Monday, March 31, 2008
A Walk To Remember
Kryptonite(11mo) decided to become a full-fledged person this week. She has not been interested in holding hands and walking, cruising around the furniture, or anything like that. Then Wednesday she was sitting in the kitchen on the floor looking around when she got a look on her face. She stood up without holding onto anything and just walked away. She crossed the entire room (about 10 feet) before she dropped down and started crawling again. She turned and gave us all a smug smile that said, "You guys think you're ALL THAT."
She's been walking ever since.
Mr. Yuke(4): Up there in the road! I one it-I two it-I three it-I four it-I five it-I six it-I seven it-I ATE IT!!!
Then, speaking to Monster Truck(2):
You one it-you two it-you three it-you four it-you five it-you six it-you seven it-YOU ATE IT!!!
You ate the cake and ice cream, and I ate a bowl of poop!!!!
Isn't that sweet? Is there a more selfless example of brotherly love?
Doin' It Like Fred Flintstone
I went bowling Friday night with some crazy muchachas. Their approach to bowling (since we all stink at it) is whoever gets the high score on the round gets to tell everyone how they have to bowl the next round. The Fred Flintstone twinkle toes manuever made an appearance, but my favorite was when they had us lay down on our backs and granny roll the ball from our heads. Mine guttered (that was my groove for the night) but a couple people got strikes and spares that way! I'm happy to report there were no serious bowlers there because I'm sure they would have felt we were unworthy to wear bowling shoes. And if you think it through for a second, that is really insulting.
The good news is that once again, we looked good enough to come home to. Husband came home, and like the conquering hero he is, gave me a two-day neck massage. (I had built up a wee bit of tension. : ) )
Welcome home, Lovey!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
We spent the last couple weeks talking with the children about the true meaning of Easter. Starting on Palm Sunday, we discussed what the Savior was doing for the days leading up to his resurrection. I am happy to say that some of it sunk in.
On Saturday before Easter, we had the opportunity to attend the baptism of a family member who lives about an hour away. It was a wonderful afternoon and it was so nice to see our family in happier circumstances.
When we arrived, they were still filling up the baptismal font and my younger children were very interested in this. The baptismal fonts in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints are very large, tiled, usually sunk into the ground, and have steps that lead down into them. The fixtures where the water comes out resemble bathtub fixtures. Maria (the girl being baptized), was glowing. My children were all dressed in their Sunday best and (wonder of wonders-) sitting quietly and reverently (MOSTLY) on the back row.
Maria's aunt gave a talk on baptism. She was saying something about following Jesus' example by entering the waters of baptism. I guess (also wonder of wonders) that Monster Truck(2) was trying to pay attention to what she was saying because he stood up on his chair and SHOUT-whispered to me (I was sitting next to him), "JESUS COME ALIVE IN THAT BAFFTUB!" (So good to know he got something out of our family home evening discussion about the resurrection.) I chuckled and tried to get him to quiet down. Then the aunt said something about a prophet in the Book of Mormon named Alma, who baptized a large group of people in the wilderness at a place called The Waters of Mormon. He jumped up again and said, "NO!, THE WATER'S IN BAFFTUB!!!"
We talked a little afterward about how Jesus was baptized to set the example of perfect obedience to the commandments for us, even though he never sinned. We talked again about how Jesus knelt in the garden, was betrayed by one of his closest friends, taken by the soldiers, was beaten, mocked, humilated, and crucified. And he was resurrected. He lives still. "There.", I thought. "Confusion cleared up."
So we got to church Easter Sunday morning, and as we're going inside, Monster Truck(2) is bounding through the door and he looks up at me with shining eyes and faith in his heart and says, "WE GOING TO SEE JESUS!!!!". He was so happy about it, it was a little heart-wrenching to have to tell him that yes, Jesus is alive, but no, he won't be putting in a LIVE appearance at church today. At least not that I know of.
I guess we should all be looking to the day with the eyes of a two year-old. He IS coming. And Monster Truck(2) can hardly wait. : )
Saturday, March 22, 2008
First, if you come to a site that has a picture of a hot mermaid drinking evian, don't be fooled. There is no such thing as evian-drinking mermaids. I bet that was photoshopped. Because mermaids drink motor oil. Ask them. They'll tell you.
