People are Lard-Sucking Killers of the Earth

There. Now you don't have to waste any money seeing Wall*E.

One Less Way to Die

Kids are dangerous. I think they should come with a warning label for their potential level of danger and mayhem. Maybe on the DEFCON scale or something. Some kids would just be at DEFCON-1. Those are the kids who may throw their bowl of applesauce off the high chair tray once or twice and maybe occasionally poop in the bathtub. (Yes, that happens.) I'm thinking of Valenzoo's children here, and you, Dharma. ThePinkiest(5) was once in this category but she was upgraded last year to DEFCON-4.

DEFCON-2 are your kids who don't get themselves into trouble but if left there, will continue to roll off the bed hoping that this time gravity will not exist, even though they have tested this theory 500 times to date and are old enough to retain the results of all their previous experiments. [LittleMommy(9)]

DEFCON-3 are the kids who think they are invincible or that they have super powers. I'm talking specifically about Mr.Yuke(4) here. Did I ever blog about the time he thought he actually WAS Superman? If I did, I apologize for repeating it here.

This is what happened. The boys all share a room. Bubba(7) has the top bunk, a twin. Mr.Yuke(4) has the bottom bunk, a double. Across the room a few feet is MonsterTruck's(3) bed, a toddler. Well, Mr.Yuke had on his new Superman jammies and he was sure that those pj's were all he needed to attain all the powers of Krypton. He decided the best way to test his power would be with flight. Specifically, he would fly from a standing position on MonsterTruck's(3) bed UP TO Bubba's(7) bed. Really, as far as SuperHero flight patterns go, this really was a small and easily attainable first attempt. Well, he made the leap, fell short of his goal (the top bunk), and SMACKED his head on the metal edge of the bottom bunk. Ever seen a headwound? Yeah, they're messy. So after slowing down the bleeding I ascertained that Mr.Yuke(4)-(then 3) was going to need several stitches. I took him to the emergency room- and here is the part where he warrants the DEFCON-3 rating as opposed to just the accident-prone DEFCON-2: As the doctor was stitching him up, asking him all those slightly insinuating/accusatory questions to make sure the parent didn't just make up a phony Superman story and actually bludgeon him with a blunt object, the doc says, "So you can't really fly, huh? (Then with confidence and somewhat in the tone of a gameshow host-) Well, you're not going to try that again are you?" Mr.Yuke's(4) answer? "Well, I fink it's because I didn't have my cape on. You need your cape to fly. I need to try it again WITH my cape." The doctor didn't even know what to say to that. He just gave me a look that said, "I pity you."

DEFCON-4: These are the kids who learn to open the child safety locks and pill bottles when they are 7 months old. They have advanced motor skills so many of them are also climbers and escape artists. MonsterTruck(3) falls into this category. I've mentioned before that we have called Poison Control more times for that kid than all the other kids put together. UPDATE: Since that post, we've called Poison Control four more times. He is just bent on killing himself, ok? DEFCON-4 kids are also the ones who are the evil genius masterminds behind all the naughtiness that takes place in a given household. This is where ThePinkiest(5) fits in. Last week when I posted the In A Word meme tag, it was because I needed a few days to find the humor in her latest scheme. It was still too fresh to be funny. Here is what happened.

I mentioned I'm clueless, right? Well, in spite of past experience, I left an open bag of flour in the kitchen overnight. [I guess that makes me a DEFCON-2 : )] ThePinkiest(5) and Mr.Yuke(4) discovered it the next day while I was upstairs laying down with Kryptonite(1). We were both just recovering from some sort of flu bug that was pretty nasty and we were plain dog tired. I heard the two of them downstairs laughing their maniacal laughter- and really, if I had been on top of my game instead of in a sick-induced stupor, I probably would have realized from the sound of that laughter that something insidious was taking place and would have put a stop to it before it escalated to where it did. But my pregnancy brain was not functioning at that Supermom level so I missed my cue for intervention. The first clue I got that something was not right was when MonsterTruck(3) came upstairs with white hair and said, "Mo-om. ThePinkiest(5) and Mr.Yuke(4) are pwaying wif duh fwower." I sent him to the shower and spent the next several minutes trying to work up the energy to go downstairs and see what the extent of the mess was. Now, the next part is unclear but from what I could gather it went like this: There had been a flour fight where handfulls of flour were thrown around (about 20 pounds worth, give or take). Then someone looked around and realized that they were going to be in BIG trouble so they decided they better clean it up. I think this must be the point when they added the water (about 2 gallons worth, all over the kitchen floor). At least I think they were using the water to clean it up with. I was a little too ballistic to gather accurate details at the time. You know what you get when you mix flour and water, right? Yep. They paper mache`d my entire kitchen floor. And then tried to sweep up the goo up with the broom. Oh- by the way, Lowe's has an excellent broom selection, just FYI. So I was exhausted, angry, still not feeling all that well, and was NOT under any circumstances going to get my pregnant self on my hands and knees to clean up that mess. I supplied the two of them with scrapers and later rags, and allowed them the joy of cleaning up their fun. ThePinkiest(5) actually said to me after about ten minutes of scraping, "It's NOT FAIR that WE have to clean up this mess." HA! MyBeautiful put it best when she said, "It's not fair. WE already spent FIFTEEN minutes making this mess. We shouldn't have to clean it up too." Things like this are why ThePinkiest(5) is permanently at DEFCON-4. That night I left the minute Husband came home and went to a movie with Smunchie and MyOtherMother. Husband is good like that. Sometimes it's necessary to leave your children for a short while in order to love them properly when you come back. We saw BabyMama. It was WAY better than the previews made it look.

