNNY CUZ THAT'S WHAT MR.YUKE(5) SAID!!!
Us: Well, what do you think?
ThePinkiest(6) deep in thought: Are you Santa Claus too?
Us: What do you think?
ThePinkiest(6): DOES THIS MEAN THERE IS NO CUPID?!!!!
Us: ??????

Don't worry, honey. You'll still fall in love one day. I promise.

My Triumphant Return to the Internet

may not be so triumphant. Health problems (as usual). Testing being done. Details forthcoming. Suspense is killing me. Maybe other stuff too. More later, hopefully not MUCH later.

Her Morning Elegance

My very gifted friend, PhotoGirlFromCanada posted this fun video on her blog a few months ago. I watch it all the time and thought you all should too. It's only about 3 mintues and so much fun to watch. Enjoy!

My Return to the Internet

We are almost finished fixing our computer. I can FINALLY get online again!!! More to come soon....

PARTY! PARTY! PARTY!: Cumpleanos Gigantes '09!

This week was in.sane. What with all the commotion and full-term pregnancy and whatnot at the end of last year I thought it would be a good idea to celebrate LittleMommy's(10) and Mr.Yuke's(5) birthdays when things calmed down a little bit. They were good sports and agreed to this. Unfortunately, things calmed down all at the same time. I should win some kind of mommy award or something. Oh wait- I sort of did. Someone saw my MOPRAH contest entry on SeriouslySoBlessed and took pity on me, offering free baby pictures after reading my pathetic plea for stuff. Only now I feel really stupid. : ) That's ok though. I'm not going to let it stand between me and the free stuff. Anyway-

Thursday we had Mr.Yuke's(5) "birthday" party. He decided he wanted "a toaster waffle breakfast party." ("!!!!!") (He has the most interesting notions.) He invited 9 friends over to "eat toaster waffles and have a pinata and watch Speed Racer and pin the #5 on Mach 5". A good time was had by all and there was a minimum of syrup on the floor. Good thing since it was the first day of Cumpleanos Gigantes '09.

Friday we had Bubba's(8) party. He wanted to have a Jedi party again with 9 friends. I didn't think I could deal with 15 Jedis in my oh-so-tiny house, all whacking and flailing in true Jedi fashion. I discussed this with MyBeautiful. She suggested a pinata the boys could beat with their light sabers instead of each other. (I've mentioned before that she is amazing.) I settled on this idea and ordered a Darth Vader pinata. I convinced Bubba(8) that it would be REALLY FUN to have a "Jedi battle on the ice-planet Hoth" party. This would involve a battle to defeat the Empire OUTSIDE in the snow. Everyone could bring their sleds and hopefully no one would need stitches or anything. He agreed and so that's what we did. After sledding, the kids came in for hot chocolate and made their own personal pizzas. They opened presents while the pizzas baked, had dinner and then did the pinata. They watched Return of the Jedi for a while, had cake and ice cream and went home with glow stick "light sabers". It was a great party. (Thanks, MyBeautiful!)

Saturday we had LittleMommy's(10) party. She opted for a makeover night complete with teenybopper chick-flick ("Another Cinderella Story"~ a Disney channel original movie) and takeout Chinese food. We started with dinner served on china but eaten off of bee-yoo-tee-ful party plates and cups. After they had finished eating and had devoured two fortune cookies each, the 5 girls were each given a tub with towel, marbles, nail brush, water bottle, and nail buffing cube. While we watched the movie, we did foot soaks and then the girls got to choose between mani's and pedi's. I ended up doing fingers for three and toes for two. We did the works from sugar scrubs, hand soaks and cuticle treatments to footscrub that proved to be way too ticklish for little girls, and a soothing foot moisturizer. ; ) For the manicures I found this great cuticle oil that smells like cranberry. It was a huge hit. While I worked on hands and feet MyBeautiful did hair and makeup. She is an angel, that one. I had made arrangements with a professional beautician to come and do up-do's but she called me in the afternoon saying that she was sick in bed and would be unable to attend. MyBeautiful rescued me and saved the party, bringing all her stuff to do up the girls. (LOVE YOU!!!) After the movie/makeovers were finished, we had build-your-own ice cream sundaes- complete with the works including homemade hot fudge sauce and toasted coconut. It was a great party and LittleMommy's(10) friends had fun.

Sunday I recooperated and Monday I got the house ready to host my book group tonight. Tomorrow I think I'll shop for snow pants. After all, I've got my birthday ski trip planned for this weeked.... : ) Maybe in February I'll rest.