Second, my cyber-friend Kim at http://goodcleanreads.blogspot.com recently turned me onto sitemeter.com. I installed it on both my blogs that very day and ever since then I have had the enjoyment of discovering where my readers are located (and also how they ended up here in my little corner of cyberspace if they do not actually know me). I know for instance, that a lot of people come here from http://www.KellysBloggingStation.blogspot.com. Or maybe Kelly's just obsessed with me. I am rather stunning. I also know that I have readers in Minneapolis, New Jersey, Washington state, L.A., the University of New Mexico, the Northeastern states, Oregon, Idaho, Arizona, Utah, Ohio, Germany (!), and just recently, a reader in South Africa came to my book blog. Having access to this information totally entertains me. (And also scares the crap out of me, so Valenzoo, please don't leave your opinion on the implications of this, because I can already guess it and I totally agree with you. I may not have read that book, but I read the cliff notes when you were reading it.)
Well, the oddest things I find out are almost always how random internet surfers end up here through google searches. The other day, someone came here to the first Hocker Ooze page. They had used "comic loogie" as their search words on google. That is sad enough, but what I found mind-numbingly pitiable was that when I quickly skimmed through THE FIRST 50 PAGES of results under that search, A Bunch Without Alice/aberjaber.blogspot.com never came up. This means that-
Someone searched for loogies, and after sifting through a MINIMUM of 51 pages of results, clicked on a link to the Hocker Ooze page. I cannot imagine how many hours of searching through sites describing, depicting, and honoring loogies this would have taken. Just to scroll as fast as I could through the first 50 pages of results took me the better part of 15 minutes. (Yes, I AM pathetic. But at least I can rest assured that I'm not as pathetic as THAT guy. And I can also pretty safely assume none of you are either.)
A couple months ago, during our last round of dominoes, Mr. Yuke(4) called me to the bathroom.
"Mom, I slotted."
"I slotted. I tried to poop but lot of slot came out."
I have not looked at a slotted spoon the same ever since.
Now for the other:
In January our local grocery store parking lot became a quagmire of thick not-exactly-snow-more-like-soft-slush. It wouldn't go away and had become quite deep; deep enough to cover Mr. Yuke's(4) shoes in fact.
Husband took Mr. Yuke(4) to the store one night. When Mr. Yuke(4) jumped out of Max, his feet were instantly immersed in ice-cold mush.
Mr. Yuke(4): Ughh! I hate that dirty slut!
Mr. Yuke(4): That slut- (points)- I hate it.
Husband trying not to laugh: Oh. Slushhhhhhhhhhhh.
Mr. Yuke unable to hear properly due to wind: Don't shush me! I HATE THAT DIRTY SLUT!!!
Man Walking By: sputter choke gasp guffaw
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Before I get to that though, I have to get something off my chest. Grocery shopping with a bunch of kids is a hideous experience. Each and every time. Even when my children are such sweethearts that they give the illusion of being proper and dignified little adults who always say please and thank you and help one another reach things on the high shelves, the snooty looks we receive from our fellow patrons are almost always somewhere in the withering-glare/disdain-for-the-scene-just-witnessed spectrum. After casting dispersions on me and my children either facially or vocally as if I'm not standing RIGHT THERE. NEXT TO THEM.- the inevitable comment from every single person I've ever encountered in public is, "You've got YOUR hands full." I am not kidding. EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. I hear this so often that for a while I actually had "handsfull" as my password on the websites I frequent- as a rebellion against public condemnation. Where was I? Oh, right. Even when my children are little angels. And let's face it. No child is one of those at all times. Especially not if "all times" happens to occur in the grocery store.
Let me run you through a typical visit to the local grocery store for me.
Find a parking space in teensy-tiny stalls that would render it impossible to open car doors even if you were parked next to a Geo (DARE to dream!)- forget about the roughly 5000 Suburbans parked at this particular grocery store around the clock. Get everyone out of the car. (Usually at this point, though not this week- we cleaned the van out!- we then chase down whatever has unwantedly exited the car with us.) Find a cart. Try to keep an eye on The Pinkiest(7) at all times because you know what she does in situations like this. Put Muhloo's(11mo) carseat in the cart. Argue with Monster Truck(2) about whether or not he is also going to ride in it.