DEFCON-5 is reserved for kids who bring drugs into the house and act violently against their family members. We don't have any of those. Knock on wood.

Kryptonite(1) has been a DEFCON-1 kid since she was born. I call that "the tender mercies of the Lord". She is easy and low-maintenance. She has only had two or three minor accidents in a year and she learned quickly from all of them. This week she learned two new things. She has expanded her vocabulary from "No" to "No" and "Hi!". And she learned to crawl down the stairs!!! (Insert angelic choir and applause here.) I am ecstatic. One less way to die. Now if I could just get her to stop playing in the potty every time someone forgets to close the bathroom door upon exiting the restroom, we'd be good. Because let's face it, the only thing worse than your baby drowning, is your baby drowning in pee-water from a toilet that was left unflushed by an older sibling. WHY can't they flush the toilet?! WHY? I just don't get it.

Clueless

When Husband read my post about our movie date, his first question was, "Why didn't you put a link to Indiana Jones?" I cannot believe I made such a blunderous oversight. : ) [Here is a link to Indiana Jones.] Then he proceeded to tell me all the details I had gotten wrong because I am, as I said, clueless. Here is a printed correction:

The hat from the original Raiders milliner is from Canada, not Brazil.
The leather jacket is from Brazil. (I knew that.)
The sucker with the picture of Indy on the wrapper was not purchased in Disneyland. It was actually procured in Switzerland. That is cooler I think.

So there you go. I'm a clueless wife. : ) I say at least I knew he had all that stuff.

My cluelessness is not limited to the collection of Indiana Jones paraphenalia which sits in my house. When I am pregnant I get a SEVERE case of pregnancy brain. The kiddos keep doing all these funny things and I think, "Oh, I'll have to blog about that." Then I sit down four hours later and cannot for the life of me remember anything funny they have ever done in their entire lives. Mr.Yuke(4) has not ceased his antics but I can't seem to retain any of it for longer than two seconds.

The funny stories are not the only thing my brain has a hard time with when I'm pregnant. Day before yesterday, I got a call from the anesthesiologist's billing office. Apparently, we owe the balance after what the insurance covered and they would like to get paid. That is all fine. I was unaware that the insurance didn't cover all of it. No problem. But the conversation went something like this:

Caller: Hi. Is this Aberjaber?
Me: Yes.
Caller: This is Caller from SomeplaceorOtherAnesthesia.
Me Huh. Have I ever had that? When did I ever have that? Then looking at my hand comprehension dawns: Yes?
Caller: We show you have a balance with us of SomeAmountorOther for Anesthesiology.
Me: I have insurance. Don't they cover (what's that word? Dang. I can't think of it.) Anes...thesio...lo...gia? Anesthesio...? Anes...?
Caller: Which company is your provider?
Me: Anesthesia! InsuranceCompanyX
Caller: Yes. It appears that they paid the part they cover and you are now responsible for the balance.
Me: Oh. Ok.

Yes. This sort of thing happens to me several times a day. I go from a working vocabulary of 20,000 words before I'm pregnant, to barely communicating through a series of grunts and pointing for nine months every time I conceive. It's a little funny. And a lot frustrating. Even this post is taking me forever to write because I keep having to delete words and put the correct ones in their place.

The pregnancy is going well. I am now in my 14th week and feel like I can sit back and celebrate the fact that I'm pregnant without worrying anymore. I hope that's not naiive.

The child of my youth has been gone to visit her grandparents on an extended vacation. LittleMommy(9) left a week before school got out and we won't see her until the family reunion at the end of this month. I'm really missing her. I hate letting my kids grow up. It stinks. : ) She is having a good time but she misses her siblings and has found out ThatPlaceThatWeUsedToLive is not ShangriLa after all. I think that she will appreciate us more when she gets back. At least that's what I'm hoping.

MonsterTruck(3) is finally pooping in the potty. I sort of- through a series of unfortunate events which were largely out of my control- didn't ever potty train him. PianoGirl believes that kids will potty train themselves when they are ready and that formal potty training doesn't really work. I have hoped this to be true since I have been unable to potty train him for the last eight months. Having done it both ways now, I can say that for me- the frustration of two intense weeks is far less than the frustration of eight months of unnecessary diaper/pullup changing. But that's just me. I am SO THANKFUL he has finally decided to get on the band wagon.

You know who else is clueless? I'll give you a hint. It is June. Until yesterday it was 55 degrees outside. I'm just sayin' is all. Thank goodness it is beginning to warm up. Summer vacation should feel summer-y. That's all I have to say about that.

This 'n That: Movie Edition

Okay, first- Twilight. For those of you who went to Indiana Jones in the last couple of days, you've probably already seen this. For those of you who haven't, all I can say is my faith is restored in Cedric Diggory. A little.

Now, if that was too short a bite and you had to watch it a minimum of six times in a row, try this one on for size. It's a behind-the-scenes look at filming and it changed my almost-made-up-mind about skipping the movie. It looks pretty action-packed.

Getting excited? Maybe just a teence? (Yup. Just made that word up. Actually no, I didn't. Someone really annoying one of my pseudo-brothers used to date used that word. A lot. She was a psycho cleptomaniac. Okay, I take it back. I'm sorry. I take it back. What was I thinking?) I digress.