Need Some Ideas Here

I'm lookin' for great ideas for Girls' Night. Keep in mind we're a buncha Mormon mommies needing some escape that DOESN'T include booze, gambling, or debauchery.

Food From the 70's

Does anyone still actually eat sloppy joes? I remember when I was a kid living in a military brat location, my dad was gone for long periods of time. During these times we would spend most of our free moments with Mom's best friend and her kids. The kids were the same age as Brother and me and we had tons of fun together. During those long days of playing and fun, I remember three particular food items that we had fairly often. (Insert Mr. Burns-type shudder here.) They were: carrot and raisin coleslaw made with miracle whip, KFC from a KFC where they didn't understand how occasionally that oil in the fryers should be changed. I can still smell the air around that place. and (drumroll please) sloppy joes. (Insert second Mr. Burns-type shudder here.)



Brother and I never liked sloppy joes. I think it was about the time my father left us for good (when I was 5 or 6) that I put my foot down and informed my mother how we would not be eating them any more. Ever. (She must not have liked them either because we never ate them again. Not one single time in all the years I lived at home- no matter how tight the grocery budget got. I mean- there's just some things you DON'T DO.) I honestly grew up thinking that sloppy joes were one of those things like fruicake; it is generally accepted that nobody likes/wants them. So I was surprised to find them on the menu not once, but twice in the last two months of 2008 in varying circumstances.


The first time we were served them (in November), they caught my unsuspecting children by surprise. Because why would anyone actually on purpose serve something that tastes like/has the consistency of- sloppy joes? Hee hee. : ) Oh their faces! Priceless. I felt so bad for the sweet lady who was feeding us. She had volunteered to cook for our family as we were coming and going to/from the hospital. I am so grateful for her kind service and as we sat down to eat, I prayed that my children would be kind in their inevitable censure. She had cooked a pot of- what?- Slop? Sloppy?- large enough to feed a village in Africa for like- ten years, and she was expecting it all to go. Even if we were sloppy joe fans, I don't think we could have made a dent in the amount that was there. I started eating, feeling terrible for all the ways this sweet lady was about to get insulted. My children then surprised me by using the best manners possible. They politely tried to gag down some bites with almost no audible complaints. I was proud to be a momma that day. The lady was visibly distressed at the GALLONS- I am not making this up- of sloppy she had left over, but hey. I was picking my battles.


The second time sloppy joes graced our table, just a few short weeks later, the kids were wise to the situation. It was battlestations. The short people took their places around the table with set and determined faces and I was sure I must be reliving some scene that had played out between Brother, Mother, and me a few decades earlier. I took a deep breath, ready to begin fighting the onslought of complaints that was now so close it was palpably hanging in the air around us, when Mr. Yuke(5) straggled to the gathering. He took one look and the call to arms rang out of his mouth before he was even in his seat:


"Oh NO!!! NOT slobbery joes!!!!"



And there it was. The battle was over before it started. As we gagged down our few obligatory bites we all laughed hysterically and discussed how neither Husband or I had ever liked slobbery joes either. (Fortunately our benefactor for this second meal was not present for its consumption. Or lack thereof. Whatever.) It seems Mother-In-Law had stopped serving sloppy joes at Husband's house about the same time Mom did at ours.





So here's my question: Did your mother stop serving slobbery joes when Regan got elected too? Or did you actually have to eat them in the 80's as well? Was there some mass slop shortage that caused the disappearance of slobbery joes for three decades, only for them to reappear now? And how do we REPEAT that? I really want to know here people, so just throw up your answers on the poll in the sidebar (ha ha ha!!! That was an excellent but completely unintentional play on words. : ))