"I WALK." "No, you ride." "I WALK." "[Monster Truck(2)], please come here so I can get you in the cart." "NO. I WALKING." "
Little Mommy(9): Mom, can we get one of these carts?
The Pinkiest(5): Can we get one of these carts?
"I just said 'No'."
Bubba(7): Hey, mom? Can we get a car cart?
(Bubba: Geez. What's her problem?)
Enter the Produce section.
(Now, it's important to understand that one of THE RULES is:
The answer to any and all requests which take place in the grocery store is "NO." unless said request takes place in the Produce section.
Unless it is January and the request is for watermelon.
Or blueberries. Or raspberries. Or strawberries.
The Pinkiest(5): Hey guys! They have fruit roll-ups over here!
Curse the produce man for selling those things individually! As if I'm going to pay 65 cents per fruit roll-up. I just noticed these new-fangled keyboards don't have the cent sign. I must not have EVER typed that word before.
Everyone: Mom can we have fruit roll-ups?/I ha' fooot woe-wup!/Can I get one?/I want one!/Hey! That's the one I wanted! MO-OM! "No. Nobody is getting fruit roll-ups."
Little Mommy(9): But YOU SAID we could always have anything in the produce department!
Bubba(7): IT'S NOT FAIR.
Does not include fruit roll-ups. Or any other "froot"-related item.
"HEY! Mr. Yuke(4)! Close the door to the donuts!"
The Pinkiest: Can we get donuts?
The Pinkiest: Why not?
"Because they're not good for you."
Little Mommy(9): Daddy lets us get donuts.
"No he doesn't."
Little Mommy(9): Well you have before.
Mr. Yuke(4): Pleeeeease.
Mr. Yuke(4): Why not?
"Because I said 'NO'."
Bubba(7): Hmmph! It's not. FAIR.!!!
Monster Truck(2) just catching on to the exchange that is taking place: I yike donuts! I yike donuts! I have donuts?
Little Mommy(9): Mommy, can we get some cheese breadsticks for dinner?
Bubba(7): You never let us have ANYTHING.
"Why don't you go pick out an apple or a pear?- [Monster Truck(2)]! [Monster Truck(2)]! COME. HERE. I told you to stay by mommy."
Bubba(7): I don't WANT pears.
Monster Truck(2), eyes wide: No! No! I don't want ride! I walk by mommy!
At this point we pass the bakery and head for the most unpredictable part of the trip. The meat department. "Guys, stay by mom please." "[Monster Truck(2)]- that's it. You're riding."
Monster Truck(2): NOOOO! NOOOO! I. DON'T. WANT. RIDE!!!!!!!!"Sorry."
Little Mommy(9): Can we get steak?
Little Mommy(9): Why not?
"It's too expensive this week."
Little Mommy(9) whines: But I don't like chicken.
"Yes you do, and you know it."
Little Mommy(9): But I want. Steak.
The Pinkiest(5): Here, Mommy. I got some bacon for you.
"Oh. Thank you very much honey, but I don't need any bacon."
Bubba(7): Please can we get bacon?
Little Mommy(9): But WHHHYYYYYY?
"Because we already have bacon in the freezer and we only eat it like 6 times a year."
Little Mommy(9): Yeah. That's because you never buy it.
"[Monster Truck(2)]! Don't stick your fingers inside of the package of meat!" Ewwwwww. Gross.
And so it goes. "Can we have little cheeses?" "No." "Can we get that spiderman cake?" "No." "Can we buy a lifetime supply of nacho ingredients and ice cream and soda pop?" "No. No. No. No." "Will you give me $15.00 in quarters so I can try to get that Buzz Lightyear Doll out of the Claw machine?" "NO!" (Throw in the inevitable [but gentle] cart collision into an unsuspecting shopper perpetrated by any one of the family while I have turned slightly away from the cart for .2 seconds to reach for an item off the shelf, and you pretty much have our shopping experiences in a nutshell. Oh, and the sickening moment when the checker hits total. Feeding a crew like this is an undertaking and a half, I tell you. I don't know WHAT I will do when I have teenage boys in the house.)