Where was I? Oh, right. Excited. Well, this- in a round about way- brings me to the aforementioned movie recommendation. If you have not seen Penelope, I highly recommend it. It is a sweet, poignant, beautifully/artistically rendered fairy tale starring Christina Ricci and James McEvoy. James McEvoy has as much... I don't even know what to call it- appeal?- as ever. (Which I don't get, by the way. How can he be so simultaneously unappealingly scrawny and to-die-for desireable at the same time? It makes no sense.) Yes, in this movie you just love him. Again. If you haven't seen it, you can rent it when it comes out on July 15th. What, you ask, does this have to do with Twilight? I will tell you. The video of Penelope is going to have never-before-seen footage of the Twilight movie on it. So, for all you diehard Stephenie Meyer fans, the good news seems to be that they will spare you a Twilight famine by periodically releasing tidbits until the movie comes out. All the way in December.

For the two of you who've not read the Twilight books yet, you have time to read the three in print approximately ten times at average reading speed before the next book comes out in August. : ) HA HA HA! They're all right. Brain candy. But yummy delicious goodness.

I went to Indiana Jones. Husband is a true fan. The kind that has all the stuff. Stuff like a real, honest-to-goodness fedora purchased from the same Brazilian millinery company that made Indy's actual hat in Raiders. And a whip. And a hand-made leather jacket. And a sucker purchased in Disneyland when Husband was like eleven years old with Indy's picture on the wrapper. And other stuff. Needless to say, he's been checking on the progress of Indy 4 periodically ever since the Holy Grail (3) came out. It is the thing he loves. He has read the books. He owns all the Young Indiana Jones chronicles (special edition with the extra documentaries) on DVD. (Those are really cool actually.) So, naturally when they announced the premiere of the fourth movie, I knew I was taking Husband to see it.

Have you ever tried to get a sitter for 6 kids? You know that sequence in Cheaper By the Dozen when Steve Martin is trying to get some domestic help for his 12 kids and everyone in the phone book hangs up on him? Let's just say that I did NOT find that funny. At all. I was worried how we were going to swing the babysitting thing. Well, Husband did a shocking and wonderful thing. He actually took the day off to do something for himself. Granted, taking time for oneself may not sound like a milestone to you- it certainly isn't for me, I'm a regular. (It keeps me sane.) But Husband on the other hand, does not do things for himself. He is a very self-sacrificing person. Almost to a fault. So I was flabbergasted/overjoyed when he announced that he would be staying home on Thursday. My next thought was that I would have to secretly arrange the babysitting and purchase the tickets and then just shanghai the man to the movie theater because otherwise he would spend Thursday cleaning up the basement or something. Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, he decided Wednesday night that he would like to see the movie on his day off. I jumped up Thursday morning and sat down with Fandango before I even went to the bathroom and purchased tickets before he could back out. Even as the receipt was printing I sensed he was balking as he asked doubtfully about the wisdom in purchasing tickets before we had sitters. But he was GOING, darn it! so I would make the babysitting thing work. I managed to farm out the kids to two friends and one entrepreneur (Thank you, StairstepMom and RanchWife!) and there we had it. A real-live date with no children, planned and paid for all before 9:00 am.

I knew that Husband probably wasn't going to indulge himself like this for another decade (or until the next Indy comes out- whichever happens first) once the guilt set in for doing something for himself this time, so I knew I had to make this one good. There is a new authentic "Virginia bbq" place in the town nearby where they have really good bbq pork that's not all saucy. After dropping Mr. Yuke off for his last day of preschool before summer, I headed right on down to the bbq and bought a pint of that delicious pig. Then I went to the local overpriced grocery store and got salt-and-vinegar Kettle Chips (I don't recommend this particular brand by the way. The original flavor is great, but those things are like the Altoids of salt-and-vinegar chips. Don't buy them! At least not if you value certain things like taste buds and intestines), because nothing goes better with bbq than salt and vinegar potato chips in my opinion. I also got Henry Weinhard's cream soda (Husband's favorite beverage, if not his favorite brand), and a medium bag of the Indiana Jones plain m&m's (Husband's favorite treat of all time. And the fact that they had pictures of hats and whips and relics on them, just made them near divinity). I took all that stuff back to the house and left it in the FREEZING COLD car (because TheWeatherPeople decided that summer vacation should start off in the mid-40's apparently) and sauntered casually into the house in order to ascertain if Husband was in the shower yet so I could pull off the suprise of the century. I walked in just in time to see MonsterTruck(2) jump back from a box of Cocoa Pebbles that he was about to swipe from the food storage with a look on his face of, "OH MAN!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT BOX OF CEREAL JUST ATTACK ME LIKE THAT?! RIGHT OUT OF NOWHERE! BOY I'M GLAD YOU GOT HERE JUST NOW! RIGHT IN THE KNICK OF TIME LIKE THAT!!!!!" Heh heh. Nervous laugh. "Mommy! You skeer me!" Heh-heh heh-heh.
Me: What were you doing?
MonsterTruck(2) drops the cereal box behind him with a thud: Nuffing.
Me: Is Daddy in the shower?
MonsterTruck(2): No, he's out.
Me: Did he already take one?
MonsterTruck(2): No. He not inna show'r. He out it.
Me: Ooookayyyyy....
I gave him the stinkeye just for good measure and went upstairs to check on the hygiene status of Husband. He was just getting into the shower. Yay! Now for phase 2!