"Sloppy Joes and Cut Fruit" by Atardrac, found at Flickr.com

Where's My Alice? -In a Nutshell

Sea-ing the World Around Us

Santa always brings the kids their very own actual bottle of shampoo every year. Shampoo and toothpaste. These are great stocking stuffers if you have more than two kids (two or less are not so nearly impressed by the "having my OWN" concept). If you're going to give that stuff though, you have to start the tradition before they are old enough to realize how lame it is. This year, each child got a different color bottle of shampoo (so as to avoid the inevitable bloodbath that identical bottles would initiate. ("That's MINE!" "NO! IT'S MINE!" "NO IT'S NOT! IT'S HERS!!!" "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?!" "BECAUSE I SAW MONSTER TRUCK(3) POUR YOURS INTO THE TOILET!" Me: "THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM?!" "I don't know"....)) Anyway, this year everyone got their own flavor in a bottle that is their favorite color. Last week the kids were all comparing scents on shower night. ("Mine smells like berries." "Mine smells like bananas." "Well MINE smells like watermelon.") Monster Truck(3), desperate to jump in and not be left out of the conversation, grabbed his bottle, quickly checked the cartoon picture on the outside, and reported, "Mine smells like dolphins! I love the smell of dolphins. It smells like dolphins, that's why it haves a dolphin. It smells good!" (Just to be clear, the shampoo smells like tangerines. Santa was so busy picking out different color shampoo bottles that Santa didn't notice this particular shampoo is for after SWIMMING- hence the dolphin. Oops.)



Mr.Yuke(5) informed me a couple months back (and several times since then as he's carefully tested his theory-) that the sun (and incidentally also the moon) follows him. Because everywhere he goes, the sun goes. I'm sorry for all of you people who apparently dwell in perpetual darkness because you are not where he is. Anyway, the other night we watched the full moon rise as we drove down the freeway. It was beautiful. (The moon was closer to the earth that night than it will be for the next 2 years.) A little while later when the moon was up higher in the sky, ThePinkiest(6) commented that it was now closer to us than it had been before. Try as I might, I could not convince her that the mo0n was the same distance away as it always is. She knew that I was wrong. Mr.Yuke(5) confirmed her suspicion, thus: "Yeah. It is closer. That's because it saw ME."



2008 was icky. Not just for me, but for a lot of people. In general, I try to be a glass-is-half-full type of person. I avoid activities that make me have a more negative outlook, such as watching the news or having any contact with my dad. It seems though that no matter how I look at it- overall, 2008 stunk. Not just for me. It was a pretty cruddy year for a lot of people. Last year I mentioned that I LOVE the new year- fresh start and all that. As I was pondering the approach of 2009 and cleaning out my closet, I discovered my gratitude journal. This is a book I started four years ago when I was trying really hard to "bloom where I was planted" in That Place I Used To Live, a place which I did not like. The concept of the gratitude journal is simple enough. At the end of the day I write a minimum of 3 things I'm grateful for that day. Some days here at Not Quite the Bradys finding THREE things can be quite challenging. On those days I have written things like- "I'm grateful I could make myself write in this stupid journal."- but I always write in it, no matter what and most days I have plenty to write about. Well, I did I should say. It appears that I sort of stopped writing in it when I lost Baby B, and with the loss of Baby A last January, I just forgot all about it. I had not thought of the gratitude journal once the whole year until I stumbled across the book while doing my get-ready-for-a-new-and-improved-year cleanout. As I was trying to remember the last time I wrote in it, I started thinking that although the events of 2008 were irrefutably bad, my experience probably would have been better had I focused on my blessings more. My New Year's Resolution then, is this: I will try to be more focused on the sweet things in life. I will try to remember the things that matter. Things like: even dolphins smell amazing through the nose of a three-year-old; Santa Claus is real even if he DOES bring toothpaste; and God loves me so much He made the sun follow me wherever I go.

It's going to be a good year. : )

Turtlenecks, PLEASE

We sat down to dinner on Sunday night and Husband asked everyone to share with the family one thing they had learned at church, just like we always do. When we got to Mr.Yuke(5), he said, "I don't know."
Me: You don't remember? Well how were your new teachers?
Mr.Yuke(5): I don't remember. BUT! GUESS!WHAT!?"
Husband: What?
Mr.Yuke(5): My teacher wears shirts that show her boobs!
Husband and me trying to frown disapprovingly at this possibility while not saying anything in response so as not to turn "boobs" into a hot dinner topic for the next fortnight.
Me: Hmm.
Mr.Yuke(5): It comes all the way down to here and they just stick right out.
(I will say in the woman's defense that she had a baby two days after I had T.Tiny(1m) and she is nursing so this was probably not her fault. I'm sure she is a very modest woman.)
Me looking at LittleMommy(10): And THAT is why we dress modestly. When you don't, people NOTICE.

Happy Days Are Here Again

Finally something nice to say!

Our sweet baby was born about two weeks ago, give or take, and she's beautiful! 6 lbs, 6 oz, 19 inches long, and a teeny tiny head, bless her. : )

Thank you all for your kind love/prayers/comments/thoughts. They have all been so appreciated. If I didn't publish your comments it's because you used my real actual name.