So if you figure that Muhloo(11mo) has been on roughly 1 trip to the grocery store every week since she was 3 weeks old and has heard the word approximately 100 times on each and every one of these adventures into consumership, throw in the very rare occasion that I have to deny someone something unreasonable at home- (sorry, I think I just shot milk out my nose,) is it any wonder that Muhloo's first word is "No."?
She can pronounce it several ways. She experimented with her range on this particular word for an entire day. There's "No.", "NO.", "NO!", and "Newwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"- her personal favorite (and Husband's and mine too). Fortunately she has not (I think) assigned meaning to the word yet. As soon as she does, it will cease to be so cute that we have no power against her (I think I am renaming her Kryptonite(11mo) right here on the spot). At that point I will be thrown into yet another toddler phase that I have to wait out before the child starts saying adorably cute things again. SIGH. They grow up. : (
SIGH! They grow up!!! : )
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Mr. Yuke(4): I have erasers between my toes.
Mr Yuke(4): Yes. Look. It's like erasers. (Shows me toe-jam.)
Monster Truck(2), removing wet pull-up: Yookit dis. Dis is wet. SMELL IT. (Only boys, I swear.)
Bubba(7) whose last doctor appointment was several months ago, CRYING: I don't WANT to get a shot!
Me: What are you talking about?
Bubba(7): I don't WANT to get a shot?
Me: You're not going to get a shot. You don't have an appointment.
Bubba(7): I know. But SOMEDAY.
My girls have not been very funny. Little Mommy(9) I think, has (sadly) grown out of the funny stage and has not yet grown into her teen-angst-driven-humor years. I await that with eager anticipation. And dread. More dread I think. Here is one of her greatest hits though:
Little Mommy(3): What's that? Are we having soup?
Me: No, it's stew.
Little Mommy(3): What's stew?
Me: It's kind of like soup, but thicker.
DogMom: Oh, good! Brochen!
Grampa: Hey! Brochen!
ArtisticallySpecificTastes: We're having brochen? I love brochen!
Little Mommy(3) indignant that all these grown-ups are so stupid: It's not BUTT-CHOSEN! It's STEWP!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Also, I always thought I wanted 8 kids. Ever since I can remember, it was 8. But then what will I do about my cutesy blog title/cyber identity?
Deep breath. "Okay, well do you have any idea what sort of Undergraduate degree I should pursue with that Masters in mind?"
"Oh, pretty much anything. Of course something with English or Literature is always good, but really any field that interests you would work."
So much for narrowing down what I want to do with my life.
So I go in and meet with an Advisor. She tells me that I can choose between Comparative Literature ( YES!) which she is advising me against (NO!) and English, which she thinks would be my best bet. Why would English be better I ask? Well the Comparative Lit. degree doesn't have any major classes available online. English on the other hand has tons.
"Explain to me the difference between the two."
"Well, Comparative Literature would be studying and comparing literature (oh, really?), while (and this next part came in hushed and reverential tones-) English would be studying the intracacies of the English Language. (Enter the choir of heavenly angels now). Hmmm. I wonder which classes SHE teaches?
The intracacies of the English language. Hmmm. Semicolon 101? I don't think so. Thanks, but I get all the English Language learnin' I need reading the "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks. Ok, Comparative Lit it is. And actually I still have some G.E.'s to get out of the way so I can do those online while I wait for Muhloo(10mo) to grow.
Thinking about the general education I am soon to receive at home got me thinking about the general education I have already received there.
Since we're already on English, let's just start there:
Pronunciation of Consonants (PrCn160)-
Monster Truck(2): Yyyyyyipes.
Monster Truck(2): Yyyyyyipes.
Monster Truck(2): Wwwww
Me: Good! Do it again!
Monster Truck(2): Wwwwww!
Me: Now say, wwwwwipes.
Monster Truck(2): WwwwwwYipes.
Try to say that. It's really hard.