I have this bag. Well mine is black with hot pink polka dots, but it's the same bag. They come in a million colors. It is awesome. It is the greatest bag of all time. It's good for many things but my favorite use for it is sneaking food into movie theaters. It looks small, holds a ton of stuff, yet is stylish and not cumbersome. For Indiana Jones I packed into my bag:

• 2 bottles of cream soda
• one full-size bag of potato chips (Okay, that barely fit- but it did.)
• one pint of bbq meat
• four whole wheat hamburger buns which did NOT get squished
• two paper plates
• two plastic forks
• four napkins
• 4 little cups of special sauce and
• a medium bag of m&ms

Buy the bag. You won't be sorry. I did all this, stowed the bag in the freezer-car, packed two diaper bags for different destinations, got MonsterTruck(2) ready to go, and hid all the evidence before Husband got out of the shower. He fixed sandwiches for The Pinkiest(5), Mr. Yuke(4) and MonsterTruck(2) to take to the sitters' and we were off. We dropped all the kids everywhere, and we headed for a during-school-hours matinee at the movie theater. Without children. Sorry, I just gotta type that one more time. Without children. Look! I've got goosebumps! : )

We got there, sat down, and like Mary Poppins I started pulling things out of my bag. Stuff just kept on coming. It was great. Husband was shocked. In a good way. The old lady sitting next to me did not seem too impressed however, but whatever. I'm pretty sure she thought the cream soda was beer. Oh well. It was a perfect date and thanks to my bag, a pretty good lunch too. The movie was all right, not the best one and not the worst either. I liked Shia LeBeouf, I don't care what all the diehard Indyfans online have to say about him.

It was a good day. I can't help lovin' that man of mine. Thank you Husband for doing something you enjoy!

Thicker Than Water

I told you one of the reasons I hadn't posted in a while. Morning sickness. Well I didn't tell you the other, much more dreaded, reason: "Spring" Break. That's right. I said "Spring". I put those quotation marks there because I meant them. This is NOT Spring. This is a gross, second-verse-same-as-the-first repeat of winter. Only with more days of snow. Like today for example. The thick wet stuff has taken the last shreds of patience not consumed by my children and frozen it. Maybe someone will find it in like 50 billion years.

"Spring" Break was not the much anticipated end to our cabin fever, but 4 and a half days of mother nature mocking my pain. With all six kids. We had wonderful plans. We were going to go up the canyon and have a fire and roast hot dogs for lunch one day. We were going on a picnic to a really cool park another day. We were going to get donuts and go walk around ThatUniversityThatISometimesGoTo another day. It was going to be great. Instead, we stayed home. Inside. And tried to stay warm. How do you stay warm during a snowy spring break, you ask? Watch movies, of course.

We watched a lot of movies. I didn't even hold my kids to the normal rules about television usage. Normally, we have a very efficient system where the kids have to budget their media time. This is how it works: At the beginning of the week, usually during Family Home Evening, we give each of the kids 6 blue tickets with the date written on them. Each of these tickets represents 20 minutes of t.v./wii/computer/internet time. They may use them when their chores and homework are finished and can use them all at once or spread them out over the week. If more than one kid is watching a movie, the one who chooses the movie pays the tickets. At the end of the week the tickets expire. They can't be used the next week. That means if they didn't do their chores/homework, they might not get any t.v. time that week. They also have the opportunity to be awarded white tickets at any time. White tickets are given for any good/kind behavior that Husband or I observe. The kindness has to be done for the sake of being kind, not trying to "earn" a ticket. These tickets never expire. That means they can stockpile them and have a 6 hour wii fest if they want to. The white tickets have the kids names on them and we put all the spent white tickets into a jar. When the jar gets filled up we are going to do something really special as a family (trip, amusement park, etc.) and whichever child has the most tickets in the jar will also receive a treat (dinner and a movie, tea party, horseback riding, etc.) It all sounds very complicated but it's really quite simple. What it boils down to is that my kids don't spend a whole lot of their time on brain-rotting, and occasionally they feel slightly more inclined to do their chores and homework.

This is not our only system. We also have allowances and Saturday Fun. Allowances are simple: they are paid on a daily basis for completing their chores. Each day they get everything done, they get paid. Saturday Fun is an incentive program. Every Saturday, everybody who got all their work/homework done by dinnertime every day of that week gets to go to a super activity: Saturday Fun. This can be anything from a picnic/slumber party in the living room floor to Disney on Ice to Monster Trucks. It sort of depends on the budget. The vague idea behind it is "the family that works together plays together". All the family members who did their part in the overall work get to play. We have had some really good times, especially on those weeks when everybody gets Saturday fun. The thing I like about these two systems is that if you have a day when you don't do what you're supposed to and you have to miss Saturday Fun, you still get paid for all those other days.

So anyway, during "Spring" Break, I didn't require the kids to pay tickets for their t.v. usage.
After their normal after-school chores there was not much else to do for the rest of the day and I was feeling too sick to try to mediate art supplies or cookie ingredients for that many people. We watched A LOT of movies. Over and over. And over. One of the movies we watched several times is Herbie Fully Loaded with Lindsay Lohan. It's about Maggie Peyton, a girl who has just graduated from college and is on the verge of starting a new life outside of the stockcar racing world, much to the happiness of her father. Her family is a racing dynasty and more than anything, Maggie wants to be the next great Peyton. "Racing is in [her] blood." I think watching "Kirby" (as MonsterTruck(2) calls it) sleeping, and riding my kids to get their chores done were the only things I did the entire week. Oh, and a book report for MyOwnPersonalDharma (see my very brief review here).