I am hoping to get back to blogging after the first of the year. Mr. Yuke(5) is still keeping us supplied with lots of good material. : )

In Loving Memory

My Father-in-law passed away Thursday morning, about 12:15 am. His funeral will be held next Thursday in that place where he lived. Thank you all for your prayers and kind words of support through these trying times. I'm really beginning to look forward to this baby (4 more weeks and counting!), if only to have some GOOD news to share for a change.

UPDATE

Grandad passed away night before last. He seems to have gone as peacefully as could be expected.

Father-in-law is in the ICU in critical but stable condition. He was supposed to see a specialist tomorrow about getting his gallbladder removed but I guess that will have to wait now. The procedure is high-risk because he has NASH syndrome and the possibility of knicking the liver during the surgery is highly dangerous.

He has severe dehydration, a urinary tract infection which has spread so that his blood is septic, liver failure, kidney failure, low blood pressure which is being medicinally raised, and he has been intebated due to a build-up of fluid in his lungs. Any prayers on behalf of our family would be appreciated.

One Nation Under GOD

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word 'God' is mentioned....

Supposedly a 15 year old kid in Arizona wrote the following:

NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.
It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,
We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the school's a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen

Cake Wrecks

TOO FUNNY! It's really short and worth the extra clicks.

http://eliandkara.blogspot.com/2008/09/were-infectious-but-laughing.html

MAYHEM

I said I wouldn't blog about negative stuff but I'm not very good at finding the silver linings I guess so I have dropped off the face of the earth. Here is the laundry list. I keep thinking when I get a little distance/perspective I'm going to see so clearly how it was all for the best.

• FLOOD (AND OTHER VARIOUS LANDLORD PROBLEMS. I QUOTE, "Well how much water is there?" ME: About three inches right now but it's still coming in really fast. "Oh, so it's not SIX inches. You don't need to call a plumber." NOT JOKING.)
• FIRE (the vacuum)
• STOLEN IDENTITY (when they say, "Illegal immigrants just want a better life.", ask them whose.) THE GUY BOUGHT A HOUSE WITH HUSBAND'S SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IN NOVEMBER
• GRANDAD HAS PANCREATIC AND PROSTATE CANCER
• DAD IS GETTING DIVORCED (NOT SURPRISING TO SOME OF YOU I KNOW BUT WHEN EVERYONE SAID HE'D CHANGED AND I SAID YEAH RIGHT, I REALLY WANTED TO BE WRONG.)
• I HAVE BRONCHITIS
• KIDS GOT FLU WHILE I WAS VISITING GRANDAD BEFORE MY OB PUTS THE BAN ON TRAVELING NEXT WEEK.

I'm hoping that things are going to settle down for a little while now and y'all will hear from me again.

To Save A Few Pennies

You get what you pay for.

I've always said it and I've always believed it. I think if you don't want to spend twelve dollars every single year on a toaster you should probably just spring for the fifty dollar one to begin with and have it last a decade. (That is of course unless you have a two-year-old.) Don't get me wrong. I shop the sales. I use coupons. I seek to be thrifty. But when it comes down to it, I still believe- you get what you pay for.

Monday my three older children headed off for their first day of school. (Wow. Listen to that angelic choir sing. ) Anyway, as soon as they were dropped off I headed to the city to go to what us country bumpkins like to refer to as "the mall". I had a coupon for Gymboree. Their clothes are really sturdy but also very expensive so I go there when they put everything on clearance and I have a coupon. Then the prices are almost but not quite as good as Target's. AND, the clothes there are not exclusively made in China which is a plus. The mall is a good 30-40 minute drive away and I wanted to get there early. I did. By early I mean that the stores didn't open until 40 minutes after I arrived. This presented a problem. See, I don't have the LUXURY of a double-stroller at the moment; something I have clearly taken for granted the last six years. (The stroller was a casualty in what we are calling The Despereaux Incident.) So I had Krptonite(1), MonsterTruck(3), Mr.Yuke(4), and a whole bunch of senior citizen mall walkers whom I had to keep from hurting each other for the better part of an hour without anything for the kids to do.