(Note: Monster Truck(2) graduated this week from wwwwYipes to Lipes. Also, I think speaking toddlerese 6 times earns me a Minor in Foreign Language.)
Zoology 100 (ZooL100)-
Little Mommy(9) informed me today that she is pretty sure she broke her toe at school because she dropped something heavy on it and then just kept "slumping around" all day.
Mr. Yuke(4) popped his knuckle night before last while wrestling with his dad.
Mr Yuke(4): OH NO! I broke my ANKLE BUTTON! It WASN'T WORTH IT!!!!
[I actually think I should get double credit for this one in Drama 120 (Dra120)]
Economics For Small Business (Econ160)-
Me: No one in this family is allowed to charge for breakfast or lunch at school under any circumstances whatsoever. Do you understand me? (Collective nodding of heads.) Charging is not a good practice to get into and we do not have the money for that. I have already talked with the lunch lady. Her computer says you guys can't charge. Okay? (Nodding again.) We have perfectly good food at home you can eat for breakfast and take for lunch. There is no reason ever to charge. Got it? (More nodding.)
Me: What do you mean you owe $10.45 to the school and they're kicking you out in January if you haven't paid it yet?! What have you been doing with ALL THOSE LUNCHES you took to school?! ... Uh huh. ... I see. Well you are paying those charges with the money from your own piggy bank. ... Yes, it is fair. ... No, I provided you with food the first time around when you chose to throw it away. You owe money too?!!! How much do YOU owe? $6.80? How can you owe $6.80? Lunch prices don't even add up to that! (STUPID LUNCH LADY!) You TELL that lunch lady that I want an itemized receipt for that. ... It means a list of all the charges. ... Yes, she can. ... If you can't remember "itemized" then just say 'my mom wants a receipt.'. ...WHAT?!!!! YOU aren't even AT school for lunch time!!! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY HAVE CHARGES AT SCHOOL?!!! ... Breakfast? You eat breakfast at home. ... I don't CARE if you like french toast better than cheerios, you're not allowed to eat at school without taking money!
I should get an honorary degree in Social Science for that one just on the grounds that no one got maimed. : )
Psychology 210 (Psy210)-
One of Husband's roommates was a Psych major. Not my favorite person come to think of it. The reason for that was that he was constantly doing/saying/encouraging things solely to elicit a reaction and then to analyze all the people involved. The world was his laboratory, the human race his lab rats. In honor of the roommate I'll call Dozen Roses, my psych experiment:
Monster Truck(2): You're taking a BAFF?!!! (Read: Have you LOST YOUR MIND?)
Monster Truck(2): Why aye you taking a baff?
Me: Because my back hurts (stupid cheap Walmart junk...).
Monster Truck(2): Because yo-ee back hurts? You takinga baff because yo-ee back hurts?
Monster Truck(2): Hmm. Nice and Yarm.
I'm also pretty sure I've already earned at least a minor in Children's Literature and probably Early Childhood Development as well. I can offhandedly quote Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, e.e. cummings, and Mem Fox. Sad, but true.
I've learned how to fix baby beds, action figures, boo-boos and dinners. I've written journals and blogposts and permission slips and excuse notes. I've made costumes and messes and excuses and FHE lessons; done homework and housework and yardwork and God's work. I've made babies and a family. I've made a home.
I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to comtemplate what I wanted to do with my life. In taking the time to contemplate it, I did it.
Next thing: I feel that I somehow have not done a good enough job promoting the Twilight books to the world. Four people who voted on my last poll still didn't know what Twilight is. See? -> Twilight is a book. It has two sequels. It is on about the same reading level as Harry Potter but the subject matter is a little more adult. The books are complete brain candy but totally enjoyable and I highly recommend them. They are New York Times bestsellers and a big item in pop culture right now. Read them, you won't be sorry. Oh, two more things: 1) they are kind of chick books so I don't know if guys like them or not and 2)they have vampires. Don't let that put you off. I'm not a Buffy/Angel/whatever other shows/horror movies fan, but I really liked these books.
Next thing: A single crumb donut has 5 weight watchers points. A WHOLE MEAL. Stupid donuts. For perspective, that is the same as 1 egg and 1 egg white scrambled with 2 slices of canadian bacon, and a piece of toast. I don't know about you, but suddenly that evil donut doesn't look quite so good.