Well, as it turned out, ThePinkiest(5) did not get her chores done. At all. The entire week. Because she didn't want to. And because kids- like wolves- can smell weakness and know when their mother is not going to fight too hard or too long. (My first trimester is always a disaster.) I'm pretty sure ThePinkiest(5) was sneaking in to watch "Kirby" every single time I dozed off. Well, the kids know exactly what to expect when Saturday rolls around if their chores aren't done and because of this, ThePinkiest(5) knew she had less chance of Saturday Fun that week than we had of a warm, sunny afternoon.

Husband was getting the kids together who were leaving to go have dinner and ice cream sundaes at a restaurant when it started. The drama. Screaming/Whining/Crying/Begging, "Daddy, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaase let me have Saturday Fun! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaase!!!!!!"

Husband: I'm sorry, but you didn't get your chores done. That was a decision you made. Maybe next time.
ThePinkiest(5): But Daddy!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeaaase! I NEED Saturday Fun.
Husband: No, sorry. Come on guys, let's get ready to go.
ThePinkiest(5) throwing herself at his feet: Yes I do!!! I NEEEEED IT!
Husband removing his feet from under her: Not this time.
Me: No one NEEEEEDS Saturday Fun.
ThePinkiest(5): I. Need. to have. Saturday. Fun. "It's in my blood."
Me: Is she quoting "Herbie"?
Husband snickers: Yeah.
ThePinkiest(5) as Husband and some kids go out the door: Saturday. Fun. is in. my. blood.!!!

Just So There's No Confusion

I stole this from a friend who stole it from a friend who....
But honestly, I couldn't have put it any better myself. And I apologize if any/all of these photos are copyrighted. I got them at http://enjoyingthejourneytogether.blogspot.com/.


I have wondered how many people are confusing my church with the FLDS church plastered all over the news because of the raid in Texas.


Some Mormon women sing...




Some Mormon women dance...




Some Mormon women write scary stories...


Some Mormon women have a lot of money and really great hair...




I know hundreds of Mormon women. They do all kinds of different things and live all different kinds of lives.


This woman served as a leader in the Mormon church. She recently spoke to teenage girls worldwide. She encouraged them to stand up to peer pressure, strengthen their families and serve others. (Click here for more.)

None of the Mormon women I know look like this...



None of them are marrying off their teenage daughters and-- although some may joke about wanting a sister-wife (preferably one who is really fat & ugly, does bathrooms and changes diapers)--none of them really want to share their husband with anyone.Furthermore...






Some Mormon guys can throw a ball...

Some Mormon guys can make scary movies...

Some Mormon guys have a lot of money and really great hair...

I know hundreds of Mormon guys. They do all kinds of different things and live all kinds of different lives.

This is one of the leaders of the Mormon church. Last Sunday he spoke about honoring women, especially mothers, and gave advice to husbands and children about how to treat the women in their lives. (For the whole story, click here.)

None of the Mormon guys I know look like this...

The Mormon men I know are honest and hard-working. They don't cheat, smoke, drink or gamble. And TRUST ME....the last thing any of them want is another wife.

Guess What?

You're it!

If you are unfamiliar with this game it is because you are lucky enough not to have gone to Disneyland with my Brother and Slugger Jr. and a bunch of other family members year before last. While we were there, Brother and Cute Sister took one of my bunch to and from the parks in their car each day, (because everyone knows that the only thing better than Disneyland is NOT riding there with your mom). Well apparently on these drives, Brother taught them all a little game I like to call "Next-Time-I-See-Him-I'm-Going-To-Hurt-Him". (My kids call it "Guess What?".)



Essentially it goes like this:

The Pinkiest(5): Hey Mommy!

Me: What?

The Pinkiest(5): You're-It!!!



Saying the word "what" has been all but banned from our household for the last year and a half because no one wants to be the dreaded "IT". My main problem with this game is that once Husband or I am "It", we are bombarded with little wannabe "Its" ALL trying to make us be "It" again, because we have stopped the game. Yesterday The Pinkiest(5) declared Husband "Quintuple IT!!!!". (Does explaining the vocabulary words like "quadruple" and "quintuple" qualify this as an educational game? Because if so, I should be on the payroll for the Board of Education in This Place That I Live. I'm pretty sure it's more than Bubba's(7) teacher is doing. Good thing he is really smart.) Anyway, there are many irritating things about this game, but the hands-down worst part is that everyone- even Monster Truck(2)- participates in this NottheBradys pasttime. And it. is. annoying.



In spite of my daily attempts to forget the whole thing exists, I thought of it ("IT!") today because- you guessed it.
I'm "IT!"
I've been tagged by This Guy. You should go to his blog at least this once. I normally don't care for cutesy animal pictures, but his pets will make you laugh out loud. Just scroll down to the cute doggies.

So back to annoying games of tag. I'm "IT". I don't know why anyone bothers to fill these things out in the first place. Does anyone actually read them? All right, I admit it. I skim them. But only if I REALLY like the person. In general though, if I see a meme posted I just move on to the next blog in my bookmarks. Why do people pass them on? I will tell you why. Because they, like some of my family members, don't have an inherent spam filter in their brains. I know that brain-inherent-spam-filter-deficiency is a problem because I know someone who forwards sappy-Christian-chain-emails. You know the emails I am talking about. Well actually, I hope you don't. Let me describe. They are the emails which curse you to remain outside the pearly gates and be selfish and not care about kids with leukemia and hate animals and small children and the person who so obviously loves you that they sent it to you if you don't immediately forward it to 15 people. Also, you should forward it back to the person who sent it to you as if they didn't actually read it before forwarding it to you. (This is entirely possible, come to think of it, because I think if they DID read it they would've done the same thing as the rest of us and deleted it when they saw the title:
"Give this heart to everyone you don't want to lose in '08 including me if you care. Try to collect 12, it's not easy!"
(I swear to you I did not make that up.) I receive these type of emails so often that at times in the past I have actually had to enter my own family members into my SPAMblocker. True story. And there you have it.