And that's when it hit me. That thing I had been waiting for had finally arrived. For those of you who live in places that have a sales tax, you know what always happens to the change section of your wallet after not too long. It becomes completely filled with pennies. Even if you try to spend them any chance you get, eventually the pennies will make it impossible to close your wallet anymore and you will hope that it is December so that you can give them all to the Salvation Army guy in exchange for three minutes of no-bell-ringing. My wallet has been in such a state for almost a month. Several times I started to empty it into my piggy bank (yes, I have a piggy bank- a real piggy-) but every time something stopped me. Somehow I knew there was something I was going to need those pennies for. And here it was. I could take the kids down to the mall pond by Macy's department store and we could throw in pennies until the store opened for business. Genius! (Yes, I actually had 40 minutes-worth of pennies in my wallet. Ah, the joy of sales tax.)

So we're throwing pennies. The boys are having a great time. They can't believe how fortune has smiled on them and they are getting to throw SO MANY PENNIES for SO LONG into the fountain pond thing. Even Kryptonite(1) who was sitting on my lap was getting into it. She hasn't really mastered throwing yet so most of her pennies ended up on the floor in front of me where the boys would scramble to be the first one to scavenger them. Occasionally hers would bounce into the water though, and this made her extremely happy.

Aim notwithstanding, she had good form. Her windup would have rivaled Paul Byrd. She meant business. On one of her bigger throws, she whipped that penny back all the way to my face, and then- she accidentally hooked my glasses and hurled them with her penny onto the floor. Unfortunately, this was one of those throws that had enough force behind it to bounce into the pond after hitting the tile.

Fortunately, the glasses landed where I could reach them if I got on my hands and knees and pulled up my sleeve and reached really far and hoped that while my face was turned away from her for 1.3 seconds she would not fall into the pond and drown. Remember those mall-walkers I mentioned? Yeah. I got several disapproving looks from them as they passed by, clearly not impressed with the hugely pregnant woman taking money (I WAS NOT!!!) out of the fountain. They tutted and averted their eyes and shot me second glances and crusty looks. I fished my glasses out and thank goodness did not have to catch any children in the process. I smiled at my children and was explaining how we NEVER put our arms into the pond except to reach our glasses and we don't touch the water and get back from the water please stop that right now- when I put on my glasses only to discover-

Remember when I said that my glasses BOUNCED into the pond right after they hit the tile? Well apparently, that collision caused the right lens to pop out, cuz- it just wasn't there. I looked all around the ground near the bench and the offending tile and everywhere within twenty feet. It wasn't anywhere. I KNEW it had to have landed in the water. GREAT.

The lens was completely invisible. I got back on my hands and knees, felt all around and searched with one eye/hand, while the other eye/hand tried to play lifeguard to a by-now extremely curious set of toddler/preschoolers. MonsterTruck(3) of course wanted to be extremely helpful and within 2.1 seconds he was laying on his belly with both arms in the water. That's when he noticed it. "Hey! There's money in here!" Um, yeah?

I palpated the bottom of the fountain every place I could reach for fifteen minutes and then realized I was going to have to resort to more extreme (and embarrassing) measures. I walked over to the Hallmark store and called to the employee through the gate. She looked at me with an insipid expression that seemed to say, "Um, are you like- stupid or something? Cause see that gate thingy? Yeah, that means like- WE'RE CLOSED." I said, "Hi. : ) I know you're not open yet, but could you please call mall security for me? My baby accidentally threw my glasses into the fountain and the lens popped out. I can't find it and I was wondering if they could turn the lights on in there?" She glared at me but she did call the maintenance guys who deal with this sort of thing.

We sat down on the bench again and waited for Mr.FountainPondRepairandMaintenanceMan for ten minutes. When he finally came he looked extremely harrassed, as if he was thinking, "Every day it's the same thing. You come to work and next thing you know you're fishing in the mall pond. If I had a dollar for every right lens I fished out of this stupid fountain, I could quit this glamorous line of work and follow my real dream of becoming a world-class figure skater...." He looked me up and down once, sighed and said, "Where did they fall in?" I pointed out the spot very specifically and then Mr.F. proceeded to use his pool skimmer ("shovel", according to MonsterTruck(3)) to scrape the bottom of the entire pond. Every single inch of it. Except for the 2 foot space I had pointed out. I actually paused to wonder if he was doing it on purpose just to make me wait longer because he was put out about having to leave the clogged toilet situation he was previously dealing with. I pointed out the area for a second, and then a third time but it was sort of like he had a blind spot. It didn't matter how many times I pointed out the area, he was not going to actually scrape the bottom of the pond there where I couldn't reach and my lens most likely was. He sat down on another bench across from me for a moment, heaved a big sigh, and said, "Wellp. There's only one other way." His gaze turned to a scowl as he began removing his work boots and socks and rolling up his pants. Okay, so maybe he wasn't ignoring me on purpose. Maybe he is just really dense.