Next thing: Some of you already know, but don't separate frozen cinnamon rolls with a knife. You can accomplish separating them by whacking them on the counter. Apparently. Some of you may feel like I'm beating a dead cinnamon roll here with this but I just think don't think I can stress this enough.
Next thing: Just because your kids SAY they did their homework doesn't necessarily mean that it's true. Try to find out for sure BEFORE you go to parent/teacher conferences. It'll save you a lot of embarrassment.
Next thing: The aerobics step you can buy at WalMart that is "two height adjustable", made from plastic, and is called "STEP" is a total waste of money. Don't even bother. On a related note: most chiropracters do excellent work.
Last thing: If you ever decide that laundering your thumb drive is a good idea, don't worry. They still work if you let them dry out.
Also, I forgot to mention some important things before.
- They have free Wi-Fi
- The employees are all absolutely wonderful. The customer service is first-rate (as are the samples!) and they remember you.
- I get nothing from that place for telling you how great they are. It is totally in self-interest. I love going there and I want them to stay open, ergo- I'm telling you it's worth your time. : )
Sunday, March 2, 2008
OOOO!!! Speaking of chocolate- I just remembered! I found the most divine place ever! On a recent trip to a place called American Fork I found a bakery that I INSTANTLY fell in love with. (Kelly- SO MUCH BETTER than our bakery on Main Street.) Anyway, it's called Flour Girls and Dough Boys Artisan Bakery and it's located about half a block off of Main Street American Fork near the Towne Cinemas. 35 N. Barratt Ave. (150 West)
I walked in and was hit by the overwhelminly delicious smells of fresh baked Artisan rustic breads including Sourdough, Asiago Cheese (20% cheese!), Homemade Foccacia, Baguettes, and more! I looked up to their menu to discover some of the other wonderful smells surrounding me were coming from their made-from-scratch-every-day soups and paninis. Yes indeedy! It's a bakery AND A CAFE! I turned to look at the seating and discovered a quaint little setting with around half a dozen small tables in front of a hugh window. The paint on the walls was reminiscent of a Tiffany's Co. jewellry box. Over the table were hung antique crystal chandeliers and the whole place was shiny and said come here every day for the rest of your life! Sadly, I discovered the bakery the same weekend I realized I am close to my first goal of losing 10% of my body weight [GO Weight Watchers!] but hey- what can you do? I guess the name "Dough Boys" should have tipped me off but now that I know about that place I must return. Many, many times.) The place was immaculately clean, which I appreciated, having worked in a bakery once upon a time. It seems like a lot of good hole-in-the-wall bakeries are filthy and constantly covered in a thin layer of flour dust. Not Flour Girls and Dough Boys. The brass was shiny, the glass was fingerprint-free, and there was no dust anywhere. Next time one of us passes through that region, we'll be sure to take pictures of it for you.
Now, the food. Oh, YUM! They had every sort of pastry you could think of (except donuts and really, I think donuts are far beneath them. Donuts are not even in their league). Everything is made with real butter (no margerine) and unbleached, unbromated flour. I tried a few bites of a huge gooey cinnamon roll purchased for Husband, sampled the soups (I've been craving the house specialty- Tuscan Sausage and Bean- ever since), and bought a loaf of the sourdough which I thought surpassed anything I have ever gotten in San Francisco. My favorite thing I had that day was the Coconut Oatmeal Raisin cookies. THERE. ARE. NO. WORDS. And I'm not even a raisin person! They have three kinds of brownies, chocolate-filled homemade croissants, and every other good thing you can imagine.
The new snowstorm could have totally ruined my day, but thanks to this place and their delightful name which captured my attention the first time I saw it, I didn't even miss the sun.If you pass through Utah, as I do on occasion, FIND THIS PLACE AND GO EAT THERE!
35 N. Barratt Ave. (150 West), American Fork
Monday to Friday 7:30 a.m. to 6 p.m.
Saturday 8:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. (<- Note that, it'll save you some disappointment when you get there on a Saturday evening.)