Well, I will fill this out. I am going to do my part for the earth (thus filling my go-green quota for the year) by NOT tagging anyone else. But I will fill it out- if only because I feel honored to have been tagged. And I think I have just stumbled onto the answer to my own question. People fill these out because IT IS AN HONOR.
Hee hee.

Without Further Ado-

4 Things

4 Jobs I've Had
1. Poop Patrol... I worked as a CNA in a nursing home for a couple of years. Funny how some people find their callings early in life. Excuse me while I go change [another] diaper.
2. Begging For Money... I worked as a fund-raiser for That College I Sometimes Go To, calling Alumni and continuously asking for donations until they finally caved and pledged something.
3. Grocery Store Checker
4. Executive Assistant/Customer Service Training Course Developer... because of my excellent people skills.

4 Movies I Watch Over and Over
1. Tommy Boy... "We're family! We're going to be doing lots of dumb stuff together."
2. Multiplicity... "Hi Thsteve! Come on up! I'm thspittin' on bugs."
3. Fools Rush In... Don't ask me why. I don't have a good answer. Mostly because I don't have to "watch" it to watch it. I get a lot done with that one on.
4. Elf... "And now I'm here...singing a song...to my dad...but you didn't know that I was born...but I'm here now...and I love youIloveyouILOVEYOOOUUUUU!"
"Call security."

4 Places I Have Lived
1. This Place That I Live In
2. That Place With That College I Sometimes Go To
3. Arizona (It's the armpit of the country. Really. Smell IT.)
4. Oregon (Do you hear the Heavenly Choir singing?)

4 TV Shows I Watch
1. I don't have T.V. cuz I live in what Technogeeks refer to as a "shadow". That means it is a sucky vortex of all signals of any kind except for one-spanish channel-kind-of-fuzzy-and-that's-only-if-you-have-bunny-ears. Not even AM radio makes it here. I do watch The Office on DVD with Brother whenever I go home. Good times.

4 Places I Have Been
1. Hawaii. LOVE.IT.
2. British Columbia, Canada... toured there. It's beautiful. I liked the ferry rides. Buchardt Gardens is awesome, all tacky billboards to the contrary.
3. Tombstone, Arizona... If you like the movie, don't go there.
Mr. Yuke(4) just said: Guess what mom?
Me (like an idiot that hasn't just been sitting here blogging about this): What?
Mr Yuke(4): You're IT!!! Miss Preschool Teacher said it's April Fools and we have to go home and play a joke on our moms and dads and that's a good joke. Smug smile of satisfaction.
4. Stuck in an elevator in the Tacoma Sheraton for 3 hours after it had dropped about 50 floors

4 People Who Email Me Regularly
1. My Own Personal Dharma... okay, well maybe not regularly. But really, I'm more of a phone person.
2. Blogger [New Comment on...]
3. Previously Mentioned Family Member
4. Father-in-law

4 Favorite Things to Eat
1. Anything with lots of cheese and garlic. Olive Garden is very good for this.
2. Bruschetta from La Vigna- SO.GOOD. Get some.
3. Stir-fry anything that won't kill me
4. Soft, chewy cookies

4 Places I'd Rather Be
1. Getting a massage at a spa
2. Accepting my winnings from a drawing for a million dollars
3. That College I Sometimes Go To
4. The Bookstore

4 Things I Look Forward to This Year
1. Camping. Actually, WARM WEATHER. THAT STAYS. Then Camping.
2. Husband's family reunion. I always enjoy that. He has roughly 63thousand cousins, all of whose company I enjoy immensely.
3. Losing the baby-baby-baby-baby weight before getting pregnant again. (Hey, I can dream, can't I?)
4. Teaching Steve how to count to four.

4 People to Tag
1. Not
2. Gonna
3. Do
4. It

If you actually read the entire thing, consider yourself tagged by default. Just leave 'em in the comments or else put a link to your own post there.

Love Walked In

If only to restore balance to the force, I am writing a review for a book I read this week that I LOVED. After this I will start a separate blog for book reviews. The book is called "Love Walked In" by Marisa de los Santos. She is an award-winning poet with a PhD in Literature and Creative Writing. This was her first novel and it may as well be her last as far as I'm concerned because she has already achieved perfection and there is nowhere left to go but down.

Among other things, the book is an homage to classic American cinema. You know the movies I'm talking about. The beautiful romances between debonair actors like Cary Grant or Clark Gable and fabulous leading women who always look a little soft around the edges in their closeups, as if their sheer radiance was too much for the old-time cameras to photograph properly- all photographed on black and white film. Those movies that people are still watching 80 years later because they are such great romances. If you don't like those movies, maybe this book isn't for you- although the language is so deliciously, exactly, wonderfully wonderful that any well-read person is sure to appreciate it.

In addition to the numerous references to the silver screen, the book is also a nod to countless characters from works of great literature. Sara Crewe, Jo and Beth March, Anne Shirley, Jen Pringle, Mary Lennox, Scout and Jem, Uriah Heap, Miss Havisham, Lear and Cordelia, Voldemort, and Snape are just a handful of the characters I remember being referenced in the book- each a little golden nugget tucked into the pages of a delightful story about family, love, loss, being lost, being found, finding love again, and finding what it is that we love.