I felt guilty now because it was obvious that he was very displeased at the turn of events from the looks he kept shooting at me and my children. The boys' eyes grew wide as they watched Mr.F. STEP DOWN INTO THE FOUNTAIN. You could see the wheels turning and I knew that from that moment on, for the rest of the years those boys live with me, I am going to be having to repeat to them each and every time we pass a fountain, "STAY OUT OF THE FOUNTAIN!!!! YES, I KNOW THE MAN DID IT ONCE BUT HE WAS A WORKER AND HE WAS HELPING ME AND YOU MAY NOT GET IN THERE!!!!!". It is going to be a long 16 years. : ) ("I just cleaned this fountain YESTERDAY." Um, sorry? Is my lens dirtying up the water that much?)

Well, Mr.F. walked the entire pond, feeling around with his foot. I cringed when he got to the area that I thought my lens could actually be in because, what was he thinking? That stepping on my lens was a better solution than not having one at all? But I did appreciate that he was actually in the correct vicinity for the first time in half an hour and had some little hope that he would find it.

He didn't. He emerged from the fountain at about the same time that MonsterTruck(3) realized how to remove the money from the fountain so that he could throw it back in. (Hey, at least he was occupied.) Mr.F. had me write down my name and number and said they would call me if they found it. I did so, telling him I was mostly worried because I live WAY OUT in the country and that's a long way to drive without being able to see.

Right about that time Mr.MaintenanceMan#2 came on the scene to join Mr.F. They conferred for a minute and then decided that if the lens was plastic maybe it floated away under the bridge to a different part of the fountain. They decided to try turning the fountain on to see if that would float the lens over to one side. They opened up some panel in the floor and fiddled with a lot of different controls, raising the water pressure in first one place, then another. Mr.F. was by this time CONVINCED that my lens was not actually in the pond at all and that it had somehow just evaporated. Mr.M#2 began scanning the floor around me and Mr.F. took the skimmer thing and scraped the bottom of the pond right in front of me one more time (actually, right there it was the FIRST time). As he did this Mr.M#2, with his hands held out as if he were about to stop a major car accident, shouted, "WAIT!!! I SEE IT!!!" (The mall stores had actually been open for quite some time by this point and his hollering attracted the stares of many unsuspecting shoppers.) Sure enough, right where I had pointed those three times that Mr.F. had either ignored me or did not understand what I was conveying about the pretty water, was my lens. Mr.F.: Well I SURE didn't feel that when I STEPPED there.

(And you thought God doesn't answer prayers. ( : )

Mr.F. handed me my lens and said with not a little malice in his voice, "If you go down to the optical shop we have here in the the mall they can TIGHTEN THAT UP for you." Me: Ha ha! Okay, thanks! REALLY, thank you so much for helping me. : ) He was annoyed enough that a "You're welcome" was quite out of the question. I have some nerve.

So, we gathered up our stuff and headed (FINALLY!) to Gymboree. So much for getting there early. Luckily, they weren't busy and they had just moved everything to clearance the day before when they got their new inventory in so there was tons of good stuff 20 and 40% off. I picked through the racks and racks of clothes and finally had my choices narrowed down to a couple shirts each for the boys and a few outfits for Kryptonite(1). I got up to the checkout counter pleased that I was going to be able to get the things I wanted to get last week, only now instead of paying full price, I would be getting 40% off AND I had that additional 20% off coupon I'd been saving. I pulled the mailer from my bag to tear out the coupon and my face fell. THAT STUPID THING EXPIRED AT THE END OF JULY. I am so glad I drove all the way to THE MALL in the CITY so that I could waste 400 pennies and an hour of my time apparently trying to scoop lunch money out of the fountain, so that I could save an extra 20% off the clearance price JUST TO FIND OUT MY COUPON IS EXPIRED!!!!! I needed a moment. The salesgirl asked me if I had any coupons today and I said, well yes, I thought I did but I JUST discovered it has expired. She smiled at me and said in a professional voice that if I came in on Thursday, everything in the store would be an additional 30% off. My head was about to explode. Um, okay. Can you hold these for me until then? She did and we went home to wait with anticipation (and dread) for our return trip to the mall.

So to save a few pennies, I threw away hundreds more and half a tank of gas and very nearly my glasses, but- you get what you pay for.

I'm expecting great things from these clothes.