Keeping true to the homage, the author takes a classic movie approach to the sex in this book. The main character describes a date with her dream-come-true saying,

"I'm a fan of suggestion, obliquity, discretion, the cut to the morning after, the camera's eye turning upward, outward-to the sky, to the cuckoo clock over the bed, to the rushing river, away. Forget those slick bodies tangled on the floor or grappling on kitchen tables. Sexy is Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed talking into the same telephone receiver, their anger tipping reluctantly over into desire, the desire as much in the distance separating their two mouths as in their proximity to each other. What I'm saying is, you're not getting details-not detailed details anyway. If you're anything like I am and, like most people, I assume most people are like I am, this is just fine with you."

Refreshing and romantic and yet you feel every minute of the time they're together. Don't get me wrong, it's not all Amish level action. There is a scene with one of the antagonists that is less subtle, but it is not the focus and is tastefully handled by the author.

To quote the book, "it is definitely on the list of perfect things. You know what I mean, the list that includes the starry sky over the desert, grilled cheese sandwiches, The Great Gatsby, the Chrysler building, Ella Fitzgerald singing, "It Don't Mean a Thing (If You Ain't Got That Swing)," white peonies, and those little sketches of hands by Leondardo da Vinci." Would that we all would take author Sarah Ban Breathnach's advice and "excavate our authentic selves". What is on your list of perfect things?

(I suppose to be fair to that other book, I should include here that this book does have some obscenity in it as well. I think I counted the f-word seven times and the misuse of the names of God and the Savior a number of times. Although I think obscenity is never appropriate, I found it considerably less offensive in this book because the characters who were using it were usually incensed about something, as opposed to just casually slipping it in, accomplishing nothing but the muddying of the English language and it's accepted vernacular.)

I would recommend this book to the well-read and the lover of romances. I think it is my new favorite book of all time. I am re-reading it now at a slower pace to be sure that is an accurate statement. Even if it turns out not to be, it is DEFINITELY up there. I don't think it is a book that will ever be a best-seller and I noticed that it only had an average rating on Goodreads of 3.87 or something close to that but I believe this is because the vocabulary and the literary references are too advanced to appeal to the masses.

The one and only problem I had with the book was that I truly had to suspend reality when it came to the character Clare, an 11 year-old girl with a working vocabulary- and at times an intellect- superior to anyone I met at college. I was able to overlook Clare because, to me, Cornelia (the adult in the book) is the most real person I have ever read on the page.

Read this book. Or don't- but if you don't I think you're missing out.

The Donzerlee Light

I love New Year. It is one of my favorite holidays. This is for two reasons:

1. I get to have a big party with lots of food which is not obligatory (read: Thanksgiving). Planning parties is my favorite.
2. It's a good chance to start out fresh. For example: I have said my morning prayer every day this entire year. Sounds encouraging, doesn't it? Try one.

Our party last night was so much fun. Brother, Cute Sister, and Slugger Jr.(3) sent us a movie kit for Christmas. It had a whole bunch of boxes of movie candy, mini microwave popcorn bags, tickets which read "admit one to [Aberjaber] family movie night", and the DVD of "Surf's Up". So last night we brought the t.v., dvd player, and the wii down from the playroom to the living room. We moved the furniture around and we watched the movie. After it was over, we ate a ton of other party food and played the wii for almost two hours. We had a great time. Mostly.

It used to be our policy that just the older kids got to stay up until midnight. We would send the younger kids to bed around 9:00 when they felt like they'd stayed up really late and were super tired anyway. This was a good plan. Unfortunately, nobody informed the little kids of the details. See, we'd send them to bed and they would get up. Every ten minutes. All night long. They would sneak ever so subtlely (like a stampeding herd of buffalo) to some vantage point where they could witness the goings on of the party until they were sent back to bed. Again. So this year, we decided to just extend them an official invitation to the party rather than deal with Bedtime Tourette's all night long. Mr. Yuke(4) was particularly thrilled about this. All day he kept talking about how he was going to stay up UNTIL TOMORROW!!! I kept telling him that it would still be dark and that he would have to go bed as soon as the party was over. He looked a little confused by this the seventeen times we had this conversation but he always agreed with me. At midnight we did crackers, toasted the new year, and exchanged hugs- then I promptly banished them all to bed so Husband and I could play some serious wii. The other children went right away, happy to have stayed up so late and have so much fun. Mr. Yuke(4), however, was LIVID.

Mr. Yuke(4): "YOU SAID I COULD STAY UP TIL TOMORROW!!! YOU SAID I COULD STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! I WANT TO WATCH SUPERMAN!!!"

Me: "Honey, it is tomorrow. It's the new year. It's after midnight. Remember when I said it would still be dark?"

Mr. Yuke(4): "BUT IT IS NOT MORNING!!!"

Me: "You need to go to bed. I love you. Goodnight."

Husband: "Goodnight, [Mr. Yuke(4)]. I love you."

Mr. Yuke(4): LOUDLY under his breath- "This is NOT what I signed up for."

I don't know where he gets that stuff from. So funny! Anyway, in spite of Mr. Yuke(4) melting down as only he can, and Monster Truck(2) throwing up at about 10:30, we had a really good time. I hope you all rang in the new year as cheerfully. Good luck with your resolutions!

Cuts Above the Rest

Books this year that were a cut above the rest:

1. The OBVIOUS: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (although I thought the Epilogue was stupid.) Forgive me, but I thought the link unnecessary. Everyone in the free world (and probably quite a few in the unfree world too-) knows about the Harry Potter books.


2. The Twilight Series- Juvenille but so enjoyable


3. America the Beautiful- it's a picture book with the words of the song and beautiful watercolors throughout. The cover-art is terrible but don't let it put you off opening it if you ever get the chance.

Blogs this year that were a cut above the rest:

1. The Blog of Unnecessary Quotation Marks- totally funny if you have a fundamental working knowledge of punctuation.


2. The Pokemon Card Lady- I sent a lot of you the link to her post on ebay. Turns out she has a blog which is also pretty funny.

Movies this year that were a cut above the rest:

1. Hairspray- Loved it, can't say enough about it. Way better than the first one (which was ok).


2. Live Free or Die Hard- Surprised? A cut above all the other Die Hards and a very pleasant surprise. Incidentally, if you go to rent it, you will only find the "unrated" edition. This is ok because once you put it in you get to select whether you watch it rated PG-13 or the unrated way.


3. The Lake House- I really liked this one too but it's not one you can scrapbook to. It requires your undivided attention. Also, this is not a good one for watching over and over again.

Events this year that were a cut above the rest:

1. Amish Work Day


2. Husband's promotion


3. Monster Trucks


4. Family Reunion in Milltown

Hairdos this year that were cut above the rest:

(Hear the record scratch?)

Yep. You heard me right. Little Mommy(9) strikes again. In an effort to NOT clean her room, she did any- and every- thing else she could possibly think of instead. When she ran out of ideas she just got "sick of [The Pinkiest's(5) ] bangs hanging down in her eyes" so she HAD to cut them. (Incidentally, it may be relevant to know that The Pinkiest(5) has been growing out her bangs forever. Since the last time they were cut by a not professional.) It's sad really. Her hair was getting so long and pretty that people were starting to comment on it everywhere we went. So now, The Pinkiest(5) has bangs between 3/4 of an inch to one inch long- depending on where you're looking, which start just behind her ear on one side and go to above her temple on the other side. Plus that one other piece. It looks terrible. I'm afraid we're going to have to just cut off the lot of it and start over. At the very least she is going to need a bob. I'm guessing it'll be shorter than that.

My personal feelings about how to handle this situation are that Little Mommy(9) should have to get her hair cut in the same style as The Pinkiest(5). Considering that this is her fifth infraction with a pair of scissors and "hair" of some variety, I think it only fitting. I'm willing to give her the first three which happened between the ages of 2 and 4, but the most recent one was last year and well- to me, the fact that she is now 9 makes this pretty inexcuseable. (By the way, the reason "hair" is in quotation marks is because one incident involved several victims from Mother-in-Law's doll collection, most of which have yarn for hair. Or used to.) Now, last year when she cut her own hair to the scalp in a three inch square patch, I told her she was going to have to get it cut short like a boy while it was growing out. I would put mousse in it and make it curly and we could tie ribbons around her head and maybe it would still look really cute. The workers at the Beauty Shop however, all thought this was cruel and talked me out of it. I think now the time has come because I, like Gracie Lou Freebush, believe in harsher punishments for parole violators. What do you think?

The good news is that The Pinkiest's(5) hair won't be a total waste. *Shelbie needs a wig and I heard her family is collecting hair donations. Since The Pinkiest(5) and Shelbie are both blondies and The Pinkiest's(5) hair is so long, hopefully they will be able to use her hair to help. (See below for info on Shelbie.)

The only other cut I want to mention in this post is the one on my self. It has been put above the rest as well. Above the laundry, the cooking, the hair fixing, the bathroom cleaning. (DANG! Maybe I don't want to get better.... No, wait. I guess I do.) Anyway, this week, I got to cut down to having PT ONLY TWICE A WEEK!!!! This is very exciting news. I played some Clementi on Tuesday, and it was not horrible. And also, I am typing like a real person right this very minute.- Only it hurts more. So today I looked around and realized that it was time to stop putting my cut above the rest. I did a load of dishes (turns out- that is still pretty challenging. I can't grasp things very well.), cleaned a toilet, walked Mr. Yuke(4!) to preschool while pushing the stroller and everything, and then sat down to blog. Because let me tell you- when you've put your cut above the rest for a month and a half, there is a ton of crap to do and I have no idea where to even start- so I'd rather just blog about it instead. And there is no rest when there is a cut. I guess I'd prefer it this way though. I've had about enough of resting for a while.

*Shelbie is an amazing little girl who is 9 years old. A while back she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. They did a surgery where they went in through her eye and removed it. The biopsy came back as cancerous. Later they removed a second tumor. They thought she was in remission at that point. However, just recently they discovered a new tumor on her brainstem that is inoperable. Because of this, Shelbie has started an 18-month course of chemotherapy which I think is going to be either followed by or overlapped with radiation treatments.

Shelbie's lifelong dream is to be a cheerleader. Specifically, she wants to cheer with the 49'ers cheerleaders at one of their games. I wonder how many degrees of separation there are between me and someone who could make that happen?

Through everything, she has remained positive and sweet. All this is remarkable, but the real reason Shelbie is remarkable is that she has attended Church and Primary/Activity Days as often as possible for the last year without her parents. She gets rides with neighbors or the Primary presidency. She is an amazing example and a wonderful missionary. Visit her website. Sometimes there are pictures, although there aren't any right now.